undercovers

I sleep naked simply because I feel bound by material when I don’t

When I shift in my sleep, the clothes strangle me and I awaken

When I wear clothes it makes me feel as if I have to stay alert

So that I can jump up and run away if I need to protect myself

Strange habits left over from a childhood where I felt unsafe

After years of sharing a double bed my spouse decided to surprise me

With the purchase of a massive King sized bed when we reconciled

It mattered because for years he had been pushing pillows between us

Ensuring that in my sleep I did not accidentally touch him

He can not feign sexual disinterest when he had a discovered erection

So when I saw the bed, I saw a symbol of his pushing me away

Years pass as they do and over the last few years he has come back to the middle

He is spooning me again, placing his hand on hip and stroking my back and side

This is completely non sexual contact in spite of the fact we are naked in bed

His groin is pressed flatly against the round fullness of my bare ass

And I am more than aware that there is no sexual response from him

His touch use to frustrate me and make me angry because it would arouse me

We would fight because I would bring up sex and he would be defensive

When I am being sexually satisfied by another man, his touch is irrelevant

Maybe he does it to comfort himself or because he thinks it’s adequate intimacy

It’s not like I don’t think about his motives for doing it continuously without asking

It never leads to a sexual encounter and his body never responds to touching me

What I have discovered is that the less sexually fulfilled I am by other men

The more I can’t stand my spouse touching me in a non sexual way

I am a very sensual woman who is tactile and I tend to respond quickly

If 2-3 times a week if I am given a few hours of carnal demands and erotic pleasures

Then I am not as quick to passion and as quick to anger in between, as I am more myself

I am better able to live in a celibate marriage while sharing a bed with my husband

After I have been well and thoroughly fucked by a man who wants a sexual relationship

Sex is no longer a weapon when you refuse to let a it come from a single source

I have a lover so that I can remain married to a man who is not sexual with me

I’ve long past stopped trying to figure out his psychological and physical issues

They are as irrelevant as what the weather was last October during a full moon

I don’t lie to him, I simply don’t try to talk about it anymore and he will not ask

He simply asks if I had a good time, when I come home after a night spent away

And I can honestly say that I had a fabulous time and go to bed tired and satiated

I have no guilt from laying naked with my spouse after leaving my lovers bed

Because my spouse does not see me as a sexual person, he benefits from a calm wife

Who finally is able to sleep peacefully after tossing and turning in frustration

This entry was posted in Affair, marriage and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to undercovers

  1. Dear rougedmount:

    We share the same sleeping attire for the same reason; we enjoy our freedom.

    How two, gender-different people can lie together and not be moved by the situation defies my mortal comprehension. And this from a spouse … bluntly stated, it’s indecent.

    I shut down that part of life years ago. I waited too long to rescue my sanity. For that, I have no one to blame but myself.

    I could commiserative remarks; but if you’re like me, that’s the last thing you want. I will say that for your actions, for doing what you need to do to reclaim your sanity, your sexuality, your humanity, you have my respect.

    Village Idiot

    • Good grief … I could offer commiserative remarks. You’d think that by now, I’d know better than to rely on the tiny window to edit my screeds. But then, that’s about the size of the lens through which I’ve evaluated life … Well, it is time to attend another meaningless social event with what’s-her-name. I’d better go.

      Village Idiot

    • rougedmount says:

      i waited a long and lonely 22 years. making the decision, even though it was made while grieving, to move into a a life choice i had never thought i would choose, was a saving grace for me.

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