In reply to a comment left on my post “Easy Way Out”, I was inspired to share the following memory of the moment when there was a massive shift in how I viewed having sex with my spouse. Up until this moment, I lived in denial; assuming that our sexual imbalance was simply a part of the compromise that one is expected to make inside a relationship where there was give and take.
He was alternating between licking the my labia like a basset hound using its tongue to get the last remnants of juice from a discarded can of spam and trying to stick his tongue inside of me using his entire head to propel his face forward and bang his forehead off my crotch. I tried to shift myself away and asked him to use his fingers inside of me instead, as I reached down and parted myself for him, asking him to lick my clitoris.
He looked up from between my thighs and snapped “I know how to do this you know!”
In disbelief, I lay there for what seemed like an eternity, not understanding how any adult man could be SO dense and sexually selfish. He was even making giving oral sex to ME a way to stimulate himself, instead of bringing me any type of pleasure. I got angry, not with him but with myself, for thinking that I could do anything sexual with this man and have it work, since he was so adamant against learning anything about me, even after all these years of being married. He refused to communicate outside of the bed, why did I think he would listen when naked?
A few minutes after I tried to give him guidance, that he blithely refused, I sighed loudly in exaggerated exasperation. He looked up to see that I had lifted my hands and was examining my fingernails and said “What’s wrong?” He clearly did not understand that what he was doing to me, not only wasn’t exciting me, but was annoying me as well as being mildly uncomfortable. My reply, “Nothing’s wrong, I’m just really bored. Are you done yet, so I can go clean the bathroom?”
I got the instantaneous reaction I expected. He huffed and puffed as he flung himself up and out of the room complaining about me and MY disinterest, turning blame onto me for the lack of success of his stellar sexual advance. I discovered something very valuable in that exchange, as I smirked in self satisfaction of getting him off me so easily. He truly had no interest in pleasing me sexually and no matter what I said or did, he was not prepared to be an adequate sexual partner for me.
Years later, I found a few things that did end up working marginally to improve our sex life, things to get him to at least provide the base to a sexual service I could live with while married to him, thanks to a blog I discovered, I learned the amount of effort expended before this time, was completely wasted. His complete disinterest in being an equal partner meant that I was left in frustration 100% of the time.
The mistake I made when I was younger, is that I traded giving him access to sex when HE wanted it, for the few minutes HE wanted it, to buy peace in the house and avoid the inevitable conflict that would come with my demanding that he be a sexual PARTNER to me and provide me with sexual fulfillment, which he was completely unwilling to do. His natural state is to be a selfish sexual partner, which is why it was imperative that he not be given the chance to have satisfaction before pleasing me.
Through reading the “LoveSmallPenis” blog, I learned to not allow him to even enter me until he used toys on me until I achieved orgasm, and even then, only on occasion. I stopped giving him sexual access and this created a massive conflict in the marriage until he got used to it. I used cutting language to create an atmosphere that made it clear that his little dick held NO interest for me and was not worth my efforts to satisfy it.
“Don’t even think about putting that little thing anywhere near me. I want a COCK inside of me, not THAT.” “I want to be satisfied, not frustrated, so use a cock on me.” “Do you want the sloppy seconds, once I cum all over the big cock fucking me?” “Go ahead and cum inside me, I won’t be able to feel it now anyway.”
He still has an incredibly low sex drive and he happily lives with major erectile dysfunction, being unable to achieve or maintain an erection for any length of time. But this no longer worries or bothers me like it used to. It no longer impacts me like it did, once I decided to take a lover, to satisfy me sexually. I am no longer invested in my spouses pleasure or providing him an outlet to his limited sexual life. Since my physical needs are met elsewhere, his small, soft cock is no longer quite the affront to my womanhood or sexuality.
I have relegated the sexual situation between us to the very small issue, it actually is, both literally AND figuratively. Surprisingly, it has meant a stability I did not expect, a harmony I appreciate and an ability to remove the tension from our marriage, as I am no longer demanding sex from a man who is unable to provide it to me and who no longer feels any pressure to reject me, to avoid a task he has no interest in performing.