Guiltily, what comes to mind is, “Thank you God, that it wasn’t my child”.
Sorrowfully, you feel the parent’s pain as your own and know it doesn’t even come close to representing even the smallest of fractions of what it must actually feel like.
By the Grace of God, you’ll never know ,because you can’t even bring yourself to imagine it without the fear, panic, horror and unbelievable pressure to not believe it’s even possible, from making you want to shut down, check out or lash out at the mere idea of it.
The idea that losing a child is possible.
That as much as we love them, we can’t always protect them. That sickness or accidents happen and instead of just injury, the most precious thing in the entire world can be taken from you.
Your child might die before you.
How can you deal with this as a parent? How can you continue to function and be grateful for the gift you had in their presence in your life when all you want to do it die yourself to stop the pain from crushing you to death? How do you trust in a God that has forsaken you by removing his most precious gift from your life?
I can’t think about it. I can’t. I feel the beginning of a panic swell that’s so profound that it takes my breath away. I can’t read about it without feeling a volatile sense of denial, anger of hostile refusal. I want to fight and battle and rail against the IDEA of it. The only thing standing between losing my mind with the grief that surges through my body, is the thin veil of knowledge that THIS time, it wasn’t my child. THIS time, I wasn’t the parent.
The amount of effort I need to contain my grief is monumental because any child who is in pain or suffering, any child who dies, could have been MY child. Any parent who is grieving for or over a child’s pain or death, and is hurting for their child; could have been me, but for the Grace of God.
Knowledge of death, especially when it’s a young person, a child, makes every day you have with those you love, more precious. It makes you painfully aware that you can not control the world and keep those you love safe. It makes you understand that others have to live with the brutality of this monumental pain and you would do anything to help them get through it because you don’t know how they can make it through an impossible situation, that you can’t even think about.
Guiltily, what comes to mind is, “Thank you God, that it wasn’t my child“.