things are moving far too fast and i am lying my face off. he asks if it scares me.. THIS… what’s happening between us and what do i do?
I LIE …you bet it fucking scares me.
Jesus H Christ…the man is presenting me with freaking everything: communication, sex, intensity, open honesty, sexual discussion, emotional exposure, trust.
oh but lets just up that why don’t we… because why would ALL THAT be enough?
financially he is providing me with more funds than i am remotely comfortable with; buying me jewelry, clothes, toys, lingerie, hair products, trips. all without asking.
he is offering assistance with my kids, offers to use his connections to support and guide them and benefit them. he wants them to succeed and wants to help establish them. he ALSO wants me to interconnect my business to his which would benefit me substantially and come at no risk to myself. he’s saying it’s up to me but he is pushing me by presenting me with every single reason FOR it as he’s thought it through already. he’s hugely successful in business, so it’s not like he hasn’t thought about this. he wants it for me.
this man is unreal.
he has offered himself to me, shown me his bad side and asked me to accept him as he is and i have and as a result, he has come to love me and is scared by it and wants me to talk to him about it.
what the fuck to i say?
sorry…you and i are far to compatible? the fact that things are so easy between us is a huge problem. what you have as absolute needs in a partner are exactly what i do as a minimum simply because of who “I” am?
he wants more. i know he does. he wants more than for me to be a ‘mistress’. he doesn’t want an affair. he’s talked about ‘our kids’ ‘our dogs’ and i have scrambled backwards because this whole thing IS scaring me. I am trying to balance myself and find i don’t have to because i look down to discover he has thrown out anchors, buoys, tied guide wires and called the coast guard as a back up plan. and all he really wants from me is to tell him he’s done a good job in protecting me.
and when we get together, he is going to want to continue this, to keep talking and here i am moaning about wanting communication and I am the one who wants to run away! i don’t want to cry and it will make me and i hate that. i seriously have no idea what’s happening. he’s fallen for me fast and i am trying to keep perspective but am losing it because he is doing every single thing right and allllll without ever hearing me speak a single word about what i need, want or expect.
it’s like being handed a winning lottery ticket in the man department and told that you won, seeing that you won and not believing it because those kinds of things simply don’t happen to you.
does it scare me? you fucking bet it does and i am terrified to tell him. i can’t tell him. wait…i refuse to tell him. the idea of that kind of emotional exposure makes me feel rather nauseous. it panics me. i feel that horrid loss of control i can’t stand and it makes me want to become combative or run away. okay mostly combative.
omg …i just realized it makes me want to sabotage it to prove that i don’t deserve him and his opinion of me was wrong. i’ve given myself a headache.
so apparently the grown up version of me is going to have to be open with him and risk emotional exposure. i don’t know how i will survive it. seriously…i don’t know how I will survive this without massive changes. i’d be risking everything.