risk reward ratio

.fuck.

things are moving far too fast and i am lying my face off. he asks if it scares me.. THIS… what’s happening between us and what do i do?

I LIE …you bet it fucking scares me.

Jesus H Christ…the man is presenting me with freaking everything: communication, sex, intensity, open honesty, sexual discussion, emotional exposure, trust.

oh but lets just up that why don’t we… because why would ALL THAT be enough?

financially he is providing me with more funds than i am remotely comfortable with; buying me jewelry, clothes, toys, lingerie, hair products, trips. all without asking.

he is offering assistance with my kids, offers to use his connections to support and guide them and benefit them. he wants them to succeed and wants to help establish them. he ALSO wants me to interconnect my business to his which would benefit me substantially and come at no risk to myself. he’s saying it’s up to me but he is pushing me by presenting me with every single reason FOR it as he’s thought it through already. he’s hugely successful in business, so it’s not like he hasn’t thought about this. he wants it for me.

this man is unreal.

he has offered himself to me, shown me his bad side and asked me to accept him as he is and i have and as a result, he has come to love me and is scared by it and wants me to talk to him about it.

what the fuck to i say?

sorry…you and i are far to compatible? the fact that things are so easy between us is a huge problem. what you have as absolute needs in a partner are exactly what i do as a minimum simply because of who “I” am?

he wants more. i know he does. he wants more than for me to be a ‘mistress’. he doesn’t want an affair. he’s talked about ‘our kids’ ‘our dogs’ and i have scrambled backwards because this whole thing IS scaring me. I am trying to balance myself and  find i don’t have to because i look down to discover he has thrown out anchors, buoys, tied guide wires and called the coast guard as a back up plan. and all he really wants from me is to tell him he’s done a good job in protecting me.

and when we get together, he is going to want to continue this, to keep talking and here i am moaning about wanting communication and I am the one who wants to run away! i don’t want to cry and it will make me and i hate that. i seriously have no idea what’s happening. he’s fallen for me fast and i am trying to keep perspective but am losing it because he is doing every single thing right and allllll without ever hearing me speak a single word about what i need, want or expect.

it’s like being handed a winning lottery ticket in the man department and told that you won, seeing that you won and not believing it because those kinds of things simply don’t happen to you.

does it scare me? you fucking bet it does and i am terrified to tell him. i can’t tell him. wait…i refuse to tell him. the idea of that kind of emotional exposure makes me feel rather nauseous. it panics me. i feel that horrid loss of control i can’t stand and it makes me want to become combative or run away. okay mostly combative.

omg …i just realized it makes me want to sabotage it to prove that i don’t deserve him and his opinion of me was wrong. i’ve given myself a headache.

so apparently the grown up version of me is going to have to be open with him and risk emotional exposure. i don’t know how i will survive it. seriously…i don’t know how I will survive this without massive changes. i’d be risking everything.

.fuck.

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20 Responses to risk reward ratio

  1. I agree with you, try not to let this move too quickly. I know that everything looks and feels wonderful but try to make sure. If he loves you then he will wait for you and I worry for you and don’t want anything to happen to you. But he sounds like a wonderful guy, you just have to make sure.

  2. dragonfly918 says:

    Growing up sucks, don’t it

    • rougedmount says:

      nervous about what it actually means…

      • dragonfly918 says:

        I truly feel for you because that’s what happened to me. He was the first who said he loved me. And that changed everything

        Be very careful. It’s dangerous waters you tread. But I agree with kdaddy. Don’t lie. Let him see the real you. Don’t let him be infatuated with the person he thinks you are, the idealized woman.

        On the one hand you are the flesh and blood embodiment of his every sexual fantasy and he wants to drown in you and that’s very seductive. And on the other, here you are feeling that now your ass is hanging out in the wind because of the things he’s said.

        It’s my opinion of course, but I think the universe is giving you a huge opportunity here. It’s your job now to learn to accept his love because you are worthy of it, be true to yourself (not lie or try and be something you’re not) and not lose yourself in the process.

        I would be running to my shrink just about now so I know what you’ve got on you’re plate looks like a pile of venomous snakes and not spaghetti

      • rougedmount says:

        i believe people re brought into your life for a reason and i am very much that he is in mine to teach me things i need to know

  3. babyd21713 says:

    Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present. – Unknown.

  4. You are beautiful, worthy, and competent. He sees these things even if you don’t. When I would tell my mom a guy deserved better than me when I was younger she would say “that’s his decision to make”. I still felt it. If you love him, ley him do this because he wants to and he loves you.

  5. kdaddy23 says:

    Everything you have ever wanted and asked for… and you’re gonna lie to him? I get that you’re scared… but why would you lie, my dearest Rouged? Stop and breathe for a moment; accept his feelings, his openness, his desires for you in so many things – then think – not feel – about how you can partake of his largess but without having to risk your current stability.

    And then tell him how you feel; tell him that all of this scares you but, honestly, if this man is giving you the things you’re not currently getting and things that you’ve told us that you’ve desperately needed in a man, don’t you dare lie to him; don’t treat his honesty with dishonesty and if you can accept all of this, don’t you dare run from him.

    Just saying. Don’t let your fears make you foolish…

  6. Pua Nani says:

    All that he is offering you is because of how you have been with him. Keep doing that and you will keep receiving what you need. You do not need to tell him how you feel or commit to something bigger yet. Make him show you that he is serious with what he is offering. It is okay to reserve yourself a little bit, as this will prove to be to your advantage. Meanwhile just enjoy what is being provided to you.

  7. Pua Nani says:

    Even pulling away slightly out of fear will be to your advantage as it will only push him to prove himself to you

  8. Dear rougedmount:

    If he is sincere, he will stay with you as you work though his ministrations.

    Village Idiot

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