I had an unexpected heart to heart conversation with my submissive last night, which was actually his morning, as he is on the other side of the world right now. It came out of the blue with his expression of a few things to me which surprised me. I have not discussed ‘emotions’ or ‘intentions’ with him. I don’t ask about his past other than how it might pertain to something I may want to do or say with him. I rarely ask about his spouse and I have only have asked about past sexual encounters specifically in relation to how it might pertain to me.
Up until now what’s between us is simply easy. Initially he was clear with his needs and he’s been proactive in expressing the things he wants to do for me in return. I look forward to talking to him. His communication level is stellar. I neither press him for time or attention and let him come to me when he is able. I don’t dwell on the day to day when apart, as his life is his own. Though while talking last night, we actually figured out we have been in each others for 3 months now. That has made me think…a lot.
He spoke of HIS emotions and feelings without leading and his own initiation. He reiterated how happy he is with me, excited by me. He shared I had been the first women he spent the night with or even wanted to, other than his spouse. He thinks ‘I’m special”, that I’m pretty, that I’m beautiful, and that “he is crazy about me”. He ‘trusts me completely’ and ‘I bring him great happiness.’ He considers that what he has with me, as being in an ‘affair’ with him and he likes – no ‘loves’ – having me in his life. This is not a ‘fling’ for him, it is far, far more and he has never been down this road before but he is happy he is.
This morning he messaged me, like he does every day, to wake me up with a smile and a pleasant start to my day. We chatted as I started my day and he was getting ready for bed. He immediately picked up again on part of last nights chat, stressed a few points and as he was saying his goodbye, after basically saying that even if I were to alter my appearance dramatically, that ‘who’ I am would still be beautiful…and he would still love me.
It’s apparent with those words, that on this trip away, he has been thinking about things with me a lot. His language over the last few weeks has been changing, becoming more animated with more emotional context. This morning he actually came out and said the words that he has been building to. For him, what’s between us is more than a simple meeting of some simple needs or the establishment of a trusting friendship.
I didn’t reply to his last message. He plans on coming home a few days early from this trip and wants to see me as soon as he gets back. At this point, I plan on being honest with him and explaining to him, that I simply am not where he is, in regards to reciprocating his feelings. My walls are far too high and far too thick to be easily scaled and I do not want to allow my emotions to color my judgement or actions again. The truth is, it scares me.
He is a wonderful man and I enjoy his company. He brings me not just new experiences but makes it very easy for me to be a better version of my authentic self. All the things that I have been judged for and found fault with, he in turns thinks are some of the most positive traits I have. I know he has blinders on right now, but I am enjoying our symbiotic relationship. We have very similar tastes, styles and temperaments so it’s easy to be friends with him.
When he returns, I’ll see him a few days afterwards. He has sent me links while he was away, so I can start putting an order together for lingerie and clothes to take away on our long week end at the end of November. There is a glorious cashmere sweater that I can’t wait to put on with my pearls. And seriously, the full open bottom girdle with garters and stockings combined with the full long line bra are simply magnificent. I look like a pin up girl from the 50’s.
Knowing that he loves me adds a layer to the pearl of this relationship. I don’t plan on going anywhere for the foreseeable future and I instinctively know and understand that the expression of his feelings toward me is not going to change his life in any ‘real’ way, in regards to being him being married. I think he missed me, he was very tired and he said it without planning to. Though I know he was hinting at, and leading me to this, for a few weeks now. I think the vast distance between us helped him feel like he could say it, test out my response and his ability to vocalize it. I think he felt vulnerable and needed the space to express himself initially. Things may get interesting.