I had a revelation yesterday as simple and as clear as if I had taken the time to consider and clarify it. The man I fell in love with, whom I submitted all I was to and who did not deserve the gift I gave him; he was nothing more than a good fuck. When all was said and done, when you add up the details of the relationship; I gave, he took. The ONLY need he met was a physical one and I was the one who built a story surrounding the intensity of passion.
He was a brilliant story teller and it took me a very long time to understand that it was a work of fiction. I am no longer sad, no longer hurt, no longer hopeful, no longer disappointed in myself for believing him. When I actually look at what he provided to me, I can not discount the fact that the chemistry, the sex, the sheer magnitude of physical expression of lust and eroticism between us, was an exceptionally rare thing to experience.
I have never known anything like it before or since and while I look forward to the day that can be challenged by a man of exemplary skills, if it were to never occur again, I am grateful that I had the experience even though I was badly hurt from the initial discovery that it was ‘just’ a physical relationship and not the emotional one I believed it to be. This sudden knowledge frees me to accept the relationship for what it was and move on from it, two years after its end.
I’ve seen him a few times, in the last 6 months. My body responds instantly and at a level that would alarm most men if they truly understood the intensity. It’s almost feral. The deep sexual ache inside of me that comes as close to a biological imperative to breed with him as I could ever imagine experiencing closes off all rational thinking. I reek of lust and pheromones the second I see him. I highly doubt that would ever change, even I grew into an older and more sedate version of who I am.
I can accept that I find him the most physically appealing male I have ever seen. I can revel in the fact that his demands and mine are so well choreographed that we are the mirror images of the others sexual psyche. We are the physically perfect for the other person and yet that is simply all we have or had. While before that knowledge destroyed me, now I can view it as the gift it was and be grateful that I had a chance to have that intense sexual experience after years spent without knowing or understanding that what we shared was even possible.