going on the offensive

Tell me again why you think by virtue of wanting me, that it provides a reason for me to want you back? If I had sex with every man who offered himself to me, I wouldn’t have enough time to work. Sex. So readily offered and thrown around like the wrapping of a tiny chocolate bar handed out for Halloween. It truly does not mean anything to most men. It’s JUST sex. It’s preferred over masturbation for some. There is not emotional context or bonding where closeness is achieved through physical expression.

For so many people, having sex with someone else is probably the most insulating and lonely thing that they can possibly do, to remove themselves from true intimacy with someone else. “Most” women don’t understand this. It’s hard to accept that some people use sex to buffer emotions and to keep themselves apart from the person they are using to satisfy their bodily functions. They invest as much as they need to to get and keep what they want.

I have changed so dramatically over the last 18 months I barely recognize who I am anymore. Jaded. Shaded. Lessened. It feels like after coming up for air after being submerged for so long, that the first deep, gasping inhalation wasn’t the oxygen I needed, but the bitter taste of toxicity, that has since poisoned my lungs. I feel let down in a way that is almost childlike. I feel the loss of my hopes and dreams as much as a failed attempt to gain love for myself that I believed was reciprocated.

Infatuation. For whatever reason I have inspired it in some. Being idealized does not suit me. Part of the attraction, I assume, is that my perceived aloofness  keeps the hounds baying simply because their desire to hunt is strong. Wanting what you can’t have. My issue is that I no longer believe anything with emotional context. It’s gone. It’s like when you pick up the guitar again after ears of not playing. Muscle memory allows you to play and yet your finger tips are raw and bloodied.

As the weeks and months pass, tough callouses build up that enable you to play the songs, convey the message, and yet the more proficient you get a playing again, the less sensation you have in your fingers until eventually you can play for hours because you no longer feel anything. The self inflicted damage has effectively changed you physically to the point where you are numb to normal sensation.

I’ve moved forward, become adept at being normal, know how to play the songs perfectly. But I play them by rote with no inflection or feeling. I could care less about the song or the music or the words. or. or. or. I realize that I was not just hurt, I was damaged to the point that I am rebuilding and I have no idea what the plans are or how to read the diagrams. It’s truly the first time in my life where I don’t know where I am.

I don’t trust in butterflies anymore. Sexual arousal has nothing to do with emotional connections. Professing that you ‘want me’ means nothing because I would be having sex with you simply to serve your need and feed your desire to expel your seminal fluids. You could care less about me or my needs for emotional support. You can’t give me the ability to trust in you because everything between us would be based on lies.

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17 Responses to going on the offensive

  1. dragonfly918 says:

    (I don’t know what happened with the comment above. You can just delete it)

    So, I wanted to say, I had to read this a few times because it was complete gibberish in my head–not because you wrote gibberish, but because my brain was short-circuiting. I am, I think, in the exact same place. I will have to think on it and reply in depth later. And not from my phone lol

    • rougedmount says:

      it WAS gibberish…i was all over the place. i knew it when i wrote it and again when i re read it…but it everything is and was jumping everywhere when i thought of things…and so i left it alone. it was a mess of words and it appears the same inside my head

  2. Village Idiot says:

    Dear rougedmount:

    Thank you for this.

    I discovered your blog while seeking perspective on my own life situation. Your honesty calls me back time and again; your eloquence is like the flesh on my story.

    The S.A. Smith article, ‘I Plan On Loving My Wife’ touched home. Yet came the day when honesty itself demanded that I see what my marriage was from the start. Perhaps I am weak [although I don’t believe that], but I found ‘emotional divorce’ necessary in order to affirm and reclaim my own identity. However this also makes me into someone/something that I am not. Then I read your words:

    ‘It’s truly the first time in my life where I don’t know where I am.’

    Did I mention that your words are the flesh on my story?

    Something is wrong with the world when ‘loved ones’ witlessly misshape us into emotional nihilists. How it is that intelligent people do not perceive that they do this defies my mortal comprehension. But this is unhealthy space. I prefer to avoid it knowing that whom the gods would destroy they first drive mad.

    Emotionless living is a living death. I closed the door in order to begin dealing with grief. I expect no wholeness in this lifetime. Sometimes, victory is regaining some semblance of self-respect.

    Thank you again for writing.

    Village Idiot

    • rougedmount says:

      I am glad that you found me and find worth in what you are reading. Thank you for commenting and joining me in some of my journey. As sad as it is, I am glad that my stories help others at time to recognize that they are not alone on a crumbling path. Misery does not love company; company that commiserates become allies and friends.
      Wholeness…an interesting concept. I think that grief and depression cloud our perspective. The longer any negativity goes on, the further away it feels that we are drifting from what we perceived as the life we wanted. Your weakness is a self criticism brought about by a simple evaluation that is not based on fact, but emotional context that’s been lacking.
      The fact that you have ‘acknowledged’ your situation and have taken the steps that you can qualify as ‘emotional divorce’ means that you ARE working through the process of
      Understanding who you are and where you are at in the grieving process. Yes, grieving process. The demise of a relationship, is stressful. The fact that you are still married doesn’t matter. You are de-acto working through your marital issues and while doing so while still sharing a residence and a life is MUCH harder than having a physical separation.
      You aren’t crazy – you’re just learning to recognize that your partner tried to convince you that you were. Welcome to the real world. You’ve just learned the Matrix wasn’t real. You will one day value the realization and appreciate the chance you’ve been given to grow in the new world. Until then, keep learning, keep growing and gain your strength so that when the time comes, you’ll be ready to fight or to move.

  3. dragonfly918 says:

    I also am not the same person I was 2 years ago, but in a vey real sense, I am glad I am not that person. That person was in a spiral descent into madness and suicide. But I haven’t found the real me yet either. I have been going through the gamut of emotions you have described here, with the addition of having fallen in love so hard, and had my heart broken so completely, it turned my fragile new personhood inside out, something I am still reeling from. But at the same time, I feel also that I could easily fall into a chronically jaded, and disappointed, as well as frustrated state of mind if I hadn’t experienced that short but intense bout of blissful connection. It has both good and not so good sides to it.

    Yes, men can have sex without the emotional connection, or too much interest in pleasing the woman. It’s easy for them to do that. I would say, a biological imperative to spread their seed around to as many females as will let them near. It’s definitely up to us to be choosy.

    Not to say, of course, that woman can’t have casual sex without plenty of enjoyment. The person I was 2 years ago didn’t believe that it was possible, but here I am, a slut extraordinaire, with no remorse. I do have to add though, that I’m slowing down, and becoming more picky. I am looking for more than just the casual fuck these days. Because, having experienced the utter bliss of sex with a beloved, the casual, faceless fuck can be a plain burger, satisfying only when you’re eating it, because you’re hungry, but afterwards, remembering the satisfaction of a delicious home-cooked meal will leave you wanting more. But a girl’s gotta eat or she gets reeeally crabby.

    My shrink talks in a joking manner that there are two kinds of people, cats and dogs. If you take the stereotype of what cats and dogs are, i.e., cats are independent, loners, selfish, self-absorbed, finicky, while dogs are loyal, generous, always wanting company, eat just about anything, etc., you get my drift. He tells me I am a dog pretending to be a cat for a while, and that’s ok. It just won’t satisfy me for long. I know I am solely satisfying my own wants and needs right now, being selfish and self-absorbed, because for so long, they were ignored.

    I don’t know, maybe I’m completely off my tree, but maybe that’s something that’s happening to you. You are a dog that isn’t comfortable being a cat, even for a short time. You aren’t interested in plain burgers, they just aren’t satisfying in any degree (if your post about thanksgiving shopping is any indication). It’s too much investment for so little return. I get it. And there’s nothing wrong with that–knowing exactly who you are, and what your emotional boundaries are, and not compromising. I just feel bad for the scrawny, dry, unsatisfying chicken you are beating up for not being that fat juicy turkey you really want. 😉

    • Village Idiot says:

      Dear dragonfly918:

      When others regard/dispose of us as trash, that reflects nothing on us. However it speaks volumes of those who do so.

      Your human worth is incalculable. Never doubt that. Jest sayin’.

      Village Idiot

    • rougedmount says:

      THIS THIS THIS…says everything i needed to say and couldn’t find my own words for…
      “I could easily fall into a chronically jaded, and disappointed, as well as frustrated state of mind if I hadn’t experienced that short but intense bout of blissful connection. ”
      i miss it intensely …do not regret it …even though it damaged me so very much …and know i can never repeat it

      • dragonfly918 says:

        I’m glad it made sense to you. I am grateful every day I have not turned into a hardened soul. As for you my dear, you will find that connection again. Just don’t close yourself off to the possibility. I know I will find it again.

      • rougedmount says:

        i actually heard ‘Bahhh Humbug” in my head ..which cracked me up..so I thought I would share it even though it made me seem like the biggest goofball ever…lol
        technically i believe you…i guess..if i have to…lol..i DO know it.. but the issue is i no longer care…and i say that in the truest, most flippant way, possible.. i am so neutral about the whole thing i am starting to think something may be wrong with me..well of course things are wrong with me..but specifically in relation to what i want or what i am looking for…

      • dragonfly918 says:

        LOL! Glad you know it. You don’t have to care, just don’t close yourself off to possibility. That’s not good for YOUR psyche

      • rougedmount says:

        i promise to not do that…however it just feels stagnant..i am assuming one day it will work..lol

  4. I totally get this. I am no longer young and attractive, but when I was, I could get anything and anyone I wanted….and did….and it was the loneliest thing I’ve ever known, except for marriage….great piece.

  5. Are any of us the same as we were yesterday, last week, last month, last year? No, we all change everyday. Each moment we experience causes us to change whether it is for the better or worse remains to be seen. The numbness comes and lingers… why, for how long, is unknown. What we choose to do to began to feel again is always different and depends on the person and their tastes.

    You struck a chord with me. I’m struggling with something similar. And I’m not sure how I want to resolve my struggle or if I want it to continue. Emotionally I want to stay numb but physically I need to feel. I only ever felt butterflies with one person. I am physically attracted to others but they don’t create the butterflies…

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