What my spouse fails to understand is that everything is connected and actions have consequences.
He called and left a voice mail on my birthday. It was ” Hey, Happy Birthday. Hope you have a good day”. That’s it. Nothing else. My kids did not call or message me, because of course, their father did not remind them it was my birthday. They follow his example and have learned that I am unimportant. As they are virtually adults now, I am placing the onus on them for their failure to contact me, but ultimately, their father failed to teach them that I should be contacted on my birthday, since he doesn’t. This was exceptionally hurtful.
I had to drive an hour across town, in a massive rain storm with lightening, at 10PM at night to pick him up from the airport, instead of going to bed at that time. So I was up far past my normal bedtime, simply because the flight was more convenient for him and my needs were not taken into consideration. I had to drive in very bad weather, which is stressful considering the massive traffic which occurs at the same time.
Once we get gas, pick up a couple of things at the store, drive home, I quickly walked the dogs, then we went to bed. He immediately started groping as if he was coping a feel during a high school dance. All I could think of is “fuck! are you serious?” He hadn’t even kissed me or held my hand. There was no hugging, no touching, no re-connection at all; just grope grope grope at 12:30am. He decided to dive between my thighs and start licking me. No warm up, no foreplay, just dive in and act like he is motor boating. THREE times I snapped at him to stop biting and sucking so hard on my labia, that it was beyond pressure needed even for a hickey, in a tone of voice that would have left NO doubt that I was pissed off and certainly NOT liking or enjoying what he was doing. I was not moving, I was certainly not excited by the sudden and unwanted invasion.
He had shifted his body into a sideways 69 and despite all his moaning and groaning, the evidence of his arousal level was highly apparent in his SOFT PENIS being almost inverted, now placed right in front of my face. I went from disinterest to being repulsed. What is the fucking point of pretending sexual interest if you are going to show me that you are incapable of actually having sex? I jerked back from him. “If you want to use me to fuck so you can have sex and I can get some sleep, it’s not exactly going to be possible considering your fucking inability to get hard, is it?”
I am DONE trying to be understanding of his soft penis. He refuses to seek medical attention, probably because it’s inability to get or keep an erection is psychological. Either way, I DON”T CARE! I have told him repeatedly, that if he is showing me sexual interest and he is soft, that it douses me in a shivering ice bath of cold water. It’s like dunking me into a bucked of maggots. I am repulsed and offended. I don’t want his pathetic little dick anywhere near me. In the past he’s tried explaining his soft dick away, made up another 100 excuses. Blames me in the end. I am NOT engaging in any more of the lies he feels the need to tell about his soft dick. Just keep it the fuck away from me.
So he acts all surprised, reaches down to ‘check’ his apparent lack of erection, makes some inane comment, then leaves the bed for 10 minutes. Doing what? Who the fuck knows. Maybe he went to jerk off or message someone that he was home. I don’t care. He came back and muttered something about my not liking what he was doing. My reply was “What arouses me is an aroused man, which you obviously are not.” You would think that after months of no sex, he may have been able to get an erection. But no. Though now he can say ‘he tried’ having sex with me and I OF COURSE, rejected his stellar advance at marital sex. Poor passive aggressive, game playing, asshole who has a wife who doesn’t want sex.
So he gets back into bed, covers up and in the quiet dark of 1:30am I say, ” Oh, and thanks again for taking the time to mail me a birthday car or send me flowers or even send me a gift, like so many other people took the time to do. I know being directly across from the post office, meant you had a long way to go, so going out of your way was very appreciated. Oh, and thanks for being such a good example to the boys, that that they called their mother on her birthday…oh WAIT…neither one of those things is true, are they?”
Is it ANY wonder that there is no relationship there? ANY wonder that a man, ANY man, with a hard cock excites me? That a man who remembers my birthday or someone who buys me a gift for no reason other than he thought I would like it, ALL interest me more than the man whose FUCKING JOB it was to cherish me and be kind to me, to remember and celebrate important dates? No. That man is as useless as his dick in making me feel important or valued. The man I married stopped existing 22 years ago and the shell I am left with does nothing but leave muddy tracks from wearing dirty shoes across clean floors, leave dirty glasses on counters and cabinets and toilet seats raised over bowls filled with un-flushed pungent urine caused from not drinking enough water.
I am so glad the kids are coming back this week and can act as supervisors to our interactions, so I don’t have to spend any extra time alone with him than I have to. One day was ALL I needed to remind me of why things are the way they are between us. All he does is frustrate me because he acts like a fucking toddler I have to constantly be picking up after to ensure he doesn’t keep ruining everything. At least with kids present, I am reminded to bite my tongue and be pleasant and give clear direction and expectations on a moment to moment basis. When they aren’t here, I just want to fucking scream at him for being such a thoughtless asshole. I”M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!
I am tired, I am cranky and I am annoyed with him as a person, as a husband and as a man. I can not imagine taking someone for granted like he does to me. His life must be filled with sugar rainbows and unicorns if he even for a single second thinks that the way he acts and the way he treats me is conducive to ANYTHING other than creating resentment or building bad feelings. I don’t even expect him to figure it out for himself. I SAY IT to him directly and it still makes NO difference at all in his actions or behaviour. He doesn’t change because the ONLY consequence he will understand is when my clothes are gone. Then all of a sudden he will understand I meant what I said.
He doesn’t even realize its too late now anyway. In his head, leaving 10 words on a voice mail for my birthday was ‘adequate’. He doesn’t get that I see his Facebook and twitter feeds. He doesn’t get that I am fully aware of how much he speaks with others and spends time acknowledging them. Somehow he feels I must be missing how much time he gives to others while ignoring any opportunity to do the same for me. I can’t believe he is truly that stupid, especially when I tell him holidays and personal events like birthdays and anniversaries are important to me, so he must be ignoring me on purpose.
Want to know why some women cheat? Exhibit fucking “A”.