processing blame

The news ends and I get up to clean up the few things in the kitchen and when I go back into the family room, Dr Phil is now playing and my spouse has not changed the channel. The topic is mother in laws and the relationship with daughter in laws and apparent lack of action by the husband/son to correct the situation. Spouse is watching it, concentrating intensely, and I can’t believe he hasn’t changed and seems hyper focused on what’s being said and so I sit down, say nothing and just stay in the room so he is aware of my presence there.

I’m not sure what I expected but the fact that he did not run from the room upon hearing the topic shocked me. Or the fact that he heard what the topic was and chose to listen to the entire thing, surprised me beyond belief. He said nothing to me about it, we did not discus anything. Not while it was on and not afterwards. I am more than aware that he was probably processing everything. Things he’s heard from me and from various counselors and therapists over the years. But this time it was on TV and he wasn’t the focus of the conversation so I think he actually heard some of what was said.

What, if anything, he will do with what he heard, is yet to be determined. I am not hopeful, simply observant, that he was aware for the first time in a long time, that his life may have been very different had he just stood between the abusive behaviour his mother directed towards me for all those years; that perhaps he played the biggest role in the dissolution of our marriage because he chose her needs over me and mine, as well as placing her before our children. I am under no illusions that one show will change our entire relationship, but I am happy that if nothing else he may have gained some understanding of himself, from it.

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