my spouse, his issues, our sexual problem

I had posted a link to “Love Small Penis” as something written was exceptionally relevant to me and my marriage. One of the commentators, SassyCTGurl, replied to something i had written

I saw that you’d re blogged this post and commented on it and it made me curious… You’ve alluded to your husband being unable to perform in the past but I’d never seen you spell it out (maybe I didn’t read back far enough). Is it just that he’s on the small side? I hear your frustration in your comment on the small penis thing and his lack of being able to speak and share his feelings and insecurity. While I think the folks who write and post on that small penis blog have some intense hang ups and a fetish for being humiliated about having a small dick, I know what it’s like to be insecure about it and how that insecurity can lead to feeling inadequate….and how that can color your whole world if you let it.

which inspired this post as a detailed reply.

Penis size: my spouse’s penis is very, very small to begin with. He has gained a tummy over the last 15 yrs which has diminished his penis to the point of inversion when soft and barely able to be inserted when hard. At least before his weight gain, what he did have was usable even though it meant severely limited positions. I was fine with that simply because the positions worked for me anatomically and I never failed to orgasm. I am not blaming him for a weight gain and not being attracted to him. I certainly have gained weight as well. The problem is that because he is so small to start with, he could not afford to gain any weight and lose what penis length he had. My spouse is exceptionally attractive. Which makes his disappearing penis all the harder to accept.

Psychologically: he would deny sex over the duration of the marriage as a form of passive aggressive control. His list of excuses was almost comical. He stopped having sex with me after 5 years of an intense and satisfying sex life with sexual activity 7-10 times a week. Once I became pregnant (and a mother) he was completely done with intimacy with me and became a completely different man. I was no longer a woman but a mother, a broodmare. The change happened immediately and has never recovered. Google ‘Madonna Complex”.

Physically: his premature ejaculation is 100% uncontrolled, no matter what efforts I made to correct it. Insert everything you can think of as a way to resolve it, as I have tried it. Nothing works because he does not want it to work. The easiest way for him to avoid sex completely is to make sure I am completely unsatisfied, so I stop harassing him for it. Most men don’t understand this, but then again most men don’t suffer from being maternally castrated.

Medically: over the last 8-9? Years he has had health issues that make his erections far and few between. Once erect, he is very soft and can’t keep it up for long and if he can manage to use it, in the small window of opportunity he has, then of course, premature ejaculation is an issue as 90% of the time, he cums on penetration and the other 10% perhaps after a minute or 2. He can not last long enough for me or anyone else to orgasm. He refuses to seek medical assistance as he feels it is NOT an issue no matter how much I insist that it was and is.

Attitude: when he can’t get hard, stay hard, cums too soon etc. he is angry with ME. He blames me for exciting him too much, for being too tired, for losing concentration, for having too much concentration. You expect a man to have performance issues occasionally, as an understanding and patient woman, but not every single time. He would storm off in a huff because I ruined things. He would not use fingers, mouth or toys to compensate or to reciprocate an orgasm for me. He cums and goes. One and Done. Fuck and forgotten.

Sex with a small penis: personally, I fuck a small penis, a small penis doesn’t fuck me. It’s easy for me to position it inside of me, so I can orgasm easily. Just lay there and I will do the work. Since it used to be my preferred method of orgasm, I was completely content with his small package. USED TO BE. I was forced into learning other ways, simply because he withheld himself long enough, I accepted that an affair which may result in divorce if discovered, was worth the risk compared to living as I was.

Sex with a small/average penis: my spouses refusal to have sex with me, led me to have an affair. The man has basically the same size penis as my spouse before his weight gain. I was with him 2.5yrs and very sexually content and pleased. I had no desire or need to be with someone who was more heavily endowed. The man and his cock were a perfect fit for me. I did not have the affair because of my spouses small penis, but because of everything else. I did not seek out a man who had a bigger cock as it really wasn’t a factor when selecting a man I wanted to spend time with.

Sex with an average cock: this is my discovery of a difference between a penis and a cock. Of being fucked instead of fucking. A man with a completely average endowment of a solid 6 inches. 6 inches of glorious cock flesh that made me into something beyond a woman. Not only did he know how to use it, he made me take it and I have never been so full of anything in my life. He used his entire body to fuck me, not just his cock and it made him a perfect lover. All women deserve to be fucked like this at some point in their life. If he had been any bigger, I am positive I would not have been able to handle the experience AND the cock.

Sex with a large cock: Is not all it is portrayed as being. The biggest issue is many men who are well endowed have NO clue how to use it properly. None. They are useless as lovers because they have a sense of entitlement simply for showing up and unveiling the thing. They are lazy. Then you do have the other side, a well hung man who DOES know what to do and who does it well. He uses cock as a simple extension of his mouth, body, fingers simply to bring pleasure. When this happens, it’s rare and it’s an experience. It’s an out of body experience. But it is also very hard to handle every single day as it becomes a marathon of endurance. It may be a nice concept but it’s hard to live with as a reality. 

Misconceptions: I think many men who are under endowed assume that a woman will have the kind of mind altering sex I detailed in ‘sex with a large cocked man with a clue’ with anyone who is bigger than they are. Bigger is NOT always better. Size means nothing without the attitude of wanting to pleasure your partner to the point of her not being able to think coherently. I love how another blogger, KDaddy, always talks about sex with a woman. It makes me sigh with want as he gets it. Anyone can have sex and get off…few men take the time to give their partner a sexual experience. When a woman finds THAT man, his penis size is virtually irrelevant.

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20 Responses to my spouse, his issues, our sexual problem

  1. larryarcher says:

    Great thoughts and hopefully you will find a boyfriend who will take care of your needs.

  2. dragonfly918 says:

    Your husbands issues aside, which are unbelievably infuriating–and I’m sure hundreds of thousands of men would kill to have such a sexually open and willing beautiful woman such as yourself–but I have to say that I agree with your assessment and opinion regarding cock size, and have my own mini rant on my blog about this very subject. What ultimately matters is the size of the organ between a man’s ears and his imagination.

    • rougedmount says:

      … preaching to the choir am I? am discovering that there are sexual men out there who DO want me if I had just looked up, from looking down, for so long. I have to say…I am completely ruined…I will NEVER go back to a non sexual relationship … ever…again…

      • dragonfly918 says:

        Absolutely! To everything!

        For high sex drive women like ourselves, I believe it’s psychologically DAMAGING to be in a relationship with someone with less drive. Severe depression and unreasoning rages were par for the course for me when I was unwillingly celibate.

      • rougedmount says:

        seriously! I empathize completely! most men would love the fact that if they had a partner who was in a ‘bad mood’ all they had to do was fuck her silly and turn her into a sugary ball of fluff again. mood stabilizer was an infusion of seminal fluid. Being forced into celibacy is as damaging as being forced into prostitution.

  3. deepexplorations says:

    Thank you for your candor and your explanation. I can imagine the pain and frustration that you feel.
    As an aside, thank you for linking to my blog, but the one you would actually probably be more interested in (and I’d rather share with the world is under “postmoderncuriousman” here on wordpress. It’s linked to the same profile.

    Men who don’t like or want sex most certainly exist, we’ve just been culturally trained to believe that they don’t, the same way we’ve been trained to believe that women don’t really want sex, especially once they are married for a while.

    I’ve got more to share but it will have to wait until I’ve got a little more time to share it.

  4. kdaddy23 says:

    What I know is this: I would do whatever I could to fuck my woman and if/when it became impossible for me to do so, I would tell her – command her – to take as many lovers as she needs or, if I had to, I’d pay someone to do her because even if you’re unable to fuck her, you are still responsible for taking care of ALL of her needs – you don’t get a pass just because you can’t or won’t do it.

    The only legit excuses are divorcing her or death. Rouged, be glad I don’t live next door to you…

  5. IceBreaker says:

    Your candor and thoughtfulness are tremendous. As somebody who deals with some of the size issues you talk about, I’ve learned a lot from reading posts like this. You really wonder how much of your sex life is influenced by your penis size and how much it is everything else… it’s really enlightening to and educational to read about these things from a lady’s perspective. In the meantime, I’ll have to stay on top of the weight gain!

    Good luck and I hope everything works out.

    • rougedmount says:

      i’m glad you find some value what i’ve written…and for the record…every 35lbs hides 1 inch in a mans pubic adipose tissue. a man can do the math on how much bigger his dick will look, if he has extra weight to lose.

  6. deepexplorations says:

    Interesting factoid on the penis lenght/weight gain! lol

    Back to my thoughts…Having read this entry and some of your other ones, it is clear that your husband has some deep seated issues that have clearly come to infect your marriage. I have been affected throughout my life by the effects of my neglected childhood. Its no excuse, but it can put it in perspective. When you have no worth for yourself it is very hard to provide love to those around you. Again, not an excuse, but merely a frame of reference. Trust is very hard, and you believe that you deserve crap and often you seek out ways to make your lot crappier because that is what you feel like you deserve. The effect on those around you can be really rough. For a while it works, but as you go along it doesn’t and when it doesn’t, it gets really bad.

    It also sounds though that you suffer from sexual incompatibility. My wife and I are that way, but I had no idea about it until I had an affair and discovered what else is out there. With Amy, my affair, I am a totally different person, and we click sexually like the man you described that really does an amazing job fucking you. With her I am confident, I am proud, and I am unstoppable as a lover, much as you describe your man. Being with her unleashed a whole different side of me that I didn’t know even existed. I always knew that I was hyper sexual, but it opened new doors for me and new confidence. With Jenn, my wife, we can have some hot times, but we have long term relationship patterns and baggage that are held over from years of being together, and I’m just not sexually attracted to her.

    I’ve struggled to know what my place is, and where I belong. For the time being I’ve decided to stay in my marriage for the sake of my children, but to continue my affair for the sake of my happiness both sexual and emotional. Your milage of course will vary. For what it’s worth, you sound like an incredibly sexy and amazing woman who deserves a man who knows how to treat you and your real value.

    • rougedmount says:

      Yes…my spouse has massive issues from childhood that were triggered in him AFTER I got pregnant and had kids. I can’t undo that event and so he can not undo his inability to find me sexually arousing. After 5 yrs of an amazing sex life, I had NO idea he would stop finding me sexually appealing, once I gave him the family he wanted.
      I have always been very sexual AND sensual; I am also very understanding and intuitive towards a mans needs. I attempted to adapt, to alter things, to invest and adjust, but nothing worked. I went from hurt to angry, to negotiating and finally acceptance that THIS was how he was and how WE were.
      But it’s been a huge process and I am no where near where I need to be. I have NO idea what the future will hold and I don’t even care anymore. I’m no longer looking for ‘love’. I’m no longer looking for ‘stability’. I am not looking for an “exit strategy”. I think part of me has become jaded or disappointed with how many men’s minds work.
      You staying married ‘for the kids’ is hard for me to hear. I did it myself and I get it. HOWEVER…what example do they see? Mine saw a strong woman who did the parenting and who had a neutral relationship with their father. No touching, no kissing, no hand holding, no reciprocity of gifts I gave him. Kids are by nature selfish creatures and don’t notice things…especially about their parents. BUT they do learn how to mirror their own relationships after what the see. We give them the barometer in which to measure their own lives!
      I wish I could have shown them a loving, affectionate relationship where they saw dancing in the kitchen, ass grabbing in the hallways and making out under the Christmas tree. Didn’t happen and I’ve given up my dream of what I wanted and am content that at least they had stability and normalcy.
      I hope that your decision to stay and have an affair, will give you the time you need to figure things out in regards to your wife and your actual happiness. I am going to make a HUGE suggestion, knowing nothing about you or your life, but I highly recommend therapy or counselling for yourself to help you. Talking to someone who can give you some objective advice to help you sort through things much faster than doing it by yourself.

      • deepexplorations says:

        I have had counseling both individual and marriage. In many ways it has helped a great deal, while in other ways it has made things much more complex in my mental sphere. Overall it is a good thing.

        I hear what you are saying about being married but being loveless. My wife and I however are not loveless. We are physically affectionate like an average couple, we don’t fight, we are harmonious and get along very well. We aren’t passionate people together, and I am not sexually attracted to her, and I find that she doesn’t support me emotionally in a way that I want. So staying together puts a crimp in my happiness but for everyone else it is a good arrangement. At heart I am a pragmatist, and in that light it is the best overall option to do the most good for the most people.
        I’m sorry that your experience has been so hard for you and left you with so much anger. That isn’t good for anyone, and I hope that you can find some real happiness in your future…I hope we all can!

      • rougedmount says:

        i’m not ‘angry’ at all… that happened many many years ago and i am mostly removed from that place other than flares of issues which get vented here.

      • deepexplorations says:

        Oh, I thought from your writing that the feelings and the situation were current. Yay for not being angry though!

      • rougedmount says:

        anger is a healthy response to certain situations and is part of a healing process…you move on from it. the danger is when people get stuck and unable to move forward.

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