The problem with falling in love the first time as an adult is that unless you are free to pursue it, or brave enough to give up your existing life to, is that when you meet other people, there is simply the complete lack of inspirational fire. It is a vastly different experience than falling in love when you are nothing more than a child without the experience of life behind you. Yes, you can be attracted to someone, you can grow to love them out of the deep care you feel towards them. There can be passionate moments between you that dissipate as soon as the physical need is over.
That moment when a passionate encounter ends, is when you truly recognize what you have lost by not chasing what you really wanted. The overwhelming lust and need you feel for someone you love, is the very spice that so many people seek out when they claim to have ‘lost the spark’ in a relationship. That spark is not just a sexual compatibility, it is one where the mind and body recognize the rarity of the person before you as someone who can meet both of those deep seated emotional, human needs to love and feel love.
This is why it’s absence hurts so much. Why we feel the void so strongly when it’s not there. It is the difference between being fed nutrition through a tub directly into the stomach and sitting down and enjoying a candlelit gourmet meal behind a cobble stone retaining wall, overlooking the moonlit caldera in Santorini, Greece. It is the experience of your mind being continuously bathed in the endorphin’s of passionate love that can establish those neural pathways so deeply inside of your mind that the very structure of how you think is forever altered.
I fell in love as an adult and I purposefully walked away from it. Fear and the mathematics of weighing the needs of others against my own played a role in my choice. After a lifetime of struggle to make relationships work, I knew I was not strong enough to do the work to make “life” work around the relationship.I pushed him away. He feared opening up to me. Two damaged people standing looking at the other and too afraid to take that step together. So we began looking for it elsewhere, all the while looking back over our respective shoulders at each other, occasionally reaching out and touching fingers, only to realize that the electricity between us is still there, still magnificent in its arching colors and leaving us gasping with the shock of the contact.
I know I can not pursue what I ended, as it was with merit and either time and distance will not change my chosen course. But the attraction is there, the pull is there, the desire is there; fueled by every breath and every secret lustful dream I have of him. I can attempt to replace him with 1000 men and none will have the combination that I need to come marginally close to being an acceptable substitution. They simply aren’t what I need. It doesn’t matter how many delicious and fine cuts of beef you are offered, if you are a vegetarian.