Part of me wants to be angry with him for ending his life; for removing his talent from the world so there will be nothing more to come. The other part of me is so sad for the loss of his presence in the world. I can’t believe that he killed himself. He was a leading character in all of my favourite movies. He was larger than life and I simply enjoyed his talent so much, I am feeling his loss personally, even though he was a complete stranger.
Depression pisses me off. I’m not sure you can explain it to someone who hasn’t really lived with it. It’s like explaining childbirth to someone; all the reading and pictures does not do the experience justice. An outsider can view the manifestations of Depression, but does not know the actual darkness. It’s probably a good thing. It would be too much of a burden to people who have light inside of them, to know the weight of depression from inside the emotion.
It’s why I think people who are dealing with Depression need to be handled by people who are at various stages of it, themselves. They get support from their peers who they know understand intimately where they are at, because we’ve been on the pendulum ourselves. The biggest mistake our society makes is allowing people with Depression to be deemed ‘cured’ or ‘over it’. That never happens.
Depression is an insidious current that runs through the water of the life we live and it can alter its path and intensity at any given moment and with no notice. Once it’s diagnosed, I believe it must be monitored and individuals held accountable to people who are trained at seeing the slight personality changes that can signal a swing towards the darkness. The only thing to stop it’s devastating impact is to have others help you fight it. Doing it yourself becomes too much at times.
Suicide is an actual option. It’s a personal choice. When you simply can not handle the Depression any longer and you no longer can see how transferring those emotions onto the people you love one you shed your life, it means you have immediate need of supervision until you come back into yourself again. Suicide only ends YOUR pain and it’s the beginning of the worst pain imaginable for every single person who loved and cared for you. People who have to live with your choice every single day they draw breath. Suicide doesn’t end depression, it transfers it to others.
Killing yourself is the fasted way to spread Depression so it infects more and more people. It is the ultimate in act in selfishness as it can never be undone. I am hurting today because Robin Williams committed suicide, because he made the choice to spread his Depression instead of continuing to fight its presence in his life. His life wasn’t his own to take. He had touched the lives of too many people for him to choose suicide as an option.
I wish I could be angry with him, or the people in his life who saw him struggling and accepted his platitudes and lies about ‘being fine’. Right now, I am just immeasurably sad that we live in a world that could not protect him from the demons inside his own mind. I’m sad that depression overcame him. Always remember to H.O.P.E; Hold On, Pain Ends.