explanations

 

i gave him the family he wanted and he stopped having sex with me. my guess is he did not find post baby body attractive. he refuses to discuss or speak of anything relationship wise or sexually related. he used sex as a weapon to withhold from me. insert every excuse under the sun as to the reasons he gave to avoid it. eventually, he developed actual physical issues, not just mental ones.

he would use premature ejaculation as a way to avoid any sexual intimacy and end the interaction. once he stopped being able to get an erection or to maintain one, the rare times he did, it also served his goal to end the interaction between us. needless to say, he would not see a dr or ask for medication that would assist him, as he did not want sex with me. a soft cock ensured it.

over the last 18 months, his now compliant (and soft) cock has enabled him to once again, start coming close to me again. i can’t argue he wants sex, not when his cock is soft, can i? or argue with him to use it on me? he no longer had a reason to place pillows between us on a king sized bed. so now he will touch me again because he knows it can not lead to anything. It’s physically impossible. male touch to me, excites me. he could not touch me when i would expect some type of sexual interaction.

On top of the sexual issues, there was the vast distance between us, the lack of intimacy that over a long marriage resulted in my not trusting him. He was not and has never been there for me during the worst crisis’s of my life. 5 years ago was a breaking point and event that lead me to have an affair after 22 yrs of being faithful. i was with him for 2.5 yrs and am still friends with him 2.5 yrs later.

Once i had the affair, it meant i became a better mother and person because i was no longer sexually frustrated every day and I had someone with whom i was trusted implicitly and who was there for me to support me during difficult times. Now my husbands touch did not frustrate me. now his need to not be intimate didn’t hold power over me.

All of a sudden my marriage improved because I could finally accept the sibling type relationship he wanted between us. He would still want sex 3-4 times a year. Brief encounters lasting 3-4 minutes beginning to end and not worth the time it took to say no to. Why should I when it would cause a week of pouting and petulance? All I had to do to keep the peace was to donate 9-16 minutes of my time a YEAR and then I could do whatever I wanted. I could come and go as I pleased and live the life I wanted without him even batting an eye.

I realized I was living a single lifestyle 2.5 yrs ago. I began ‘dating’, travelling, talking openly really, though never in a vengeance type way. Surprisingly my spouse did nothing. We do NOT have an open marriage. He lives in wilful ignorance and I live as honestly as I can. There is no fighting or drama.  There is no companionship or doing things together. We talk about how much milk we need or if he has an overdue bill that caused a call to the house. The only discussion he begins, is when he needs me to re-sign the mortgage papers so he can take out the equity in the house.

I met another man and was with him 1.5 yrs. It ended a year ago. This last year has been interesting/hard/ strange. I know I need another man in my life to enable me to stay married. I need to stay married as I have responsibilities I can not walk away from. I need the man I am with to be not just a sexual outlet but a mental companion. It’s asking a lot of him. I want emotional investment but the ability to keep his priorities straight in understanding that his family comes before his desire for a whole relationship with a woman; a woman who is sexually available and responsive to him. One who supports him and encourages him. A woman who understands that she is vital to his life but not above his needs to place his family and his children, as the priority.

I want the commitment that if I agree to trust someone with a sexual relationship with me, that the first time we have sex will be the first for what will be a relationship that will last a few years. I have no doubt that my abilities to keep a man sexually satisfied, will not be an issue. If my partner is a demanding giver. If his cock is of the size that is compatible with my sexual needs, then I will be able to ensure he is content and happy. That he grows into a better man and father because I help him by our time together.

 

One day, situations may alter the relationship which works wonderfully and we will have to have an honest, real and hard conversation about changing a functioning relationship and ending the sexual component. There will not be a casual fading of contact; there will not be anger or resentment. There will be absolute trust and truth between us and it will let us be friends long after we stop seeing each other romantically.

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17 Responses to explanations

  1. Part if my premature ejaculation problem has stemmed from repressed anger.

    I thought I was being a good husband by not getting angry with my ex-wife. In fact, that is what she SAID she wanted.

    I did not consciously ejaculate quicker in order to hurt my ex, but it is interesting that as I’ve got more in touch with my body, I have connected with my sexuality/sensuality so that I last much longer AND I have connected to my anger. All those feelings were in the same body, and withholding one meant withholding others.

    I was fucking angry with my ex. She did some fucking hurtful shit, and I tried not to hurt her back. But that plan backfired. You can’t pretend those feelings aren’t there.

    Maybe your husband is angry with you for hurting him. Maybe he is as furious as you are, but scared to express it.

    You can’t shout at a scared person to be less scared. You have to go to the scary place with them and hold their hand.

    You are really, really angry with him. You keep saying you aren’t but the words you use scream with anger, to my eyes. And it’s fine if you’re angry, but don’t be in as much denial as he is.

    Only one of you has to be brave. The other will be inspired and respond.

    • rougedmount says:

      i certainly appreciate your comments…unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. once i am gone, he will know i meant it, and not before. its simply just how he is. and i dealt with the anger years ago. because i was angry for a very long time.

  2. dragonfly918 says:

    I know nothing about aspberger

  3. Elena Woods says:

    It always saddens me to see this kind of thing happening to marriages. 😦 i can’t imagine how everything would just suddenly stop once people get married. But the thing is, it almost always do. It’s almost a fact. But Why? What’s with marriage that once people enters it..they suddenly stop loving each other and start hating each other. 😦

    • rougedmount says:

      it wasnt the marriage …it was the children. for 5 years all was fine. once i had kids i was no longer a woman i was a mother and as such he was repulsed by me. he did not touch me and i was no longer sexual. he suffered from a real condition that he refused to acknowledge and when it kept being repeated by counselors and therapists, he stopped going. He chose to live in willful ignorance knowing it meant that it would kill my feelings. he was fine with that as long as he didn’t lose the social position of being ‘married with kids’

  4. dragonfly918 says:

    Sorry about that. Hit send somehow. I was saying I know nothing of aspergers but I asked my psychologist if it was hereditary and he said yes it can be. So if your son has it, by his behavior it sounds to me like your husband has it. If he does then he is bottom line incapable of the constancy of the kind of relationship you want from him. But you know this already.

    I must be honest with you and tell you that there is a part of me that admires your commitment and determination, and another part that wants to slap you upside the head and yell “snap out of it!” like Cher in Moonstruck.

    Ultimately of course I acknowledge your life choices and just look forward to your sex poetry, among other things. xoxo

    • rougedmount says:

      lol i appreciate and can understand your comments..lol. i feel the exact same way about myself at times. my spouse doesnt have aspergers..he does have a plethora of other issues, but that isn;t one of them.

  5. God. I think you could have just written my life. But you know that already. I feel every single ounce of your frustration. I don’t know how any human can live in such a state of denial. It’s a god awful space to be in. I feel your pain.

  6. ismeisreallyme says:

    so many of us here share many commonalties. from the sexless, passionless marriages, the want, the desires, son’s on the spectrum etc. etc. like you, I was 110% faithful for the first 23-years
    (even though he hasn’t been) and since taking a lover just over 2-years ago, the difference is apparent, noticeable, palpable even. in reading about your first lover who remains a friend; I admit that is the hope for me and him. for that time, if and when we end as the (very) long distance lovers that we are. thank you for sharing, as always.

    • rougedmount says:

      he and i are so close…we shall always be the kind of friends who even if they dont speak for a while, pick up right where they left off. we have a shorthand.considering where he is in his life, it was apparent that i needed to give him space to adjust to it and grow into the roll of the type of man he wants to be. so thats what i am doing. i miss him…and if you are both on the same page then it is possible for you to have as well..

  7. This is incredibly sad, to have a marriage like this. I think many of us men aren’t great at communication — me included. It took a while for me to get better at opening up and sharing. There are still times it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But there are others who are more stubborn in not wanting to open up. I think it’s a huge shame to be that way, especially with something so valuable as your relationship with your partner. It sounds like you’ve found a solution that works for you, to be better in your relationship at home.

    • rougedmount says:

      for many women, a mans words, when he talks about emotional things, is so incredibly powerful. it IS the thing that bonds us to them like nothing else can, when he shows his vulnerable side to us. it triggers an emotional response that is almost maternal in that we want to hold and love him, protect him and ease his fears but it also triggers a huge surge of sexual energy towards him because he is showing us he trusts us with his past, his secrets, his fears and hopes.
      men don;t understand how much a woman needs this from her partner. If he fails to do it, WE start to shut down and for many woman that means sexual withdraw as well.

      • I didn’t realize the deep effect of a man’s words like this. Or the deep effect of not sharing of emotional things. Thank you for this, I wish this was something I heard years ago.

      • rougedmount says:

        well you’ve heard it now and can take appropriate actions in the future. just remember this: once you start feeling ‘uncomfortable’ in regards to opening up, that’s when you know you are on the right path of sharing feelings with someone. push through it..but recognize it for what it it…which is your own personal growth as a man..the bi product of which is a closer relationship with your partner.

  8. Chris Brown (not the felon) says:

    This was scary to read, as I’m in the exact same boat. I am frustrated beyond words that my wife just turned off the tap after our now 20 year old was conceived. There was always the excuse of too tired, or emotionally spent, or whatever the thought de jour was. I could have forced the issue but who wants to make long, sweet love to someone who’s looking at their watch thinking “when will this be done?” I honestly believe that a physical and mental affair would remove a lot of the anguish I walk around with and make me a better parent and partner. The trick is finding the right person. Because you (and I, for that matter) are looking for a physical and mental connection that you can’t just go onto ebay for.

    I hope it works out for you. If it does I don’t think I want to know about it though… I’ll be insanely jealous 😉

    • rougedmount says:

      being abandoned emotionally and physically by your partner, damages your soul. It;s untenable and unsustainable. We did not take vows of chastity and poverty, we did not join a convent or monastery. If they expect YOU to respect their sexual choice to not have sex, then they have to respect YOUR sexual choice to have it with a willing partner. That’s basically what I determined as i worked my way through this. You will never get those years back.. if you can determine that you are willing to risk a future divorce on the chance that they will not discover anything…then i am telling you, it is totally worth it. If my spouse ends up believing one day, the things I am actually telling him, and wants a divorce, thats fine with me…it meant that at least these last few years i was able to work through my issues and get to be in a better place, so much so in fact that i am not just a better mom/wife NOW, but if we do divorce i will be fine with it and perfect for the next man who comes along and not have any nasty baggage to work through

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