I am struggling. I am angry. I am hurt. I don’t want to understand his version of what happened. Frankly, I don’t care. I am probably more aware of what happened than he is anyway. I “know” who I am, while he is lost and pretending; faking a confidence that is not his.
Unfortunately, instead of dealing with the emotions you knew were going to come, as you promised you would, you decided to run away because it was easier for YOU. You did not stay with me while mitigating the guilt, you did not believe that things would be okay with me, you didn’t trust me to help you through the process; that even though the reality of having sex with me, may have been more than you expected, you could have dealt with it while under no pressure from me, as I was still willing to be there for you, over the time you needed, to adjust.
Trying to be a different man, than the one you know yourself to actually be, must be incredibly hard for you. An affair sounded good on paper and in theory; for 2 weeks you eschewed confidence in your abilities to deal with the reality of having a physical affair, as I spoke to you about the consequences to your future actions. I worked through it all with you, before we ever became intimate, so you would truly understand where you were, to give you time to decide to back out, if you weren’t ready. Yet, if you had never done anything like this before, there was no way for you to truly understand HOW you were going to deal with it, was there, other than by listening to my guidance on what to expect. I believed you would honour what you had promised me and I was wrong. You chose to panic and run.
And worse, when you realized that you were struggling, you did not bother to contact me and tell me, to give me a chance to help you through it, you ignored me. You let it fester and poison you. I know it was a brief period of time of limited contact, but it was a change from what you normally behaved like and I knew the emotional roller coaster ride you may be feeling after sex with me. You gave me no comfort of security when I advised you of my fear, because you had none to give. This meant you either used me or you were incredibly immature and callous. Either option meant disaster and meant my judgement about you was wrong.
I was the one forced to initiate contact you, knowing that chances were you were going to make up excuses to not see me and I was right. You were concerned about YOU and your needs and your experience and you relegated me and my needs as secondary to YOUR experience, as if I didn’t matter. As if the trauma you were about to inflict on me with NO warning, was irrelevant. This is NOT how a man should treat a woman; especially a woman who has opened her life and her body up to you and trusted you to protect them. The number of narcissistic personality traits you have exhibited over the last few days, is truly astounding. Can you imagine someone treating your daughters, the way you just treated me?
You also knew that revealing your announcement to arbitrarily discontinue seeing me, was going to hurt me because you promised me that you would be honest about your process as you transitioned through your emotions; not honest about bailing on ‘us’ once it got real and we had sex. Not only are you admitting that you cannot deal with me as an affair partner, you are also admitting your own emotional failure and inability to deal with yourself honestly. It must be horrible as a man, to face this very ugly truth about yourself; that you are lacking on so many levels and as a true partner. You should think about that in relation to your marriage and why your wife is the way she is with you.
I have a newsflash for you: despite running away immediately after we had sex, like a scared and feeble little man, you still cheated. Your running from it, changes nothing, because it still happened. That’s changed things for you, whether you like it or not. Now you can’t claim to have been a faithful husband, the same you can’t claim to be a virgin, once you have sex. If you ever say you didn’t cheat, it will be a lie. You still fucked a woman, not your wife. You can never take it back. It will ALWAYS be there. Every anniversary you have from now on, you will look at her and remember that you broke your marriage vows and cheated on her.
Every time you look at your son and think about being a role model to him, you will know you sought out another woman and lead them along for 2 weeks until they had sex with you; every time your daughters question you about boys or relationships, I am going to be there in the middle of the conversation because you sought me out and told me all the right things until we had sex – and then you shut me out immediately, claiming that you didn’t use me, when the reality supports the fact that you did. This is the reality of what you have done.
All you did was change what could have been a positive experience and wonderful relationship between us, into something horribly painful. You twisted it and you damaged me in the process, in your effort to run away from your own emotions. And throwing me away after sex will not make you into who you were. It will not fix your ability to see yourself as a faithful husband and role model. Your legacy in this horrible mistake, is that you told me the things I needed to hear, to get the sex you wanted and have the experience you had never had. You used me. This makes you what most women refer to as “a lying asshole.”
I can even go so far as to admit that your intent may not have been to cause harm to me, but your actions ensured that you did the most damage you could possibly do. Your lack of certainty and assertiveness when it comes to inter personal relationships with women, is part of your basic personality and it has not only explains your lack of prior relationships and has brought you to the situation you are in with your wife, it will be destined to be repeated in the future, unless you gain the maturity to realize that this disaster you have created between us, is a result of you not trusting me or the process, of not understanding yourself and not being prepared to actually do the hard work needed to work through it, so you could grow from it instead of cowering from it.
I earned my strength and knowledge because of a painful past and instead of letting me be the woman to believe in you, to support you and to be a foundation for you to build upon so that you could become a better father and husband for your family, you chose to use me as a stepping stone to retreat back into someone you proclaimed you did not want to be. But because you feared the future and the change of perspective you could now see, you ran like the coward, I will always think of you as. You have learned nothing. I feel sorry for you. You’re pathetic with your feeble excuses; I choose not to forgive you or give you the absolution you are looking for, because I would rather forget your existence. You brought me no insight or meaning into my life. You simply don’t matter.