The reality of His first affair

I am struggling. I am angry. I am hurt. I don’t want to understand his version of what happened. Frankly, I don’t care. I am probably more aware of what happened than he is anyway. I “know” who I am, while he is lost and pretending; faking a confidence that is not his.

Unfortunately, instead of dealing with the emotions you knew were going to come, as you promised you would, you decided to run away because it was easier for YOU. You did not stay with me while mitigating the guilt, you did not believe that things would be okay with me, you didn’t trust me to help you through the process;  that even though the reality of having sex with me, may have been more than you expected, you could have dealt with  it while under no pressure from me, as I was still willing to be there for you, over  the time you needed, to adjust.

Trying to be a different man, than the one you know yourself to actually be, must be incredibly hard for you. An affair sounded good on paper and in theory; for 2 weeks you eschewed confidence in your abilities to deal with the reality of having a physical affair, as I spoke to you about the consequences to your future actions. I worked through it all with you, before we ever became intimate, so you would truly understand where you were, to give you time to decide to back out, if you weren’t ready. Yet, if you had never done anything like this before, there was no way for you to truly understand HOW you were going to deal with it, was there, other than by listening to my guidance on what to expect. I believed you would honour what you had promised me and I was wrong. You chose to panic and run.

And worse, when you realized that you were struggling, you did not bother to contact me and tell me, to give me a chance to help you through it, you ignored me. You let it fester and poison you. I know it was a brief period of time of limited contact, but it was a change from what you normally behaved like and I knew the emotional roller coaster ride you may be feeling after sex with me. You gave me no comfort of security when I advised you of my fear, because you had none to give. This meant you either used me or you were incredibly immature and callous. Either option meant disaster and meant my judgement about you was wrong.

I was the one forced to initiate contact you, knowing that chances were you were going to make up excuses to not see me and I was right. You were concerned about YOU and your needs and your experience and you relegated me and my needs as secondary to YOUR experience, as if I didn’t matter. As if the trauma you were about to inflict on me with NO warning, was irrelevant. This is NOT how a man should treat a woman; especially a woman who has opened her life and her body up to you and trusted you to protect them. The number of narcissistic personality traits you have exhibited over the last few days, is truly astounding. Can you imagine someone treating your daughters, the way you just treated me?

You also knew that revealing your announcement to arbitrarily discontinue seeing me, was going to hurt me because you promised me that you would be honest about your process as you transitioned through your emotions; not honest about bailing on ‘us’ once it got real and we had sex.  Not only are you admitting that you cannot deal with me as an affair partner, you are also admitting your own emotional failure and inability to deal with yourself honestly.  It must be horrible as a man, to face this very ugly truth about yourself; that you are lacking on so many levels and as a true partner. You should think about that in relation to your marriage and why your wife is the way she is with you.

I have a newsflash for you: despite running away immediately after we had sex, like a scared and feeble little man, you still cheated. Your running from it, changes nothing, because it still happened. That’s changed things for you, whether you like it or not. Now you can’t claim to have been a faithful husband, the same you can’t claim to be a virgin, once you have sex. If you ever say you didn’t cheat, it will be a lie. You still fucked a woman, not your wife. You can never take it back. It will ALWAYS be there. Every anniversary you have from now on, you will look at her and remember that you broke your marriage vows and cheated on her.

Every time you look at your son and think about being a role model to him, you will know you sought out another woman and lead them along for 2 weeks until they had sex with you; every time your daughters question you about boys or relationships, I am going to be there in the middle of the conversation because you sought me out and told me all the right things until we had sex – and then you shut me out immediately, claiming that you  didn’t use me, when the reality supports the fact that you did. This is the reality of what you have done.

All you did was change what could have been a positive experience and wonderful relationship between us, into something horribly painful. You twisted it and you damaged me in the process, in your effort to run away from your own emotions. And throwing me away after sex will not make you into who you were. It will not fix your ability to see yourself as a faithful husband and role model. Your legacy in this horrible mistake, is that you told me the things I needed to hear, to get the sex you wanted and have the experience you had never had. You used me. This makes you what most women refer to as “a lying asshole.”

I can even go so far as to admit that your intent may not have been to cause harm to me, but your actions ensured that you did the most damage you could possibly do. Your lack of certainty and assertiveness when it comes to inter personal relationships with women, is part of your basic personality and it has not only explains your lack of prior relationships and has brought you to the situation you are in with your wife, it will be destined to be repeated in the future, unless you gain the maturity to realize that this disaster you have created between us, is a result of you not trusting me or the process, of not understanding yourself and not being prepared to actually do the hard work needed to work through it, so you could grow from it instead of cowering from it.

I earned my strength and knowledge because of a painful past and instead of letting me be the woman to believe in you, to support you and to be a foundation for you to build upon so that you could become a better father and husband for your family, you chose to use me as a stepping stone to retreat back into someone you proclaimed you did not want to be. But because you feared the future and the change of perspective you could now see, you ran like the coward, I will always think of you as. You have learned nothing. I feel sorry for you. You’re pathetic with your feeble excuses; I choose not to forgive you or give you the absolution you are looking for, because I would rather forget your existence. You brought me no insight or meaning into my life. You simply don’t matter.

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22 Responses to The reality of His first affair

  1. nottooold2 says:

    Will he read any of these or are they solely to help you work through the emotions?

    • rougedmount says:

      he is not going to get any further benefit of any of my words and experience. done. he is irrelevant.

      • nottooold2 says:

        Ouch. Just wondering. 😳😉

      • rougedmount says:

        it wouldn’t matter anyway…nothing i say can mitigate what he’s done. i am not going to try and convince him he made a mistake in his reaction. he can not give me what i need, so there is no point asking for it. saying he is sorry means nothing. i do not want an apology. i do not want an explanation. i do not want him to keep writing me and sharing platitudes about how he did not expect to feel what he has.
        that’s bullshit and its a lie.
        coming from a place of ignorance may enable him to use some of what he has said, but the simple fact is he was pre-warned and it was heavily discussed so i could gain assurance that this was the best course of action for him. in spite of my need to share someone of my life with someone, had he not been ready, i simply would have advised him, given him guidance, my friendship and assisted him on his journey to understand what his needs were.
        i have no tolerance for cowards and have no respect for a man who is not able to face his personal demons and make better choices for himself and those he cares about. Do not claim ignorance when you were educated. Do not claim a sudden morality after exposing your lack of convictions.
        My emailing him will do nothing because he sees himself as a victim as opposed to an active participant. Nothing I say will alter his perception and it is not my job to try and bend reality to suit him. he’s already proven that he won’t listen and he is reactionary; neither of which i can tolerate.

  2. oceanswater says:

    Happy to see you got your Mojo nack!!!

  3. ismeisreallyme says:

    strength. you radiate strength even when you are devastated by pain and fueled by anger. and, compassion, though you are angry you have compassion in the realism of your words. it’s why you continue to grow and why you inspire my own journey.

    • rougedmount says:

      i seriously love the way in which you send me support. you make me question if what you are saying about me is true and then think to myself, perhaps it is, if someone else sees it in me.

  4. kdaddy23 says:

    I always feel sorry for anyone who has their first affair and then they find out that it’s not as easy as they either thought it would be or as simple as they may have heard. I understand why some people will decide to step into these unknown waters; what I’ve never been able to figure out is why they really don’t take a lot more time to think about the possibility of failure, that they just might get cold feet or have a major change of heart.

    Then you screw the pooch and wonder why the person you tried to have an affair with aren’t so forgiving. Yeah, you should have known or, at the least, been able to give some thought about things taking a bad turn… but if you’ve never done it before, how are you supposed to know how you’re gonna react to something until you do it? I’m not defending anyone by asking this – I’m just asking a question that isn’t as rhetorical as it appears to be.

    In all the many affairs I had – some sanctioned, some not so much – I learned kinda the hard way that when someone you’re having an affair with – and it’s their first time – tells you something, you just don’t believe it until you see it and more so if you know that this person can have a change of heart right in the middle of you having sex with them; trust me, this one is about as ugly as it gets and if you haven’t experienced it, you don’t want to.

    This is a sad situation and, clearly, women deal with this differently than men who have had the other shoe suddenly drop. Experience has taught me that it is what it is, that promises are nice and all that but reality – and that sharp, biting clarity that comes when you know you can’t deal with what you just did – is the true indicator, the true measuring stick that will ultimately determine how someone deals with the reality that comes with having that first affair.

    Have I ever “held a grudge” against someone who couldn’t follow through? I think I did, once or twice but, again, when I sat back and thought about how it all went down and all that, nah, I didn’t feel justified to “hate” on someone who thought that this is what they wanted to do then found out that they couldn’t… because not everyone can have an affair just like not everyone can have the foresight and even determination that having an affair calls for. You need… guts, for lack of a better word, to have those God-awful feelings hit you so hard you want to puke all over the place – but let the moment pass so that you can get your head back into that place that will allow you to continue what you started, so that you can try your damnedest to live up to whatever it was you said to the person you just crushed… and that’s if they have it in their hearts to put aside this moment of absolute uncertainty and because they still believe that the magic is possible.

    And if they don’t, well, you just learned something very important, something that will determine whether or not you’re gonna stay on the porch or if you’re going to dare to run with the big dogs. If they don’t, you now have to deal with the consequences of your actions and they are harsh and brutal and, frankly, in the eyes of the person you hurt, you ain’t worth shit and you never were and other things along those lines.

    That’s just more salt in the wound… and the wound didn’t have to be there at all.

  5. rgonaut says:

    My prediction is that once he stews for awhile he will try very hard to come back to you.

  6. Keith says:

    Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

    • rougedmount says:

      there is no fury – there is no revenge plot – there is really no upset – other than at myself … and even then I am pretty much letting it go…we all make mistakes. Mine was trusting someone who I thought deserved it, and he didn’t. I made assumptions that being a ‘nice guy’ meant that he would be grateful for inclusion in my life. I was wrong. His fault lay in lying, mine was in believing someone. I would much rather have my issue than his.

      • sebhai says:

        He is certainly a bad boy now…

      • rougedmount says:

        he had no idea what he could have had in me – he will always be viewed as he is and very few will be interested. i, on the other hand…have no issues in gaining any type of attention I choose.

    • sebhai says:

      Be more wary about the man scorned…

  7. Jayne says:

    Oh my God – You had a deeper experience than I for sure but what you say in this is exactly what I felt. Hearing you say so many reasoning conclusions has given me some sort of affirmation to what I thought but couldn’t share. The second to last paragraph resonates – other statements do too but this one enlightens a recent realization regarding high expectations for a person’s character when a relationship goes awry or bad. I have always thought that when someone is hurting and you are part of it, you try to heal the situation. You gather your courage, your bare, raw nerve and you face it. You face it whether you are alone or together with another. You heal it or begin the healing. Cowardly behavior and hiding in the midst of my own hurt is reprehensible and unforgiveable especially when the hurt isn’t hidden and still ignored. We all learn at different levels and that includes me. I still see that behavior as the lowest of cowardly lows besides being cruel. All you can do is keep them out of your life. I will say that I am better at recognizing certain qualities in men. I notice these qualities in the minds of men that I didn’t see before. (now that I’ve said that, I better not have jinxed myself ) I just picked a couple wrong men that’s all. I expect a great deal more from women than I do men. Women have a sense of understanding emotions because we live with them. Am I biased? Yes I am. You gave me some insight into my own experiences. Thank you. They were good to hear. I’ve been thinking about this because I have to own my own hurt and when things hurt badly, I need to understand so I can move beyond the hurt. What it comes down to is this: I want a man to believe in me more than the fear within him. This does take remarkable courage and a hell of a lot of guts because sometimes you need to speak of things that must be said but it could also hurt the person or cause you to lose them BUT the person who can do this is one who deserves everything I have to give as a loyal friend or devoted love. You touched a nerve or you opened a vein : ) Either way, it’s all good now.

    • rougedmount says:

      the fact that you were able to gain insight and clarity from my formation of this experience, makes me pleased I was able to write about it and share it.

      • Jayne says:

        Sometimes the greatest battles in my head have to do with reconciling the hurt from poor, cowardly or ignorant behavior with my own beliefs or standards. We all can’t be the same and I believe that being aware and empathetic that we all have our own path is the higher road to take. It’s very hard in situations like yours. You stirred heavy thoughts I’ve had about many things. thanks, J

  8. Pingback: The Reality of a First Affair | Kdaddy23's Blog

  9. Wow, so this is about an affair!? Sounds ghastly.

    • rougedmount says:

      hence the title ‘The reality of his first affair’

      • People have such different values. According to nation too. In France it’s quite normal to have an affair. Quite honestly most of what you wrote here I don’t connect with. There’s no debate really. I’m just surprised you adhere to such conservative views.

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