the unsent reply

you were irresponsible and immature in your actions

Speaking about being guilt ridden and concerned

claiming to have not been ready for an affair

but you represented otherwise, didn’t you?

which was a horribly dishonest misrepresentation

you can not ask for communication from me

and expect me to forget how you have acted

you may not have intended to harm me

but manslaughter and murder have a commonality 

the victim is always left irrevocably dead 

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15 Responses to the unsent reply

  1. silkred says:

    this feels sad – last time I was here you felt joyful – I am sorry to find you this way and wish you peace and a little time to be calm within you…

  2. JWo says:

    I have been on both ends of this scenario, so I know how you feel and neither is a good feeling.

    Having gone through the same roller coaster he is currently riding, it’s amazing how intuitive you were about how he would feel. I’d say maybe that scared him, but it most likely the feelings of guilt you have mentioned.

    Hang in there…

    • rougedmount says:

      i just understood him – he resonated inside of me and that doesnt happen often – its why his betrayal was so shocking and hurt so badly – i had no time to brace myself before i was blindsided

  3. oceanswater says:

    This happens more than I’d care to say…

  4. ismeisreallyme says:

    the strength at which you are handling being blindsided is inspiring and indicative of how much you’ve grown in yourself. you understand/understood him because not only are you intuitive but it was also that *connection* that is rare at the beginning. as silkred said above, sending you wishes of finding peace. soon.

    • rougedmount says:

      many thanks…i think my heart is the middle east..no real place for peace

      • ismeisreallyme says:

        hmm i know what you mean. when “he” and i end as lovers, i’m confident i won’t be able to do it again. my heart is not capable of handling what i know is coming when we do end. if even in the way we hope-where we can look back fondly as good friends, formerly lovers.

  5. Mark Baron says:

    Those last lines are insanely powerful. And wickedly true.

  6. kdaddy23 says:

    Having an affair always looks good on paper… and then the truth hits you like a runaway truck, that “Oh, shit!” moment when you learn that you actually couldn’t do all that shit you told someone you could do. And the thing is that if you’ve never had an affair before, you really have no fucking idea how to do it or, importantly, how you’re gonna feel after you consummate the affair. You then have that very severe moment of clarity that you didn’t have before the fact and you realize that, oh, shit, I don’t have what it takes to see this through!

    It happens and I don’t know about anyone else, but I always expect it to happen just as I know that it can happen to the most experienced of us in these things. There’s a reason why when we start an affair, we have that weird sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop, that this is just too good to be true, and other such feelings. And those feelings are never to be ignored because a lot of us know that at some point, that other shoe is going to drop but we just don’t know when it will.

    So when it does – and even if it’s the day after – well, I know that it hurts like a motherfucker… but I’m not all that surprised by it. One can say this is a matter of trust or faith or some other intangible things. I’ve never felt betrayed and I’ve never been blindsided by someone’s inability to deal with the situation – and, really, even if it’s not their first time, I don’t ever expect anyone to deal with it – but I can hope… but I also know that hope means nothing to the painful truth that will emerge.

    Was he immature and irresponsible? I dunno about that although it seems clear to me at this point that he was unprepared and actually rather clueless about a few things and if you’re dealing with someone who has actually never had an affair before, um, how is it possible for them to know what could go wrong other than a few obvious things? I would say – and because I’ve had too many experiences like this – that if he hadn’t said anything to you about how he was feeling after the fact and, yeah, admitting abject failure to you, THAT would have been immature and irresponsible. I know it’s hard to take solace behind the fact that he did admit his lack of vision in this… but he could have remained silent and just left you wondering about things – and a lot of people go this route and, yeah, to me, that’s being immature and irresponsible.

    So… where do we go from here? Are you gonna assume the fetal position now? Start kicking yourself in the ass about having made some unspeakable mistake or other such thoughts? Or are you gonna accept that it is what it is, that it’s happened before and that it will happen again so there’s no need to curl up in a ball and start feeling sorry about shit. Perhaps you feel that you failed because you believed in what he said, that it felt right, etc., and then – POW – you got bitchslapped and, oddly, you didn’t even see it coming? Yep, I know the feeling – been there way too many times. But, yeah, I have the utter gall to challenge you to not curl up into the fetal position, to accept that this is just another one of life’s failures that you will experience and there’s no way you’re ever going to avoid them and that unlike a lot of other men and women out there, you did have a chance to be happy, if – and as Luther Vandross said – only for one night.

    I could say so much more about this but I won’t except to say to you to get your thumb out of your mouth and start looking toward the next opportunity and DO NOT let yourself fall back into this rut you’ve been struggling to get out of for so long.

    • rougedmount says:

      my dear man – it is far too late as i have already fallen and been shattered

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I don’t believe that… and you shouldn’t either. Yep, it’s time to pick up the pieces – again – and you won’t have to do it all by yourself, either.

        So, my dear woman, get on your feet, let’s get the pieces back together and continue along the path we both know you must walk… and because the alternatives are seriously unattractive and a lot worse than what you’re feeling now.

        Get on your feet, Rouged; take my hand – and the hands of your friends here – and get the fuck back up.

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