limited relationship

So many men are scared to death of emotions.  Told from the time they are little to “be a man”, “don’t cry”, “be strong”.  So many men grow up completely incapable of discussing emotions, and scared to death when emotions are displayed openly or are reciprocated. I realize not all are like that. Some learn through their parents, past lovers, or even a spouse, that emotions are not to be feared, but embraced, as they are the source of joy and happiness in life.  Of course they are also the source of pain and suffering, but you have to take the bad with the good, don’t you?

 

Men are afraid a woman is going to go bat shit crazy and ruin everything, just because she believes the crap he tells her, and ends up emotionally investing in him and had the gall to return his emotional outpouring. I am not looking for a fucking saviour or replacement spouse. An affair by its very nature is a LIMITED relationship even if you have emotional context. What is so fucking hard to understand about that? Inexperienced men that are uncomfortable with any emotion that you display become panicked.  Reality evokes an instinct to flee, run and hide.  Because it scares them to death.   

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23 Responses to limited relationship

  1. dragonfly918 says:

    You can try what I did and set up a verbal contract that states “within the boundaries and confines of this affair, where you and I are both married, and that will never change, we are free to express any emotion, thought, opinion.” This might free you up from the fears of this sort of irrational behavior. Thing is, it can backfire big time if either one falls in love. The contract can be renegotiated, as I had to with mine, but it works best if there is no overt emotional involvement. Unfortunately, being free to express yourself freely opens you up for that. It’s a razors edge. Also a devils bargain.

    I’m absolutely no help whatsoever. 😝

    • rougedmount says:

      we were supposed to be honest – he was aware of the risks rewards, i advised him of how it would feel in case he had misconceptions and he chose to stab me in the back anyway

  2. secretlyfab says:

    It takes time to coax a guy to express his emotions, especially if he grew up with parents who are not expressive as well.

  3. nottooold2 says:

    Please remember the inverse is also true. That is; woman are “so open” because they have been told from the time they were little that it is acceptable to feel AND express their emotions.
    It’s not a bad thing either way, it just IS. There are reasons for these “roles”. They maintain some semblance of balance between men and women. We need each other by design like equal weights on a scale. Just my opinion. Love your writing and your topics. 🙂

    • rougedmount says:

      i don’t share – i know exactly why men don’t as i was taught to fear and mistrust it. when i do share – its a big deal. unfortunately there will always be those in the world who abuse you, use you and throw you away

      • nottooold2 says:

        Your point if valid on many levels. Not on all. Getting involved with a married man is inherently risky to your heart and feelings. We can care for you deeply, but when push comes to shove…well, I’m sure you know.
        I was the man on the other side of what you wrote about and it tore me up to hurt her even though (like you) she would never believe that to be true. Denying anything was real is her way of distancing herself emotionally. Believing I “used” her is what she needs to believe in order for it all to make sense. It becomes very complicated and I don’t begrudge her any means of coping. As someone else’s “ass-hole” man, I am sorry for what you are going through. For the record, I still care for her deeply as a person not just a vagina.
        Shit, that was damn near a friggin’ post…. 🙂

      • rougedmount says:

        the reality is when you do not take someone elses emotional response into consideration – you are by the very nature of its definition, using them. ending any relationship is hard and can cause pain, but there is an ethical way to do it. people can accept an ending, when it is done with Grace and Kindness instead of painted with platitudes that fall like the lies of a thousand acidic raindrops over fragile skin thats been burned.

      • nottooold2 says:

        You are absolutely right on that one because perception IS reality.
        The hard thing about being “Me” is that any reason given is heard as an excuse or a “platitude”. It’s a no win situation because “you” are hurt and trying to make sense of a painful situation. Does that make any sense?

      • rougedmount says:

        everyone is different. giving a ‘reason’ IS giving an excuse..it’s the same thing…a reason is different than an explanation of emotional context. my pain is my own but it does not mean that i can not recognize it in someone else when faced with the reality of their choices in how they are struggling with it.

      • nottooold2 says:

        Thank you for spending so much time explaining this for me. You have been a huge help and I look forward to your future posts. Take care. 🙂

      • nottooold2 says:

        With that said, there is still Bullshit. Some men thrive on BS and do in fact use people. To be blunt, so do some women.
        I took offense to the generalization because it is still so fresh. I can’t change her feelings even though they are 180 degrees out of phase with the reality of how I feel.

      • rougedmount says:

        if you have ever witnessed a catastrophic accident you will know that the truth is this: people save themselves first. Then once they are aware they are safe, some people will deliberately put themselves back into harms way, in order to save others. Other people become frozen and unable to help others, once they are safely away. Human nature dictates that when we are in pain, when we are emotionally battered, that we save our self in whichever manner we can. In some extreme instances, it can cause a personality to fracture. In the case of failed relationships, it can present itself in a myriad of ways, but primarily it involves self preservation at any cost and then allowing the truths you were unable to hear, slowly inside, so you can control the flow and not be washed away from the pressure.
        yes there is bullshit, some people thrive on drama or lies. some people are incapable of self awareness. they are no better or worse than others..its just who they are and why their partners have to be so careful when deciding to stay with someone who is like this.

      • nottooold2 says:

        Again, great point. We cannot save anyone if we are not first safe. Some of us tend to be the one that takes control, barking orders at the “gawkers” in a catastrophe (car accident, etc) and just doing what needs to be done never understanding why others simply watch or worse, run.

      • rougedmount says:

        i see big picture, i keep focus and i create calmness out of chaos. always have. i don’t fall apart until everyone elses needs are met. no one has ever cared at what price my control costs. no one has ever thought to protect me instead. i take all the damage and people say its because i’m so good at it…it’s not hard to become good at something when you have no choice.

      • nottooold2 says:

        So you understand what I mean and have heard this before (as I have). “It’s just who you are. You are ‘that’ person.”

      • nottooold2 says:

        Who saves the savior? Right?

      • rougedmount says:

        no one ever fucking does…they die alone and are forgotten

      • nottooold2 says:

        Meh, I don’t believe that. Not forgotten. That is the bitterness speaking.
        But as one myself, a little break every now and then would be a welcome respite. 🙂

      • sebhai says:

        I’m afraid we’re all die alone eventually not forgotten but alone…I am done with being a savior to some men,their seem to be always on self destructive mode most of the time…

  4. Exit 4A says:

    My long-time, now ex-, lover openly displayed his emotions and I was quite literally taken aback. We often went to movies together and he wept at several of them. At first I thought it a bit odd (stereotypical me), then came to see it as quite endearing. Now he and I are in litigation against one another, and I wish he wasn’t so angry. His whole being is skewed towards hurting me.

    I guess you can’t have it both ways, huh?

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