the ex lover update

The ex-lover, man of my spirit, perfect sexual mate of my body. He contacted me 7 months after I asked him to leave me alone. I did not reply and he emailed again, 7 months after that. I recently met him again to get over my extreme reactions whenever I heard from him and was overcome with every single emotion and reaction to him as if no time had elapsed since the last time I had seen him. This man is as physically beautiful as I remembered. When I am in his presence, every cell in my body screams for me to be physical with him. It feels like a biological imperative and I have never before had such an overwhelming sexual response to someone.

The other woman, I believed he had started seeing, was in fact his grown daughter who looks exactly like him, who found and met him for the first time just  after I ended things with him. They spend tons of time together and he makes the effort to be in her life. His evolving relationship with her, trying to mend her broken past to his own, has made him grow this last year in ways he never thought about. I can hear it in how he speaks about her and how he is reflecting on his past actions and behaviours. He is emailing me and trying to maintain contact with me. He is tentative and cautious, and very much leaving me the one in the drivers seat, as to what I may want from him.

Considering our past, I know that to be with him would both break my heart again and expose me to being in a relationship with someone who I have reservations about. I don’t think I can give him a 2nd chance. As much as he is my physical mate, I don’t know if I could ever go down that road again and trust him. He is used to running away to solve issues with women and he struggles with communication. He is working on both of those things because of his daughter, as it adds an element of a loving relationship with a woman who he is not sexual with. It’s making him grow up and mature. I just don;t think I can be the one to stand by him while he figures himself out.

He would like to be back in my life. I am sure that he would like to resume a sexual relationship with me. He has missed me even though he has spent so much time in learning how to be a friend/father figure. If I allowed him into a space in my life, it would mean living with constant worry about his actions and what he was doing while out of my sight and I can not live that way. Part of me thinks that taking him back into my bed to provide a sexual outlet whenever I chose, may be an option. But how could I let him into my body and keep him out of my head and heart?

I don’t think I could. Not sure if I should try. It’s impossible to think about giving up that kind of sexual connection but I did it once and I know I can stay away if I want to.  Besides I am not comfortable with the idea of multiple partners, not by him, not by myself. It would be completely different if I was single, but because I am still married, my actions do have repercussions because there is still a sexual relationship, limited though it may be, with my spouse who believes I should be celibate because he wishes it so and I can not risk a sexual infection of any kind and be caught having an affair.

I can’t lie and say that I am not considering a sexual relationship with him. Of course, condom usage 100% of the time and have all contact be on my terms. I know I could call him whenever I needed to and he would be available to perform sexually. But what price would I pay emotionally for physical satiation? It might be an easier choice to make if it weren’t for the other men who are also in my life right now. Men who are vastly different than he is and who’s company I enjoy immensely. Men who I trust beyond any measure of doubt.

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One Response to the ex lover update

  1. dragonfly918 says:

    This is the bottom line: you say you cannot have a sexual relationship without emotional connection, but that very thing is what is killing you now. If you reconnect sexually–even emotionally–again with this guy, your heart will be torn apart. Take it from someone who just spent the last 8 months emotionally devastated over a man who is not available.

    It’s not worth the pain.

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