spouse update

My spouse has continued to try as much as he is capable. But he has left the effort too long and so even though I can see what he is doing, and really do appreciate it, nothing he does touches my heart. It’s not that I am angry with him or fail to forgive him – that’s simply not the case. He pushed me away for so long, that I left him inside of my mind and heart. He doesn’t see my absence for what it is because we still live together. But every time he refuses to talk to me and share his life beyond milk and mail, it’s a confirmation that his actions are never going to be what I need.

Sexually we are more active than we have been in years. And by more active I mean every 4-6 weeks. I have learned the fine art of teasing him, comparing his penis size to that of the dildos and vibrators, which are used 100% of the time, before he is allowed to finish inside of me. I have completely refused to give him oral in the last 2 years with the exception of once, when I forgot. He has his faults and flaws, Lord knows we all do, but he is not a bad person at all. It’s not his fault he can’t be the type of person I need. He just can’t be open and intimate. He can’t express himself in any form.

There really isn’t much to say, beyond the fact that we are living apart for the next 12 weeks and before he left, we had sex twice in 1 day and once the next morning, all at his initiation. He was more vocal than he has ever been in bed, in regards to the size of the dildo he is fucking me with and his desire to be inside of me afterwards. My comments of spending the summer being sexually serviced by someone else, aroused him. He has never gone on a sexual binge like he did, in the history of our marriage. The more I realized what was happening, the more amazed I was. My complete honestly about the fact I was going to be with another man, was inspiring him to place his mark on me before he left. Interesting information. I wonder how I am going to process it and deal with things once he comes home.

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4 Responses to spouse update

  1. oceanswater says:

    I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, but you know from the few posts you’ve read on my blog that I am going through something similar. Both my spouse and my lover are away right now, though my spouse only for a 5 day offsite. And guess who I am thinking of? Yep, my lover. I have not thought once about my spouse. He also is not a mean and nasty guy, but something changed long time ago and so I stay in the marriage… 1/2 way at least 🙂

  2. dragonfly918 says:

    I think it’s fantastic that you told your spouse that you were going to be stepping out. His reaction is very typical. You have planted the seed that he can lose you (whatever that means to him), so he indeed wanted to show you he’s still in the “running” so to speak.

    Men want to win, however that shows up. He’s “won” you for years–you’ve stayed around even after being completely ignored–and now there’s a chance another man will “win” you. That’s gotta be fucking him up. Brilliant! *sends you a cyber high-five*

  3. True friends guide you on the path towards happiness.

    If you ask some people on the path where happiness is, some will attack you for even daring to ask, because they are even more lost than you are but are too arrogant or upset to admit it, or maybe they’ve stopped believing there is a way to get there. Fortunately, it is sometimes possible, depending on your sense of determination, for them to chase you in the right direction.

    Some people will thankfully know the direction, and will point to an impossibly huge, bottomless chasm. They’ll say, “you have to jump over it”, and get impatient or frustrated if you doubt them. But you don’t see them jumping over it either. Still, depending on your determination, you can edge closer and closer.

    And very occasionally, you will find someone who will say, “I believe it is that way,” and they’ll point at the bottomless chasm, but they’ll continue, “and I believe there are some steps down; maybe we can find them together, as I’m going that way myself and I’m a bit scared”. And they will offer their hand, and go there with you.

    A true friend will go there with you. To be a true friend to someone, you have to go down the scary fucking pit.

  4. And find the steps down together, and back up the other side.

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