My spouse has continued to try as much as he is capable. But he has left the effort too long and so even though I can see what he is doing, and really do appreciate it, nothing he does touches my heart. It’s not that I am angry with him or fail to forgive him – that’s simply not the case. He pushed me away for so long, that I left him inside of my mind and heart. He doesn’t see my absence for what it is because we still live together. But every time he refuses to talk to me and share his life beyond milk and mail, it’s a confirmation that his actions are never going to be what I need.
Sexually we are more active than we have been in years. And by more active I mean every 4-6 weeks. I have learned the fine art of teasing him, comparing his penis size to that of the dildos and vibrators, which are used 100% of the time, before he is allowed to finish inside of me. I have completely refused to give him oral in the last 2 years with the exception of once, when I forgot. He has his faults and flaws, Lord knows we all do, but he is not a bad person at all. It’s not his fault he can’t be the type of person I need. He just can’t be open and intimate. He can’t express himself in any form.
There really isn’t much to say, beyond the fact that we are living apart for the next 12 weeks and before he left, we had sex twice in 1 day and once the next morning, all at his initiation. He was more vocal than he has ever been in bed, in regards to the size of the dildo he is fucking me with and his desire to be inside of me afterwards. My comments of spending the summer being sexually serviced by someone else, aroused him. He has never gone on a sexual binge like he did, in the history of our marriage. The more I realized what was happening, the more amazed I was. My complete honestly about the fact I was going to be with another man, was inspiring him to place his mark on me before he left. Interesting information. I wonder how I am going to process it and deal with things once he comes home.