multiple partners

the fears with women in allowing a relationship to develop where there are multiple partners are focused on the competitive nature of resource management and priority placement in your partners affections. when it kicks in and there is fear of being left for a younger, newer, tighter version of who you used to be, it creates drama. it’s the primary reason that women do not want to share their partners willingly. they don’t believe their partner has the ability to return to them with 100% accuracy or without thoughts of his other sexual partners running visually through his head.

the basic premise is men have relationships to get sex..women have sex to secure relationships.

fundamental differences between the sexes stem from this very ideal. we are wired differently. when you have a woman who is eager to engage in multiple partners, i can guarantee you that she has had some psychological trauma in her past that has caused her to have ‘issues’. how many issues she has is dependent on her personal situation. the point is she is damaged and will eventually act out from it in risky behaviors or she will seek help to heal herself.

for a man, sex is about orgasm. he either wants his own or wants the powerful feeling of giving one. if he can obtain sex easily he will maintain the relationship at the level the woman is looking to engage in. how much of a connection she wants is related to her own sense of self worth.

it is very easy for a man to use that to his advantage and I have nothing against it because it’s a lesson women learn at a very young age. Sex is more than just sex for many people and it is also much less than some people imagine it to be. the imbalance of the experience is what people try and rectify by searching for someone who makes them feel valued in the process and why most women who do agree to sex with multiple partners in an open relationship, eventually want to settle down and partner up.

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32 Responses to multiple partners

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Um… I’m not sure I totally agree with all of this and I wouldn’t say definitively that a woman who wants multiple partners is always damaged and that’s because I’ve met so many women who want this who have said, “Fuck it, you only live once, right?”

    I don’t know about other guys, Rouged, but sex isn’t just about having an orgams or giving one – it is nice, though, ain’t gonna lie about that. But there’s that intimacy that sex brings to the table that brings along things that there are no words for when trying to describe it and while I will admit that it can rather easy to take advantage of women in this way, no, that’s not always the case. So many women seem to believe that men don’t understand the concept of love – but we do understand it but since we’re so different in our mindsets about that, yeah, all people think we’re about is the sex and nothing but the sex. We have that sense of belonging, that sense of being needed and wanted – we’re not as ‘vocal’ about is as women are.

    But one can look at this in this way: It’s a trade-off. We – men – know that women are more relationship-minded than we are and that they can and will use the lure of sex to make a relationship happen so men get what they want – a single source of sex ’cause it’s a bitch to always have to go looking for it – and women get the security of a relationship that she wants and needs… right up to the point where one or both of them realize that they need more sex – and more of those deep, indescribable moment of intimacy – that a single sexual partner would be hard-pressed to provide. Whether it becomes cheating or just a matter of opening the relationship to whatever degree in order to facilitate things, having multiple sexual partners is only a bad thing if one believes such a thing should never happen in the first place or the situation isn’t managed properly.

    I’m not gonna say that some women crave this because they have a reason to validate their self-worth or to even reestablish it because someone in her past totally trashed it for her. Still, for some women, this isn’t the answer to salvation and can create more problems than it solves; for some, it’s just what the doctor ordered because it’s more than just being about the sex, which is superficial and the only thing an observer would pay attention to. It’s about liberating one’s self from the angst women have always faced about being a slave to one man and his lust, having her own desires utterly ignored because current dogma says she’s supposed to ignore them and/or focus them on one man only. For them, it says, “I know what I want and what I need to make me happy so I’m gonna get mine and whoever doesn’t like it can kiss my cute ass…”

    This isn’t to say that she may not be damaged; again, whenever you attempt to have a relationship and try to make it last, people can seriously fuck each other up and in so many ways it ain’t close to being funny; some manage to recover from this occupational hazard, some never do (because they don’t know how to recover). It’s believed that multiple partners is just a desire that men have because our DNA is wired for us to get all the pussy we can… but that’s not the whole truth of it because if it was, there wouldn’t be women who our society (in particular) that wind up being labeled as sluts. Whether they’re dealing with a runaway biological clock or they’re addicted to the physical and emotional things that sex – and a lot of sex – can bring to the table, nah, we’re not the only ones who think having multiple partners is a bad thing to pursue.

    Some women, as well as men, realize that’s there’s a very serious flaw in the one man/one woman methodology – again, no one person can provide EVERYTHING their partner might want and so now more is needed BUT the relationship is sound and good and not something to be tossed away, which is where negotiated infidelity comes into play. Some engage in this for their own “selfish” needs while some engage in this because what’s good for them will ultimately be good for the relationship; men know that the happier we can make our woman, the better it’s gonna be for us and some of us have “evolved” to the point – and because we love them so much – that her having multiple partners actually makes sense because it is so illogically stupid for us to think that we’re the only man who’s capable of giving her sexual pleasure. Yes, shit can get fucked up in so many ways when it comes to this but this, too, is an occupational hazard.

    That ‘basic premise’ you mentioned? I’m of a mind that we have relationships to get sex because women are conditioned to not have sex unless they’re in a relationship but they quickly learn that if they don’t have sex to secure the relationship, they’re not gonna have one… and now a vicious cycle of behavior gets started and one that persists today… but one that a lot more women are doing their best to break. Perhaps you, yourself, were told growing up to never have sex with someone (a) you didn’t love or (b) didn’t plan to be with for the rest of your life; I know a lot of young girls were told this growing up. You give it up to guys and none of them are your boyfriend, then you’re a slut, right? No one stops to think that you want to give it up because it feels so fucking good and in so many ways and being in a relationship will actually make damned sure that you will never give it up like this again – the party’s over, baby girl, and your shit is now on lockdown until death do you part… or you have a good divorce lawyer.

    What, do you really believe that one man – and one that has his own thoughts about these things – is ever and seriously be all that you will ever need until the day you die? Do you really believe that regardless of the motivation that you should limit yourself to just one sexual partner and more so when the one you have is so dysfunctional? Fuck, do you believe that sex and relationships HAVE to go together? And if you do, don’t you know by now that it’s a lie?

    One can blame emotional and psychological damage for a woman’s need/desire/whatever for multiple partners and while it can be true, it’s a cop-out; it’s an excuse that makes sense and can be used when a woman – and for whatever reason works for her – wants to have multiple partners because she knows, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that one partner just ain’t gonna fucking cut the mustard and the real problem is that monogamy strictly prohibits such behavior and that’s because the best way to make babies is to stick to one partner and then hope he can do his fucking job and keep you popping out babies like toast from a toaster.

    But we also know that women have evolved from this ancient mindset and behavior and, damn it, they want all they can get and if takes multiple partners, so be it. Women are more empowered than ever before and when women flex their muscles in this, don’t we tend to look upon them badly and as if they are not doing their duty as proscribed in the ancient texts? This double standard – it’s okay for men to have multiple partners but not okay for women – is getting kicked to the curb big time because women want what they want just as much as men do and, shit yeah, the more the merrier because at the end of any day, it’s not about what society thinks or what its mandates are in this: IT IS ABOUT HER AND WHAT SHE WANTS AND NEEDS.

    And what’s wrong with that?

    • rougedmount says:

      if a woman wants multiple partners..needs them..and has a healthy mindset about it..they should go for it…i think what i was trying to say is that so many women do it from damage as opposed to knowing themselves…and there are men who take advantage of those women

      • ismeisreallyme says:

        I would have to agree with you on this response. I follow another blogger religiously, Kat over at http://www.shackledkat.blogspot.com [Prowling with Kat] and if you read through her entire blog etc. I believe she’s a woman that knows herself and her needs well and “prowls” with her eyes and sometimes sadly, her heart wide open. It was by reading her blog amongst a few others when I started on this journey early on and I realized that as much as I have intense sexual needs and desires, and I “thought” I could handle multiple partners (juggling not in a group). After a few months, and in part because “he” was first and foremost on my mind and in my heart, I realized that it isn’t in my nature. As much as I wanted to be cavalier and enjoy sexual freedom with many, my heart and my mind isn’t cut out for it. Knowing that I chose the path i’m on. Great post as usual. I like the way your writing pushing me to think and reevaluate and continue on.

      • rougedmount says:

        it’s in knowing yourself and which camp you fall into. i am amazed at women who can do it..i support them completely! part of me wishes i could (big part)..but i am wired to take my best pleasure when in a stable traditional type relationship..i respond much more intensely…and since we want to do what pleasures us most…it makes sense for me to find that ‘source’ i can drink my fill from. Like kdaddy said though…because we are all different and some people need the variety..i am not saying that this is for all…just for some..

      • ismeisreallyme says:

        completely agree!

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Well, yeah – that’s almost a given, the nature of the beast and even that depends on what you mean by “a healthy mindset;” that’s like trying to define what “normal” is and while there are society norms for such things, “healthy mindset,” like “normal,” is in the eye of the beholder; if you think your mindset is healthy, then no one else can tell you otherwise.

        See, it’s really about having the need for multiple partners and her going for it… and without looking like a slut in the process in the eyes of others – or even in her own eyes. The good thing is that we – humans – can justify damn near anything we want to do; the bad part is the same as the good part and depending on who you’re talking to.

        If you’re talking to people who are die-hard fans of monogamy, oh, hell, no – the bitch is a slut of the highest order! But if you’re talking to people who believe that the individual’s needs – and those needs that will keep them in their version of normal – trumps the rules of monogamy.

        If my fiancee told me that she needed more lovers – but she didn’t want to dissolve our relationship – I would sit patiently and listen to her reasoning for this because I know for a damned fact that I’m not capable of being EVERYTHING she will ever need in her life. It’s a huge blog to the ego when you realize it but it’s a hard truth and one that monogamy demands you ignore. Anyway…

        I would listen; I would ask important questions; and then I’d very likely say to her, “Okay – who do you have in mind?” Hell, my first wife want multiple lovers because she wanted sex from men who weren’t me – and that wasn’t as bad as it sounded when I first heard it – she just needed something different.

        Like I said, that damaged women will behave like this is a known thing… but it’s still an excuse that’s used so that she can be a “slutty bitch” but with a reason… because who’s gonna believe that she wants multiple partners because it’ll make her deliriously happy? If you wanted multiple partners, wouldn’t someone think there was something wrong with you more than there being something wrong with your relationship?

        Yeah, we take advantage of women – if you act like prey, you will be eaten and fucked – just the way it is and you know it just as much as I do. Is it wrong? Our morals say that it is; morality wants to negate the fact that we – men – are pre-programmed to fuck as many women as we can; it wants to enforce that women have to be ultra-selected about who they give the pussy to and, yeah, it’s all about that baby-making thing – survival of the fittest and all that.

        And, under the rules, “good girls” don’t have a stable of men in their beds – for any reason. I say that if she wants to have multiple partners – and regardless to any reasoning – okay, let’s make it happen and, yes, us dudes can have an ulterior motive in this because if she can do it, we can do it, too.

        Just the nature of the beast; no healthy mindset required in that sense because I know you’re not gonna tell me that a woman doesn’t have the God given right to fuck anyone she needs to fuck and simply because it’s a good thing for her to do?

        But many believe that she doesn’t have that right – and a lot of people who believe that, strangely, are women. I have heard women say, “If I could, I would, but…” followed by morality issues, self-image issues, shit like that because the rules say that, no – Rouged is a married woman and isn’t allowed to have multiple sexual partners and, as such, if the man she’s married to is in anyway unequal to the take, well, them’s the breaks, sweetheart – live with it or get a divorce and try again.

        I know it ain’t just me that thinks there’s something fundamentally wrong with this particular mindset…

    • dragonfly918 says:

      LOVE THIS.. couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you.

  2. oceanswater says:

    I have to say that I have seen both, but I agree mostly with kdaddy.

  3. dragonfly918 says:

    Oh my dear, I have to disagree with your blanket assessment regarding women who have multiple partners have suffered some sort of psychological trauma and has “issues”. That may be true for some, but not for me.

    My personal “issue” is not having had sex for the last 10 years of my marriage and having had only one partner for all my adult life. So yeah, I’m sowing my oats, and don’t care if my sex partners see other women–in fact I encourage it. All of the men I choose, I like as people and are great in bed, but I wouldn’t consider them “boyfriend material .” They are FWB only.

    When I do find a man with whom I choose to be in a serious relationship, even then I will expect him to be open to being in an open relationship. No one man can satisfy me, and I wouldn’t put that burden on him. I would not expect to be the “one and only” either. It IS a terrible burden! It’s a cultural construct that’s very damaging I think.

    I find it sad that so many women are so insecure and sexually repressed that they feel they should be the one and only, or if they want sex outside of their partner they would be considered sluts and a marginalized human being. A human being’s sexuality should NEVER be cause for judgement. Inappropriate behaviors yes, but not their need for multiple partners.

  4. kdaddy23 says:

    Here’s the “problem” with women having multiple partners: Their inability to unlearn everything they’ve ever learned about love, sex, and relationships. If you cannot do this then, no, it’s not gonna work – your heart ain’t gonna be in it because you cannot shake that programming we’ve all been given and where it says we are never, ever, supposed to behave like this: It’s wrong and about as wrong as it gets.

    Rouged would take on every man in her neighborhood if she could… but she can’t unlearn enough stuff so she can learn some new stuff that would allow her to act like a succubus and lay waste to every man stupid enough to fall into her embrace and still maintain her devotion and duty to her family. We are made to believe that doing both is impossible… and it is… if you believe what you’ve been told about this; otherwise, it’s a lie and one of epic proportions and the reason why it’s said that it will never work is because (a) they don’t want it to work for her and (b) no one really knows how to go about doing this the right way and since they don’t, yeah, they usually screw the pooch and not in a good way.

    Sometimes, women really do need to think like a man in some things…

    • rougedmount says:

      lmao..i love the idea of my being a succubus though..part of me thinks this is what men see in me..my potential for it.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        You know damned well that you see it in yourself as well – have you read some of that hot shit you’ve written since I’ve been following you?

        Everyone has the potential whether they believe it or not; it’s whether or not they can unlearn what they have learned so they can learn an entirely new way of doing things… and most people cannot.

        But that brings us to you, doesn’t it? Do you believe you have what it takes to unlearn and relearn? I can tell you, all jokes aside, that if you even think that you don’t, it’ll probably not work very well for you – that’s been my experience and observations in this particular thing.

      • rougedmount says:

        you know as well as i do kdaddy that i could easily allow my physical needs to rule my life and chew through men like cotton candy if i chose to. i also know that doing so would eventually kill a part of my soul. i am not so much about monogamy but sexual honesty with one person who i can explore with. freedom with an anchor. i NEED that love as a base to be sexual from. With the security I get, it creates confidence to be my sexual self. Without it, I tend to keep myself restricted. It’s easy to lose pieces of who i am…i protect myself from that. Casual sex just isn;t okay for me personally…though i would be okay with a semi open type of relationship where I could have other partners..lol. total double standard…unless my partner wanted other men and that would be okay with me. again..back to wanting that emotional connection with a single man and wanting him to have it with me. because of my history,, i could not trust his having a casual sexual relationships with women knowing that the type of man i am attracted to likes having emotional connections with females over males

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Yep, I do know that… but sexual honesty with one person is still a part of being monogamous and, yeah, I’m not surprised that you, like a lot of women, don’t exactly like casual sex – you want and need it to be meaningful and focused just on you and all that usual stuff.

        At the risk of pissing you off, are you telling me that you actually need someone to give you the confidence to be the woman you want to be in this, that you are somehow not self-motivated and even driven in this direction without any outside help?

        You can only lose pieces of yourself if you believe this is gonna happen and if you think the way – and I say this loosely – women tend to think in terms of their self-image, yeah, you’re gonna lose pieces of yourself IF you don’t do this in a monogamous sort of way.

        You can work from an expanded base with one guy who is willing to not only let you do your thing but will join in with you; it gives you that stable base that you require – the anchor you mentioned – and with that in place, everything is now doable and negotiable.

        And, yes, things like trust issues have to be relearned; you cannot and should not make a “new guy” pay for the mistakes others have made with you. Emotional connections… man, is this a smelly pile of stuff. It is my belief that people who eschew emotional connections are damaging themselves. People do it; they’ll engage in all the sex and other casual stuff to their hearts delight but also demand that the emotional stuff remains monogamous… like life – and human nature – is really gonna let you get away with it.

        The right way to deal with this – and this is just my opinion, mind you – is to always be aware that other emotional connects can happen and that it’s not that they will that’s important – it’s how it’s all dealt with that makes all the difference and I will tell you – again with all jokes aside – this isn’t easily done or handled by most people because we are taught and made to believe that being emotionally involved with more than one person is wrong, is always a recipe for disaster, and should never, ever be done or allowed to happen.

        And it’s all bullshit UNLESS you have that ability to unlearn all of this monogamous shit and relearn an entirely different way to love, have sex, and to have relationships. Honey, why do you think so many people fail in this or feel that they cannot do it? You just cannot approach this in a monogamous frame of mind! We are taught not to multitask when it comes to this so a lot of us just can’t do it and understandably so because it’s a motherfucker to keep straight in one’s mind and heart.

        It’s another of those occupational hazards you read me talking about at times. They happen because, um, they’re supposed to when things line up the right way so to act as if it’s not supposed to happen defeats the purpose of experiences love, sex, and relationships in a way that would made prudish people curl up in a ball and suck their thumbs.

        If you get into this, you not only have to relearn a lot of shit, you’d better have a plan and one that’s flexible enough to allow for everyone’s humanity to move around in.

        Sweet Jesus, Joseph, and Mary… anyone can have their cake and eat it and with both hands if they wanted to – you just gotta know how to do it and, nope, conventional think just will not work. You must be fearless, bold, and brave enough to go where many others cannot and will not go because the more limits you place on yourself in this, the more you defeat your own purpose; if you place those same restrictions on someone else, you minimize them; you make them less the person you need them to be to you because you’ve basically castrated their ability to be emotional – period.

        You’ve stuffed them and yourself into a box with limited borders because, um, didn’t you (not you, hon) become enthralled with this guy because of his ability to be emotional and in the way you need him to be? These things can be compartmentalized and kept separate from each other… but if you don’t know how to do it and/or are unwilling to learn how to do it, you’re pretty much right back where you started from – trying to make a monogamous situation better when the rules do not allow for this.

        Now I’m preaching and I beg your forgiveness but, damn, people just really fuck me up with the way they think about this and, even more, how they set themselves up to fail before they even do anything!

      • rougedmount says:

        i ‘get it’ i do..i guess it boils down to the fact that i value an emotional connection over a sexual one…i am willing to give up part of one to succeed in the other. for me..i can’t do both and i do not want sexual success at the failure of personal ones. to me..that’s what it would amount to.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Well, my beloved Rouged, shall we nitpick what “emotional connection” means? I can do that, just like I know it is possible to do both – the two things are interchangeable and not dependent upon one another as we are led to believe. You could, if you chose to, do one, or the other… or both if it pleased you to do so.

        You say you can’t do both and I ask, “Can’t… or won’t?” Not in an offensive way – I’ve read too much of your stuff when you’re pissed off to not want to offend you! You seem to think that sexual success and personal success aren’t a part of the whole – um, darling woman, they are – except the Matrix has you (and a lot of other people) and so you believe they’re two different things that should never intermix with each other.

        And, I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that if you see failure before you take the first step, you have already failed and will do everything in your power to continue to fail… and failure isn’t an option.

        Ever. Now, the question I’d ask that you definitely don’t have to answer is why you think being able to do this constitutes a failure? And, since I’m obviously trying to get you into succubus mode, I’d like for you to think about that – what is it that makes you think that you can’t do both and there’s some failure involved?

        I learned how to be an “expert” in this stuff in ways that would curl your hair… or straighten it if it was already curly. I’m a pretty smart guy, high IQ and all of that… and I had it all wrong before I relearned a lot of shit.

        We all value emotional connections and, you’re damned right a sexual connection is also an emotional connection – but we’ve been hoodwinked to believe otherwise, that we’re not supposed to give in to the emotion of lust and just because we can; good girls don’t do things like that – any of this sounding familiar yet?

        Woman, please. You can’t do both because you don’t know how to and what you said just smacks of the dogma that’s been piled up on women since Day 20 or so, like you’re gonna lose a part of your soul or something if you take a stand and say, “Fuck the rules; I want what the fuck I want and I want all I can handle!” What did Dragonfly say? That women are made to believe that they lose their power or something like this or some major hit to their self-esteem? Well, fucking duh, that’s because this is exactly what “they” want you to think! Wake up, Neo – the Matrix still has you.

        You’d have to learn what I had to learn, to shove aside years of having what amounts to bullshit shoved into your head, strip away the veneer, and look at this in its naked form and if you can do that, then you’ll understand why I’m practically foaming at the mouth over this – and I’m still begging your forgiveness but, great googamooga woman, you just seriously pushed one of my buttons.

        I guess it boils down to the fact that you can, if you wanted to, create as many “emotional connections” as you deem necessary and for whatever reason you need them… but you’re afraid to fail and I do understand that, which is why I’d tell you or anyone else who is even thinking about this that you’d better learn to be fearless in this: This ain’t for the faint of heart or weak of mind and, truly, only the strong will survive in this.

        And unless I’ve been dead wrong about you, uh, you are strong; you fucking have to be to have put up with your marriage for as long as you have been doing and if you can do that, this other thing should be a piece of cake for you.

        Baby girl, you know I ain’t trying to tell you how to handle your bizness – I’m just telling you that you can handle it better than you think you can IF you dare to step into the deep end of the pool.

        I do want you to think about that question I asked that you don’t have to answer, though. Seriously.

      • rougedmount says:

        grin… it boils down to i don;t want to be with a man who needs to be with multiple women..i want him to think other women are attractive etc..but when he thinks of me.. i want him to think that there is no one else he would rather be with.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Um, weren’t we kinda talking more about women having multiple men? This here is an entirely different subject… But, yeah, I get that… And I guess you believe that a man couldn’t do both – or you believe that he should NEVER be able to to both?

        What does that sound like? You gonna tell him, “How dare you act like a man!” You gonna tell him that you should be all he’ll ever need? Gonna tell him what to think and all that and because of what you don’t want?

        If this sounds kinda fucked up, it should. Think about that one for a moment, too, if it pleases you because you just introduced a double standard that I cannot stand any more into this conversation! You (not you) have a real need for multiple partners and set out to make it happen… But you don’t want to be with a man who has a similar need? Where’s the aspirin? Where did I put that bottle of Scotch? Argh!

      • rougedmount says:

        grin – i never said i was rational…giggle

      • dragonfly918 says:

        Haha!! Couldn’t have said it better.

        My motto is: it’s only kinky (weird, uncomfortable) the first time. The first time I had sex with a guy whose name I didnt even know was decidedly weird (at a sex party friends brought me to). DEFINITELY outside my comfort zone to say the least. But afterwards I felt so strangely liberated.

        Listen I am not one to disrespect anyone’s life choices, everyone has their own path and mine is definitely not for everyone. But the biggest thing that stops people from going for what they really want is just fear– of maybe liking it too much and losing one’s mind maybe, like a drug addict. Of losing one’s self-respect. Of being considered a bad mother. These are all valid, but usually unfounded, because it’s you who makes the choices, you who is in charge if your behavior, of how you see yourself and allow others to see you, you who allows or disallows others’ opinions to rule your behavior. You are in charge. P. E. R. I. O. D.

        I am certainly not immune to that small voice that sounds like Mother at her most critical, telling me that I’m just being used, that no one will love me again, that my behavior makes me a worthless human being. And then I mentally give her the finger and tell her to STFU and I go and get treated like a goddess.

        (For myself, I did go a bit hog wild at first, gorging myself like a child who tastes chocolate for the first time. But you settle down, get really picky, because there’s only so much time in the day!)

        Also, yes, sex with emotional connection is the most intense and soul-satisfying there is. There is no comparison. But like I have said before, you don’t always have to have an emotional connection with every meal you eat.

      • rougedmount says:

        i have heard this time and again and i should am really going to try and take it to heart

    • dragonfly918 says:

      A woman can unlearn anything she wants to, if she wants it bad enough. I was raised a “good Catholic girl”, completely overprotected and raised to need a man to take care of me. I never thought that when I first got married that I would be so sexually free, or that I would EVER do the things that I have done. Only hell-bound women did those things. A lot has changed since then, lol, and I’ve had more sex in the last 2 years than in all the years of my marriage.

      I do have to say that none of this happened in a vacuum, and I had a couple of interventions by women who had “lived” their lives, and one in particular that dispelled so many sexual myths and judgements I’d held. It took years, but I am now free of the “American Way” of thinking how women “should” behave. I’ve never been happier, more confident, more powerful.

      And yes, I think very much like a man when it comes to sex!

      • kdaddy23 says:

        The key words are “if she wants it bad enough” and, for some women, therein lies the problem, yes? And it’s not just the “American Way” – monogamy is a global belief for many peoples and cultures which, of course, creates more problem when someone has a need to circumvent their cultural beliefs on top of the mandate to be monogamous.

        Sadly, Americans are still quite prudish on the whole and I’ve had European friends give me the business badly enough to make me angry when they point out that, overall, we have a childish attitude toward sex and relationships.

        Now, for the record, I will say that for some, monogamy is perfect and can provide for all their needs but for others? Wow, it can fuck you up in so many ways that I’ll not get into here on Rouged’s blog – I’ve said a shitload already, right? You need more than what you have and, let’s say, your partner really isn’t at fault here.

        He’s a good lover, good friend, all the stuff that makes relationships work… but you need more and monogamy says, no, Dragonfly, you can’t have any more – settle for only what you already have or get rid of your partner and start all over again… and who really wants to keep doing that?

        Ah, but, there are ways around this mandate… if you are willing to learn them, right? You can have your cake and eat it, too, and without sacrificing your relationship in the process. But now we’re back to the key words in your comment, right? That transition might take years… or it might take less time, depending on the woman (in this case) and how much she wants to not only do this but make it work all the way around.

        Casual sex isn’t meaningless sex… because it’s sex and even if it’s only “meaning” is that you need to get laid… but it’s the one thing someone would have to unlearn about sex – it doesn’t have to have some deep spiritual meaning but if it does, okay, that works, too; otherwise, you get laid as often as you can and just because it makes you feel good and what makes you feel good can only be a good thing for your “main” relationship.

        At the end of the day, I see it like this: If you need to be fucked and your partner ain’t up to the task, what are you supposed to do, suffer with your need when it’s possible for that not to happen?

        Yeah, I know all about the “protect the pussy” thing that’s ingrained into us… but we don’t always want the pussy to make babies, do we? That all by itself is some interesting psychology…

      • dragonfly918 says:

        There is an ebook I purchased called “Women and Infidelity” about this exact thing. The author posits that because of the cultural restrictions against straying, many women become bored with their partner, or because of householde caretaking and children etc., they lose their attraction for their partners because, very simply put–she goes into more detail–they become “one of the children”. So approximately every 7-10 years, both women and men become sexually discontented, and divorce is rampant. I have personally seen it happen. In my own case, my husband became my “child” pretty much within the first 5 years of my marriage, and I was discontented by 10 years. I stayed another 20 because I believed (read: was brainwashed) in monogamy and marriage being “forever.” And that, hope springs eternal, things would change. The only thing that changed was me, when I’d decided that I was going to end up dead without having lived.

        We Americans do indeed have a very childish attitude toward sex and relationships, made worse by the media and religious beliefs. My “interventionist” is from West Africa and she set me straight, so to speak, lol, about what it is to be a “real woman”, and how a woman must know herself, make her own decisions, and know what she wants from her life. And that being a “slut” is only a state of mind, and how she perceives herself.The only reason I believed is because I saw how she lived her life, and saw it was possible. I wanted that life, and I wanted it more than a Cinderella marriage, to be happy.

        Another point that the author of the book makes, regarding “slutty” behavior, is that women are taught that in sex, women always “give something up”, like their power, and their “market value” is reduced, the more sexual partners she has. It is all cultural conditioning. Women don’t give up anything they don’t consent to, even unconsciously. No one takes anything away that isn’t given, even if resentfully. (I’m talking women not girls) This is how I see myself. All the sex partners I have GIVE ME something, and I definitely do not lose any power, nor does any man have any power over me.

        It’s also an advantage to be my age, because I don’t want the same things I did in my 20s and 30s, and I do know what I do want. I also have zero tolerance for bullshit and bad sex, and I’m not interested in anyone’s drama. So that leaves lots of room for fantastic fun!

        Thanks you Rougedmont and you kdaddy, for some stimulating commentary and conversation.

      • rougedmount says:

        your comment here has made my mind turn. all i can think of is it’s powerful and screams it’s truth at me. i wonder where it will lead me

      • dragonfly918 says:

        I don’t know what part of my comment stimulated your imagination, but I’m glad. And if you are interested in reading the ebook, I am happy to send it to you.

  5. larryarcher says:

    Wow some thread, I had to go back and check the date to be sure I wasn’t reading some post from a year ago. You guys have jumped on this like a duck on a June bug.

    Kdaddy and I agree on a lot of things we’ve posted about and so most of what he said, I would have said. I somewhat agree with the statement that nympho’s have had something happen to them in the past but I’ve known a lot of women who just like to F&S and the more the merrier.

    From the caveman/woman/person days the man was out killing things and bringing home food while the woman swept out the cave and raised the rugrats. I think that has been bred into our nature. Men were driven to insure the race didn’t die out and so was out screwing everything that would stand still long enough. Women couldn’t do this as they could only create one offspring every 9 months while us guys could knock up the whole neighborhood in 9 months. I firmly believe that much of how we act was originally set in stone thousands of years ago.

    As swingers we have sex with people that we just met an hour ago (I know I’m slow) and that’s not hard for a guy because our little buddy told us to do it. For a woman, it’s often difficult to have sex with someone that you don’t have any emotional feelings for because that’s how we are raised. Guys are praised if they are a stud but women are sluts if they fuck around. But that’s just the church talking. It’s interesting to watch a new couple change over time and the guy will mellow out while the woman will become more sexually adventuresome as she realizes that sex feels good and you can have sex for pleasure just like a guy does. Still as much as the guys want all the ladies to be nympho’s, only a smaller percentage will constantly want multiple partners. It’s kind of like the difference between a Northern girl and a Southern girl, the Northern girl says “You can.” but the Southern girls says “You all can.” LOL

  6. I found myself disagreeing with a number of the points in this post, but then being utterly fascinated by the conversations happening within the comment section. lol

    It’s as if this blog posting was a catalyst to get people critically thinking on the subject, either pro, against, or whatever and then justify their position. I’m truly impressed by the level of intelligent adult discussion here and I applaud every single one of you for it.

    Cheers!
    J.

    • rougedmount says:

      and having that kind of moment where you are triggered to think about and voice your opinion is so valuable for personal growth. it helps make people see things from a different perspective and i truly cherish that. I am glad you did as well.

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