Separately together

Do you have any idea how long it takes me to open up my authentic self to someone?

I keep myself hidden and secreted away in a corner of the world not meant for people to find out about. Exposure, emotional or in a general sense of letting someone into your life, on a real basis, does not happen easily for me. I struggle against my past and it’s prevented me from a lot, but it’s protected me as well and I covet my solitude.

It makes me feel nauseous when people get a glimpse inside the public façade. I don’t like it. At all. It makes me feel confrontational and combative in ways that I know stem from childhood. It doesn’t matter that I understand them and can adjust my reaction; inside I am churning with the need to fight as fleeing was never an option for me.

I have over shared. I have been guilty of thinking that I was protected simply because I didn’t post personal pictures, with the exception of my lips. I feel like a child who has been caught with pie on their face, denying that they ate any. Naivety is an interesting thing to experience as it makes you feel unprepared and uneducated, neither of which I like especially when used in relation to how I view myself.

The advantage to this entire thing is that I have learned something. I have suffered from hubris. The idea that people had invested personal time to read things I had written acted like a powerful intoxication for me. I was being listened to and that is something that does not occur in my real life and it’s something I stopped fighting for. This place was my voice and allowed me the safety of being allowed to live my life in neutral. I need the neutral considering the conflict I experience as a result of a multi situational life progressing at a rapid pace.

Many times, things are beyond my control and my reaction to them must be stable, proper and mitigated. I can not afford to lose it because it would impact my family, my children, negatively. I keep rigid control of myself because of this and only allow my true and passionate nature to come out in writing or in the bedroom. It’s been my survival method for me entire life and it shall continue until I can live an authentic life. Right now, paper and person have to remain distinctly separate. The two worlds can not blend. I can not risk the consequences, if they do.

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12 Responses to Separately together

  1. ismeisreallyme says:

    Complicit Grace and I were just exchanging mail/comments about one’s authentic self and true vulnerability, based on Brene Brown’s TedTalks and her books, so your posts timing is no coincidence. Sending good, protective thoughts your way. If there’s anything I can do to help, such as be an ear to vent into, reach out.

  2. You are being listened to here, and I hope you keep talking. Writing, I mean. I also am very protective of my private life behind my public blog. So however you feel like sharing, you will still have us readers.

  3. Great post, thanks for sharing with us, we are listening. I’ve shut down at home too cause no one listens and found the blog wonderful for the same reasons. Well said.

    • “cause no one listens”…I’ve been thinking about this very thing quite a bit and am still trying to process what I do/do not own of that problem…I’m stuck on extremes as in the principle seems to say either “it’s my fault nobody listens because maybe I’ve been contributory in building such bad habits” or “I’m *feeling* unheard – is it true? Who would I be without that feeling/thought? If I don’t like it, I can change it – whatever that may mean.” I suppose those things are more on a continuum than they are opposites. Nonetheless, I’m trying to process the fact that I’m in control here because I have no flippin’ idea what that means! 🙂 [but I’m going to figure it out!]

      Sharing our insights, raw though they may be, is immensely selfless and courageous. Those insights help me and everyone else who happens upon our words. The universal connectedness of caring and love and suffering and joy is evident to me when I see “God” in others who struggle with bravery and humor. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for what I’ve found in my WordPress community. We’re not here to tell each other what we *want* to hear, we’re here to tell each other what we *need* to hear. For that, and in this venue, I can truly say I feel overwhelmed with something like love but way bigger and harder to define. Divine. 😉

  4. This one struck a nerve, especially “paper and person have to remain distinctly separate.”

    Rarely, it is tempting to mix the two but being closely guarded is simply de rigueur. Otherwise, the outlet does not manifest the same. Even after blogging for awhile I found I was beginning to self-censor and decided to examine. The balance remains delicate.

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