Do you have any idea how long it takes me to open up my authentic self to someone?
I keep myself hidden and secreted away in a corner of the world not meant for people to find out about. Exposure, emotional or in a general sense of letting someone into your life, on a real basis, does not happen easily for me. I struggle against my past and it’s prevented me from a lot, but it’s protected me as well and I covet my solitude.
It makes me feel nauseous when people get a glimpse inside the public façade. I don’t like it. At all. It makes me feel confrontational and combative in ways that I know stem from childhood. It doesn’t matter that I understand them and can adjust my reaction; inside I am churning with the need to fight as fleeing was never an option for me.
I have over shared. I have been guilty of thinking that I was protected simply because I didn’t post personal pictures, with the exception of my lips. I feel like a child who has been caught with pie on their face, denying that they ate any. Naivety is an interesting thing to experience as it makes you feel unprepared and uneducated, neither of which I like especially when used in relation to how I view myself.
The advantage to this entire thing is that I have learned something. I have suffered from hubris. The idea that people had invested personal time to read things I had written acted like a powerful intoxication for me. I was being listened to and that is something that does not occur in my real life and it’s something I stopped fighting for. This place was my voice and allowed me the safety of being allowed to live my life in neutral. I need the neutral considering the conflict I experience as a result of a multi situational life progressing at a rapid pace.
Many times, things are beyond my control and my reaction to them must be stable, proper and mitigated. I can not afford to lose it because it would impact my family, my children, negatively. I keep rigid control of myself because of this and only allow my true and passionate nature to come out in writing or in the bedroom. It’s been my survival method for me entire life and it shall continue until I can live an authentic life. Right now, paper and person have to remain distinctly separate. The two worlds can not blend. I can not risk the consequences, if they do.