He is as beautiful as I remember. Every fine line and detail, perfect. I have never had this type of full body instant reaction to any other person in my entire life. Physically, I completely respond to his presence. It is as simple as that. Time hasn’t diminished it and it never will. It is as clear to me as the color of the sky.
He took a deep breath and reached for me. We embraced and it made both of us freeze and coil with fear. You could feel the tension in the others body. And then we relaxed and inhaled each other at almost the exact same time. We just stood there, holding onto one another. Just being present.
We sat side by side and we talked. I told him all I knew. He had no explanations; he just simply gave his version of things as he remembered them. I realized quite a few things during the time he spoke. Assumptions I had made which were drastically wrong. My fear and pain keeping me silent when I should have done the exact opposite. My aversion to confrontation and running away from conflict, making things so much worse than they should have been.
I should have talked to him immediately. Given him an opportunity to speak. Instead of being judge and jury. He filled in the blanks and it made sense. He did not shirk from his role in what happened. At all.
Speaking emotions. Exposing truths. Blunt revelations. Making sense of things. Being in the moment. I touched him because i needed to. Remembering. I closed my eyes briefly, losing myself and when I opened them the intensity of his gaze took my breath away.
It was as easy as it was hard. We both tried to maintain a bit of separation. When he reached for me and hugged me, he folded me inside his arms, smelled my hair, hand on the back of my neck and held me against his chest, he smelled my hair and rested his cheek on my head. He kept me there. I’ve been there this whole time.
Everything was said that needed to be. No future plans were made. No revelations. We never said goodbye. Simply parted and went our own ways.
I feel better and worse for the encounter. So glad I did it, so the fear and hurt would stop, as it has. It’s been replaced by the bittersweet pain of regret.