regression

I can not get lost again in the comfort of solitude and sadness because I haven’t climbed my way out of the well I threw myself down, to get away from him. Now his shadow is looming over the round stone opening, with the brilliant blue sky behind him, throwing his well loved and perfect face into shadow, blocking most of the sun and throwing me into darker shadows.

As I claw my way upwards, using every ounce of my strength to gain vertical inches, breaking nails and tearing skin, focusing on the moment and survival, I rarely had a chance to look upwards to see my progression towards the light. Now, the suddenness of his unwanted presence has created a startled fear, causing me to slip and fall back to where I was once before and now it has happened again.

Twice now I have made progress only to have it taken away by his curiosity; his callous inability to leave me in peace as I struggle alone to escape from the dark pain of my mind. He lives his life in the sun and enjoying the world around him, glancing occasionally to the stones in the distance, making his way over occasionally to look down, probably without a thought as to how it will impact me, when he does.

I can not accept his hand to pull me out of the well; his offer of assistance counter intuitive to my survival. He is the cause of my being here. Everything I have fought so hard for, has disappeared and I am back to where I was. The difference this time is I know how hard things are, how difficult it is to gain purchase and keep hope alive.

Time has not altered how I feel. It has only has hampered my eloquence and removed my satin sheen of desire; it has numbed me to everything but my need to survive you. All while desperately needing and wanting you. How can I get past something when I am stuck in the epicentre? I am at the point where I know I don’t have the strength to make the climb out of my exiled prison again. I know if I take his hand it will end up damaging me in ways I have yet to understand.

I am terrified, lost, and desperate for protection. The need to bury my face into someone shoulder and have them carry the burden for even just a short time is an overwhelming need and it is unlikely to occur. No one saves me; I save myself. Only this time I don’t think I can do it. I hate myself for the weakness and for still being able to feel your lips on mine when I close my eyes.

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17 Responses to regression

  1. kit says:

    Stay strong! You can do it! You deserve much better, someone who doesn’t just use you, someone who is not attached to someone else.

  2. HemmingPlay says:

    Would it do you any good to tell him that you don’t want to hear from him? (Even though part of you does?) But your judgement is that it’s harmful, and he may not really know that. Could be a totally stupid suggestion, so YMMV

    • rougedmount says:

      i asked him to not contact me ever again – but i did not tell him the reasons why. but in thinking about this today, i think i may have to contact him and give a definite closure to the entire thing. my biggest fear is that my sexual arousal with him is by far greater than the hurt i carry from him. the chemistry, even so long since i have seen him, is overwhelming to me. i fear any interaction with him because i do not trust myself

      • HemmingPlay says:

        I may sound like Dear Abby, but from the other stuff you said, he’s not a terrific human being in some ways, right? You may still feel attracted, but that will pass. I’m not unsympathetic, though, or minimizing the struggle. I went through something similar. It hurts for a long time. But closing one door doesn’t mean there aren’t any others ahead, although it sure feels terrible in the moment.

      • rougedmount says:

        its been 18 months and the attraction has not diminished – i can tell you with truth in my heart that it will be there for the rest of my life – i plan on moving on…but i know he is not going anywhere.

      • HemmingPlay says:

        I hear you on this. Truly. I’m at three years and it got manageable somewhere around 2+. It ain’t easy.

      • dandilyonz4u says:

        Love makes time pass but time makes love pass. You will eventually be strong enough with time and there is no prescription on how much so take all you need. Remember it too shall pass.

  3. Ned's Blog says:

    Ironically, I think allowing yourself to feel this pain may be the only way it might ever end. At some point, your acceptance of the reality you face because of the temptation will be stronger than your desire. I’d also suggest keeping chocolate nearby, just in case. Chocolate bars, not the syrup; chocolate syrup is just asking for trouble…

    • rougedmount says:

      …thanks …now i am thinking of the slow hot drizzle of chocolate sauce, swirling and leaving delicious trails of temptation over heated skin…
      i have to face him – he doesn’t know that i know and so he probably feels there may be potential of reconciliation. and every unexpected contact from him pierces me so deeply that i can barely breathe. i have to be strong enough to meet him, confront him, allow him to lie to my face and then walk away from him hoping that it distances him from me permanently because he knows he has been called out and i will never believe him again. the only problem is that i have no control over myself where he is concerned.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        I’m sure he is aware of this; any man whom understands the intricacies of passion does. I suspect it is a game with him, whether he understands or admits it. “How far can I push her and still manipulate her back into submission?” You need to let the betrayal fuel your confrontation and create the distance you need. You’re a strong woman who deserves better for — and from — herself. It’s in your hands, not his. Don’t forget that.

      • rougedmount says:

        thank you for that – i feel that no matter how well prepared i am, it’s not going to go the way i want. but i have to try

      • Ned's Blog says:

        The fact that you recognize the importance of trying puts you ahead of the curve.

  4. dievca says:

    I cannot even imagine~

  5. I am sorry you’re feeling this pain ❤ XOX

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