I can not get lost again in the comfort of solitude and sadness because I haven’t climbed my way out of the well I threw myself down, to get away from him. Now his shadow is looming over the round stone opening, with the brilliant blue sky behind him, throwing his well loved and perfect face into shadow, blocking most of the sun and throwing me into darker shadows.
As I claw my way upwards, using every ounce of my strength to gain vertical inches, breaking nails and tearing skin, focusing on the moment and survival, I rarely had a chance to look upwards to see my progression towards the light. Now, the suddenness of his unwanted presence has created a startled fear, causing me to slip and fall back to where I was once before and now it has happened again.
Twice now I have made progress only to have it taken away by his curiosity; his callous inability to leave me in peace as I struggle alone to escape from the dark pain of my mind. He lives his life in the sun and enjoying the world around him, glancing occasionally to the stones in the distance, making his way over occasionally to look down, probably without a thought as to how it will impact me, when he does.
I can not accept his hand to pull me out of the well; his offer of assistance counter intuitive to my survival. He is the cause of my being here. Everything I have fought so hard for, has disappeared and I am back to where I was. The difference this time is I know how hard things are, how difficult it is to gain purchase and keep hope alive.
Time has not altered how I feel. It has only has hampered my eloquence and removed my satin sheen of desire; it has numbed me to everything but my need to survive you. All while desperately needing and wanting you. How can I get past something when I am stuck in the epicentre? I am at the point where I know I don’t have the strength to make the climb out of my exiled prison again. I know if I take his hand it will end up damaging me in ways I have yet to understand.
I am terrified, lost, and desperate for protection. The need to bury my face into someone shoulder and have them carry the burden for even just a short time is an overwhelming need and it is unlikely to occur. No one saves me; I save myself. Only this time I don’t think I can do it. I hate myself for the weakness and for still being able to feel your lips on mine when I close my eyes.