3rd Day 1

Fuck you for contacting me after yet another 7 months spent recovering from you

Nice new email address you have with your new girlfriends name along with yours

What am I supposed to do with your cordial email greeting

Dropping me a line to say you are thinking about me, hoping all is well with me

No it’s not all well, it used to be, it was this morning, but not now

Just seeing your stupid name sent an electric jolt of awareness through me

My stomach dropped and I RESPONDED physically as if you touched me this morning

you . are . an . asshole .

And I fucking hate you right now

Because I don’t and I wish I could

And now I have to start over

Day fucking one all over again

Of my body wanting you and my mind needing you

And remembering every single time you touched me

And how much I miss it, need it and so desperately want it

I can’t bare the thought of never having it again and it savagely hurts

How easy it would be to just answer you, open the dialogue, feed my addiction

Knowing that I can’t because it would destroy me; you are destroying me

You don’t get a 2nd chance at breaking my heart as it is still broken

You don’t get to explain anything to me, nothing you say could be believed

You don’t get the satisfaction of lying to my face again, never again

And thinking that you got away with all the deceptions because you always have

Keep lying to the women already in your life, your wife, your girlfriend, your fuck buddies

Keep pretending that you are a good and honest man looking for compassion

And that you have value and purpose, worthy of love

Because I know differently and you can not take any more from me if I refuse to give it

You misrepresented yourself and your motives to me

You damaged that fragile piece of my heart

I exposed to you after keeping it hidden for so long

I trusted you

You could have just fucked me and let it be all there was between us

Instead you pretended that you exposed yourself emotionally

You showed me your past, your hurts and hopes for a future

You let me meet your son and spend time together with him

All using it as a way to get me to invest in you

To believe you and everything you told me

And every fucking word that fell from your beautiful mouth was a lie

So there it is, words you typed in black font on my white screen

Ruining my entire fucking day, week and month

What the fuck is wrong with you?

That you are so broken that you have to keep hurting women

Part of me wants to confront you and hrow it in your face that I know, I knew

The other part screaming a reminder to never see you again

I can’t give you even the slightest allowance or place in my real life

I can not control myself with your memory

I have no hopes of doing so when you are in front of me

My only salvation for myself and for my heart

Lies with the truth in that no response from me is the only response

Your body can not come back into my life in a real way

You are a ghost that haunts my days and nights

Tormenting me with an ephemeral presence I chase with every arousal

Every bit as real to me as the sun, the wind, the rain

Desperate to have it touch my skin, have you touch my skin

And I can’t, I am not strong enough to refuse you

When you are the world that I stopped believing in, once you strangled my spirit

I have been holding onto hope, ever since I set you aside

But not the hope you would have may expected me to have

Since that day, for me hope means but one single thing

Hold On Pain Ends – H.O.P.E.

And today you have cut me again, leaving a bloody wound

That has to heal and eventually leave another scar on my wrist

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14 Responses to 3rd Day 1

  1. So well said as usual. I’m so sorry. Hugs.

  2. mckismeisreallyme says:

    Gah! I’m proud of you for not responding as you so wanted to. And I’m sorry that he was callous enough to reach out, after so long, when you’ve been working diligently to get past him. Remain as strong as you are, as you know can be. {hugs}

    • rougedmount says:

      strength is a misconception – it’s a veil of falseness masking weakness.the cost of no contact has beaten me as thoroughly as if fists were used.

      • dandilyonz4u says:

        Wow. This brought tears to my eyes as I have also recently been badly deceived by someone I loved dearly. After I fell in love with this person, blinded by the love I felt, I could not see the glitches in the things he said and did. Only to find out later that non of his promises were ever gonna come true because he’s married and happily I might add.
        I wonder what causes people to be so cruel? I never felt so broken in my life and this post is saying many of the things I’d like to say to him but can’t.
        And I really like hold on pain ends, that’s a really good spin on hope.

      • rougedmount says:

        my heartfelt sympathies and support to you, knowing how hard the feelings are to get through

  3. G Richard says:

    So sorry beautiful lady – some harms are simply unexplainable – some are just cruel

    • rougedmount says:

      i can make assumptions and make personality diagnosis all one sided and from my point of view. i do not need or require any explanations from him. i do not want to hear them. nothing can take away the truth of what i know or alter my reality of why i chose to leave. i did not give any hint that i discovered his nefarious nature, i provided a lovely cover story and exited gracefully, asking for no further contact. He has contacted me twice now, at 7 month intervals and i do not know if i can make it through this one.

      • G Richard says:

        Again, I miss knowing you in the real world, and perhaps my image of you as created by your writings is skewed by my own emotions and excitement that those words have incited – to that extent I apologize if my response is presumptuous. However, from your considerable and varied past, as punctuated by a myriad of emotional twists and turns, I see very little probability that you will do anything other than rise up above this setback and bolster your diverse and powerful womanly being – not merely weathering the storm but ultimately embracing it. As you have said, you are not a passive object with its fortune and future is tied to external events. You will make it through this one,,, rely upon those who have shared your path willingly and safely in the past. And if all else fails, email me

      • rougedmount says:

        thank you for reminding me who i am and how i handle things. i am just so very tired of being strong – i fully understand how people give up and let things happen…the appeal for me is enormous. unfortunately for me, i think that when i learned to embrace ‘hope’ it was at such a young age, that its in my genetic coding to face things and when all else fails, swear in the face of adversity and take what ever is thrown my way. it’s why i respond so dramatically to a strong but gentle man.

  4. sassygirl40 says:

    Up until reading this I had been thinking “it would be nice if he reached out to me in the future” but now, after reading what you are going through, what I would very likely go through, I hope he never reaches out, opening the wound fresh again. Thank you for sharing.
    I’m so sorry you are going through this.

    • rougedmount says:

      the reaction is as real, as fresh and new as if it had just occurred. the emotions, the pain spinning my mind and my world making it impossible to just breathe normally let alone function. do NOT go back, do not wish it or hope for it…run towards anything else.

  5. unlovingyou says:

    oh god rougedmount. ugh, he does this on purpose because he wants a reaction out of you. even tho he is not there to witness it, he know it affects you. that’s one sick bastard. i am so glad you are not emailing him back…but i know this is so hard for you. I’m sorry.
    i really wanna kick him.

    • rougedmount says:

      i’m going to face him and tell him all i know about him and why i dont want to hear from him again – i plan on being superficial, blase and backhanded…appearing completely uninterested and uncaring…if i can make him believe i find him irrelevant..then he should leave me alone and then i can go get on with my life. i have to kill the hope. or i will always lose myself to him.

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