resentment

Resentment threatens to choke me

Backwashing like bitter bile

Burning the back of my throat

Making me cough and gag

Desperately trying to suppress it

Ignore it, manage the symptoms

Because the cause can not be changed

I desperately try to hold onto neutral

Be grateful for what I have

Rather than want what’s missing

Want – I hate that word

I have wanted my whole marriage

And been denied constantly

And the second I start down that path

I have to reign myself in brutally

Or risk being overtaken by resentment

Until I am mired in it and die from it

Like a noxious element, it kills your soul

Like an invasive plant, it chokes native species

Every day I battle my demon into submission

And then woken up from restless dreams

Filled with longing and the physical aches

Of a body long neglected or used

For the single purpose it was meant

My vessel was not meant to be placed on a shelf

Unused and admired as a decorative piece

But used daily as part of the necessary tools

Used to make life easier and more pleasant

Instead I am left to gather dust month after month

Until years pass and my resentment grows

Why was I purchased and left to ruin from disuse?

Colors fading and my glorious shape untouched

I should have been left for someone else

Someone who needed me for more than show

Someone who would have admired the way

I aged through hard use and tender aftercare

Instead of suffering through shameless neglect

Leaving me an empty vessel filled with resentment

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8 Responses to resentment

  1. ekidon says:

    Reblogged this on BDSM -Ties That Bind or Break Us and commented:
    For you. A

  2. Feel this one deeply. I just read another post ( http://derswhippingpost.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/like-a-firefly/) that woke this feeling, as though it were distant but reading yours I realize the feeling exists here in the present too.

  3. G Richard says:

    Ah yes, resentment – the poison we swallow so confidently in our efforts to punish others. A cocktail I’ve shared many times with a chaser of Buffalo Trace. I wish I had something to say that would help – but it would only sound hallow and trite. So instead, I send you a heartfelt hug, an embrace, a rub on your lovely back – and share a tear with you this morning –

    • rougedmount says:

      (quick google of Buffalo Trace) ahhhhh – got it..thought it was booze and it was. I appreciate the sentiment, the virtual hug and would submit my bare back for the rubbing…lol
      (your correction made me smile,btw)

  4. G Richard says:

    that would be “hollow” of course – spelling is not my forte

  5. dragonfly918 says:

    This is slowly killing you, you know. You really want to martyr the rest of your life to this dysfunctional asshole? Why?

    • rougedmount says:

      it’s not the rest of my life – it’s until the path of my children are established, set on a solid foundation. giving up an active sex life is/was worth the results….

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