conclusions of pivotal moments

I have come to the conclusion that some people, once they enter your life, change who you are, forever. Their inclusion in your life, good or bad, alters your path of who you were towards something else. Pivotal moments are never known for what they were except in hindsight. Over this last year, I have tried to not look back. Knowing that to do so would turn me into a pillar of salt or cast me immediately into stone. Yes the desire to look back, to run back, was so overwhelming that I have to shut a large part of who I was down, to keep the impulse in check.

I did this to myself. I surrounded myself in numbness, dumb numbness, in order to restrain myself towards the passionate desire to prostrate myself at his feet begging him to change the past that never existed between us. How could I feel anger when the nature of an affair is nothing but deception and subterfuge? I knew the entire story of how things would end before they even began and I made my choices hoping that the duration of what I had, would be worth what I felt when it was time for things to end.

It was.

The only thing I had not anticipated was the depth of how an affair would change me. Not my morals, my beliefs, my ideals; but how I felt that knowing that I had such a brief period of passionate joy to reflect back on, if I am blessed with the ability to grow old. My entire life is built on the solid ground of constraint. Being forced to deal with a son who I struggle to deal with. Being forced to deal with a spouse who is not compatible with me on any level. Being forced to be the orchestrator of a life that is unmanageable. I have to be steadfast and strong every single second of every single day of my life.

I can’t get sick as things fall apart. I don’t have the luxury of having a bad day because if I do it takes weeks for my son to recover from it. I can’t lose my patience, my temper or my drive to make it all work because I am the only one responsible for it all. Who had time to be carefree? Where was all this sexual happiness and contentment? Certainly not in my life. I knew what I was giving up to handle my life in the best interest of my kids. I knew it and I would do it again but the cost to that was living in a barren void.

My affair changed that because it made me feel again.

After years of being alone, feeling alone, living alone I was thrust into a world of sensation and compatibility. I had support and comfort. I had sexual satiation that I could never had envisioned was possible and it changed the very fabric of how I thought and what I believed to be true about relationships in general between adults. It doesn’t matter the how’s of why’s of how the relationship ended, what matters is that it happened and it changed me irrevocably into awareness. My cocoon lay in shreds behind my, my wings had dried and I had soared for the first time in my adult life.

I had felt weightless while using the air currents of my affair to lift me up into a brilliant blue sky and push me over turbulent waters far below. Nothing could touch my new found freedom as I gained all the confidence that had been lost to me while I was restrained by the role of unappreciated wife and mother.

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17 Responses to conclusions of pivotal moments

  1. I feel like I relate – at least to the pressure and solitary responsibility to uphold it all; as well as to the incompatibility with your spouse and the eventual dumb numbness. Mine was my “wall”, my emotional disconnect designed to protect myself from hurt. My affair – the emotional connection I have made via it – has also transformed me from darkness to awareness.

    Where do you go from here? What do you do with this new self-actualization? I have my own, at least temporary answers for what lies ahead of me, but I am very intrigued to hear your thoughts about your journey.

    Loved this post.


    • rougedmount says:

      where i go is simple – forward, without looking back. even though i can physically do it and mentally understand it, i struggle with the actualization. who i was has changed. who i am now is a regression of what i could have been. “awareness” is a mysterious thing – a precious and dangerous thing. I wonder where it will lead me.

  2. dragonfly918 says:

    Indeed. Pandora’s box can never be closed again. Eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil can never be undone. But there is always choice. And not choosing is a choice too.

    My married lover with whom I had the misfortune to fall in love with kept telling me “I have no choice” but that’s not true. He made the choice to stay in a loveless/sexless marriage every day. So I chose to let him go. Because I choose to have the life I want.

    I’m no longer content to be miserable because I opened that box too, and experienced a life of technicolor so intense that going back to my grey toned life was hellish, no longer acceptible.

    Sometimes it seems that ignorance is bliss because the choices look like depthless chasms, but it’s all illusion.

    I hope that you eventually find peace in the choices you make.

    • rougedmount says:

      i completely agree – not choosing IS a choice…and ignorance IS seems that all soliloquies and euphemisms are truths discovered by people who lived lives and experienced hurts and loves…and those who never knew and read about them can now apply that knowledge of their own to the sayings…my grey world has been endless this last year.

  3. Mike says:

    I feel it’s wonderful you were actually able to enjoy that time. That you can reflect back on it fondly heightens the value of it to you multiple-fold

  4. Oh, I feel as though I could have written this post myself as well as echo dragonflies comments.

    It is very hard to go back into your life when suddenly a door has opened to you.

    Chin up. x

  5. dievca says:

    I don’t know if you ever look at my blog — but I wrote a post about Master and if we separated. I am changed from meeting Him and have been given a gift to carry me forward in the lonelier times. I think that your gift does the same.
    If you want to see it:

    • rougedmount says:

      yes i read your blog.. IF and WHEN i have 3 seconds to myself, which has been verrrrryyyy little lately. but such is life when changes and adjustments happen. the beauty of what you have needs to be enjoyed

      • dievca says:

        No — I didn’t mean for you to feel obligated. Don’t. I get that you are swamped. I just thought I would mentioned it, incase you wanted to take a glance. I had a life, I had a new chance — if I lose the chance, I still have been given a gift to sustain me for the future. I think you have been given that gift, too. If so, cherish it.

      • rougedmount says:

        oh goodness..i didn’t mean to come off as giving that impression at all! i like your blog and i LOVE reading the people i follow.. i get inspiration and pleasure from it.. i truly have had no time for the one thing i love the most..which is writing..and reading other peoples work..i understand what you wrote about..i knew it as well as a truth when i was living in the same type of completeness…but the other side is vastly lonely simply because of your heightened is truly a double edged sword

  6. alleyg8r says:

    From my own view…you eventually understand that regardless of the nature of the person and how he or she acted, what you were given was a gift–a view into how life could be, and how liberating real love can be. And even if you have to box that gift up for a time and put it in the closet, you know it’s there. You can take it out now and then and admire it before putting it away. And one day, you’ll find a comparable gift in a different form–and perhaps you’ll be in a position to enjoy it fully. And in the meantime, you go on with life with the faith that one day, you’ll get there.

    Not easy, but eventually, the hurt fades. As a friend once put it, you’ll feel it, but as if you’re looking at something through many panes of thick glass…you’ll be insulated from it. But the joy will still be there, too.

  7. daytightliving says:

    This is what people don’t understand about affairs. No one WANTS to have one. No one thinks “wow, this is an easy way to get what I want.” It so isn’t. What it does is remind you that you’re a person too. Not just someone’s wife and/or mother. A person who has thoughts and feelings and is alive.

    I still hurt for my sweet son, although he is doing the very best he can under the circumstances some 18 months on. But I will never, ever be sorry that I left my idiot ex-husband and chose to live life again instead of existing in constant dread and anger. I have hope that my life can still be something and mean something again. That is priceless.

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