I have come to the conclusion that some people, once they enter your life, change who you are, forever. Their inclusion in your life, good or bad, alters your path of who you were towards something else. Pivotal moments are never known for what they were except in hindsight. Over this last year, I have tried to not look back. Knowing that to do so would turn me into a pillar of salt or cast me immediately into stone. Yes the desire to look back, to run back, was so overwhelming that I have to shut a large part of who I was down, to keep the impulse in check.
I did this to myself. I surrounded myself in numbness, dumb numbness, in order to restrain myself towards the passionate desire to prostrate myself at his feet begging him to change the past that never existed between us. How could I feel anger when the nature of an affair is nothing but deception and subterfuge? I knew the entire story of how things would end before they even began and I made my choices hoping that the duration of what I had, would be worth what I felt when it was time for things to end.
The only thing I had not anticipated was the depth of how an affair would change me. Not my morals, my beliefs, my ideals; but how I felt that knowing that I had such a brief period of passionate joy to reflect back on, if I am blessed with the ability to grow old. My entire life is built on the solid ground of constraint. Being forced to deal with a son who I struggle to deal with. Being forced to deal with a spouse who is not compatible with me on any level. Being forced to be the orchestrator of a life that is unmanageable. I have to be steadfast and strong every single second of every single day of my life.
I can’t get sick as things fall apart. I don’t have the luxury of having a bad day because if I do it takes weeks for my son to recover from it. I can’t lose my patience, my temper or my drive to make it all work because I am the only one responsible for it all. Who had time to be carefree? Where was all this sexual happiness and contentment? Certainly not in my life. I knew what I was giving up to handle my life in the best interest of my kids. I knew it and I would do it again but the cost to that was living in a barren void.
My affair changed that because it made me feel again.
After years of being alone, feeling alone, living alone I was thrust into a world of sensation and compatibility. I had support and comfort. I had sexual satiation that I could never had envisioned was possible and it changed the very fabric of how I thought and what I believed to be true about relationships in general between adults. It doesn’t matter the how’s of why’s of how the relationship ended, what matters is that it happened and it changed me irrevocably into awareness. My cocoon lay in shreds behind my, my wings had dried and I had soared for the first time in my adult life.
I had felt weightless while using the air currents of my affair to lift me up into a brilliant blue sky and push me over turbulent waters far below. Nothing could touch my new found freedom as I gained all the confidence that had been lost to me while I was restrained by the role of unappreciated wife and mother.