Sometimes the level of my obtuseness makes me crazy. I used to be able to piece things together quickly. I used to be able see the pieces of the puzzle and align them in my mind even before I started to place them together. I failed at doing that for the last 2 weeks. I was writing a reply to Hemmingplay, who had written positive comments on another post of mine and all of a sudden it hit me. Sudden clarity that was obvious once I saw it. Obviously.
My son with Aspergers has been horrible the last 2 weeks. Brutal. I can not even begin to explain how you how things have been. Unless you can imagine dealing with an uncontrollable, tantrum’ing, over tired 4 year old in the middle of a sugar melt down. Except that he is 20 years old, 6ft 3 and weighs 280lbs.
I have been at my new job…2 weeks…voila! Anyone else see the connection? This job is being used to yo yo me in and out of the house, giving him opportunity to complete small jobs I give him, without my being underfoot to re-direct him. It’s been horrible. He does not adjust well. AT.ALL. So it takes 4-6 weeks to get a new routine down to where he can not be viscious and unreasonable. Once he is stable, I can tweak and change things to make them work. But the initial groundwork is beyond rough.
Somehow, I forgot that my new job meant an adjustment for him. He is in fact not actually the worst person you have ever encountered, he is simply on the autism spectrum. But just far enough along it that he just comes across as a fucking asshole as opposed to autistic. Seriously, it is so hard for me to deal with him at times like this. He becomes close to violent and that triggers me to near panic. I can’t remember to stay focused and stable when i am fighting myself as well as him.
I have to fight so hard to reign myself in to not lose it, that it makes me nauseous. Physically sick and gastrointestinal upset. I dread it. I dread going to sleep because I can’t stand the thought of waking up and having to deal with him again. The last week I have implemented a morning routine where he HAS to get up and go on an hour long dog walk before I see him. His father HAS to get him up. If I try he loses his mind and the entire day is a write off. Once he returns from the walk, he is closer to neutral and I am on my way out the door.
I know dealing with him through near avoidance is not ideal, but it works when going through transitions with him as I can not deal with the fear he makes me feel when he gets that crazy look in his eyes. When he is out of control he can hurt me and I am not willing to risk my safety. I know this sounds extreme…but unless you have seen someone his size lose it, you don’t get it. Unless you have been attacked, you don’t know how hard the panic hits you between the shoulder blades.
His siblings are working with me on how to handle him over the next few weeks to get him back on track. I have concerns how this person is ever going to manage on his own or how I am going to limit my interaction with him as an adult. We will never have the traditional type of relationship that many people have with adult kids. That makes me sad. I am grateful for his abilities but there are days when his challenges are too much for me to handle.