rant: morning routine

you.are.an.asshole

YES,YOU have to get our 20 year old son with aspergers up 5 mornings a week
that is YOUR responsibility!!!
that does not mean “telling” him to get up once or twice…
it means making sure he is dressed and out of his room…
otherwise he is a miserable fucking monster the entire day
blaming me for walking him up
fighting with me on every single thing I ask of him
confrontational and oppositional
in my face arguing about everything
he becomes combative and drools
spits as he speaks and escalates everything
as his eyes start to roll and his tics exaggerate
and i don’t fucking deserve that
he doesn’t deserve that
just because you take the easy way out
don’t fucking blame me for you being lazy
and don’t say you too busy because you had to do laundry
yes, you carried the sheets downstairs this morning
sheets that I stripped from the bed 
after i folded and put away the duvet
sheets I will put back on during the day 
then make the entire fucking bed like I. DO. EVERY.MORNING.
Not you..you don’t make the bed every morning, do you?
have you ever made the bed at all without being asked?
So carrying the sheets downstairs every 2 weeks 
should not be such a huge fucking effort on your part, should it?
you KNOW what he is like with me
don’t fucking blame me for making things worse
i WILL NOT ALLOW him to speak to me with disrespect
i WILL NOT ALLOW him to be lazy and shirk responsibilities
i WILL NOT ALLOW him to break the rules
i WILL NOT ALLOW him to sleep until noon
he fights with me because I AM THE PARENT
and you HATE waking him up because then you are a bad guy
not the good time fucking friend
who can be on his side claiming how unreasonable i am being
you aren’t doing him any favors by teaching him to disrespect authority
you aren’t teaching him to be a man by allowing him to disrespect his mother
you are teaching him manipulation and confrontation
you are teaching him to blame others and to not accept responsibility for his actions
all you had to do was wake him up and ensure he was out of his room 
by the time i had fed and walked the dogs
so that MY interaction with him could be positive
once he got back from an hour long walk with the dog
and he had a chance to stabilize his mood alone, after exercise
so thanks for ruining my entire day by your lack of parenting
you. fucking. stupid. asshole
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6 Responses to rant: morning routine

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    This post stirs up so many emotions and feelings, things I felt while listening to my wife talk about those same issues when dealing with her ex husband’s complete lack of support with their (now our) son with Aspergers. Never wanting to be the “bad guy,” which really meant not wanting to be in his son’s crosshairs — and a willingness to put her in them instead. During the first three years after we became a family, I can’t tell you how many times I had to physically restrain our son to keep him from indirectly hurting others or himself with his tantrums. I kept thinking to myself how glad I was that she no longer had to be the emotional and physical punching bag. I would come home every day and feel my stomach turn and my muscles tighten, knowing that things could flip at any moment, over the slightest thing. But we remained consistent with routine, expectations and accountability. It was hell for almost four years. I know we became a family for a reason because, today, those days seem like a lifetime ago. The only time my son (now 14) and I get “physical” is when we knuckle bump or high-five after a good joke, or hug when he leaves for a weekend at his Dad’s.

    I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you and your son don’t have the support you deserve and need. It really does take the kind of example and persistence that one person can’t do alone. Especially in those times when you border on mental and emotional exhaustion. I have to wonder what difference it would have made — and could still make — if that support was there for you and your son.

    I wish there was something I could do for you both.

    • rougedmount says:

      Seriously…you have NO idea how much your comments mean to me, especially since I know you live the life and walk the walk. I freaking love you so much for being the man your wife needed not just for herself but for the kids, it’s crazy. I want to hug her and high five her! for making such an amazing decision to have you in her/their life. Hearing you want to protect her from the emotional and physical tolls it takes to raise a challenging child with Aspergers, makes me so happy. It’s how I always dreamed it would work; a sane and stable man who could co-parent through the tough times.

      I chose to come back after leaving my spouse years ago and knowing I have had to face 90% of my sons issues, alone. It has been impossible at times. Beyond impossible. I am so glad your wife didn’t have to do that. It kills part of your soul. I have had to learn to let go, even after being exceptionally upset. I have no choice or I would be upset all the time..lol..but the stress of dealing with my son has taken it’s toll on me. Times like this morning, when ALL I need is to make sure he is out of his bed..it seems almost incomprehensible to me that my husband fights with me on something so simple and basic.

      “I” am the one doing all the hard work for Christs sake. He spends 5 minutes getting him out of bed and then once the kid gets some exercise under him, I can manage him just fine. Without it, we are head to head in a battle of wills which I can not lose. I resent his father every time he shrugs his responsibility. It makes me twist every single positive thing he does to nothingness because he has thrown me under the bus again. Every time he runs me over, I remember why I can hate him so easily if I let myself. I have to work at staying neutral.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        I really and truly appreciate those kind words. You’re an amazing women who deserves so much more than you’re getting (I’m talking about support, here… lol..), and so does your son. I was fortunate enough to have a strong stepfather who turned my life around. Whenever I have felt like I’m losing patience, I always think of him and what he did for me; if I could be half the man and father he was, I would be content. That wish, and never wanting my wife to ever feel that isolation again keeps me striving. And so does the incredible progress I’ve seen my son make. The sense of humor he has developed, his self awareness and recognition; being able to pull his leg and watch him recognize that I am joking is so HUGE.

        I understand the resentment you feel and can’t blame you for it. Being caught in a battle of wills with both your husband and son is exhausting. I can’t tell you how much respect I feel for you and the courage I know it must take to keep going — even when there are times when you feel you don’t want to.

        All that you feel in this situation is validated. And so are your feelings and wishes for something better for yourself and your son.

        I wish there was something I could do to help you get there.

      • rougedmount says:

        that my dear man, you are already doing…every time i read your posts…

  2. tattoogirl says:

    Oh how I wish I could comfort you right now. Please, be good to yourself. You are an amazing, strong woman and an excellent mother. I would write “Stay Strong,” but you’ve already proven how strong you are. Only good things for you Rougedmount, good things. Hugs and Kisses from Brooklyn. xoxo

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