retrain or release

An animal or a child, who is neglected because of the lack of education of its primary caregivers, can be recovered with little to no long term negative effects altering their basic personality. They are cautious but curious and can be taught to trust their environment, once given the opportunity to experience a stable world.

This is a vastly different experience compared to if the neglect is based on malice. This will leave a residue of submissiveness or anger in their personality, both of which are based in fear. It is almost impossible to overcome this obstacle, even after massive re-education and re-training because in times of stress,  they revert to fear based reactions.

You have to make a decision on where and how you extend your energy and resources. There are times when you have to recognize that the past which makes us who we are, can result in basic personality faults that we can not overcome, in spite of out best efforts and intentions. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away, especially when all you want to do is ‘fix’ something what was broken, long before they came into your life.

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9 Responses to retrain or release

  1. Whoa…”Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away, especially when all you want to do is ‘fix’ something what was broken, long before they came into your life.”

    Deep and resonating. It’s interesting that I told my H that he was angry long before I met him and that he’s been angry over the lifespan of our relationship. Consistently.

    It is astonishing how many people have either directly told me I’ve done all I can do, or, that my therapists have repeatedly asked “do you really think this can be fixed?”

    [Well hell yes! I’m PROGRAMMED to believe everything can be fixed! Seriously?? jeez!]

    There more I encounter the message, the more I am able to see it. It may take a few thousand times more, but eventually, I will get it.

    • rougedmount says:

      time to change the programming on the remote and if you can;t get it then time to toss it and buy
      sometimes damage done is impossible to fix..

      • Programming…yes. Excellent word choice. Throughout all of this though, I can metaphorically say “sure, I might like a new remote – but I can live without it just fine.”

        I guess my tenacity and perseverance has served me very well in every other aspect of my life that it seemed like a natural choice in this case to give it everything I’ve got. The question is when is everything too much (I think I’ve answered my own rhetoric here…). It’s exceptionally hard to accept that damage done may be impossible to fix. After all, I’ve found ways to “fix” everything else…[um helloooooo, Ego talking…] /smil

      • rougedmount says:

        i totally get that…part of your brain is wired to just wait it out because eventually you will ‘win’ the battle and make it work.

      • Riiiight. Exactly. erg

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    At some point, particularly when children are involved, you have to weigh the need to “fix” someone with the consequences your child will face as a result of living in a volatile and unhappy situation. You can teach children about unconditional love as a parent, but they will never understand or recognize love between two people if they don’t have an example. And the consequences go far beyond finding love and happiness with someone else; it also diminishes their ability to find love and happiness in themselves.

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    One of the things I learned is that as much as you’d want or need to, you can’t save everyone – it can be a tough pill to swallow having to admit defeat or failure.

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