comfortably numb

I am not holding onto his memory as a way to keep him in my life. He is simply there. Every day he weaves in and out of my awareness. I am no longer over taken by the realization of his absence. It is a pervasive muting of everything good or beautiful. I am living in a period of mourning, slowly recovering and learning to adjust to the new normal. A world where he is not part of it and never will be again.

I am unable to move forward. I have absolutely no desire to be desired or to desire. I have physical needs that occasionally flare, but even then, they are murky, slow moving, cold and finite, barely worth mentioning in the absolute banality of almost adequate. I just don’t care to care. It’s not even that I am afraid, I’m not, I am truly not interested in introducing anyone new into my life.

I have some treasured male friends I speak with occasionally and it seems that is certainly partially filling a need. If they lived closer, perhaps things might be different, but who knows. I think I have reached a point where the damage of my past is such that I don’t trust myself or anyone else to protect me. The walls that I used my entire life to protect myself with came down and crushed me. I am not bitter; I don’t really even qualify as ‘hurt’. I am at the place where I know I have suffered a serious injury, but the sensation indicating pain and trauma has somehow been blocked.

It’s not even a matter of not trusting someone to not hurt me; I simply don’t trust anyone, period. It is the strangest vantage point, seeing things from an entirely different angle. One where the only need I see myself filling in an affair would be simple physical gratification and the idea of that is verging on abhorrent. It makes me resentful of a situation that hasn’t even occurred which means it would be completely unfair to even consider a relationship with someone when the thought of them cheating with me, makes my stomach turn.

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10 Responses to comfortably numb

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    I’m so sorry for what you are feeling. For someone naturally filled with passion in so many forms, emptiness is worse than outright pain, rage or sorrow. Don’t give up on trust; be willing to allow it to be earned by someone some day. You are worth that and so much more.

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Yep, this is a pretty jacked up way to feel. Vacant is a good word but when I’ve felt like this, the word ’empty’ seems to sum it all up better. Ah, man, you need a hug so imagine me hugging you and I know that you’ll get it together and do what you gotta do to make and keep yourself happy.

    You’re in a bad spot, my dearest Rouged, and one where having an affair – even for the physical gratification – is your one and only viable option right now and, yeah, as nice as they can be at times, they don’t always end well. I try to put myself in your place and, honestly, there’s no question about what I would do and with the sure thought that even having an affair with someone isn’t going to last and isn’t exactly the best solution to the problem… but you gotta work with what you’ve got; otherwise, the alternative – giving up the search for someone to fuck (to be blunt) – would put me right back fully into the situation that makes me even more miserable.

    So I know I wouldn’t give up because my sanity is at risk… and you shouldn’t give up either. God, my heart aches for you, Rouged…

  3. frankly1900 says:

    Having an affair has to be something like a beautiful car crash. In the end, when the swirling sensation stops there is the crunch bit. If you can’t trust other people, then love and trust yourself. We are not perfect people, because there is no such thing, so don’t be too hard on yourself or the other guy. Self interests will always play out irrespective of the sweet words said before.

    Be sad or mad for awhile, then dust yourself off and get back into the game:)

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