My son is brilliant and has decided that he is not. He refused to provide any work for the teaching staff to grade in his final year. Therefore he did not get any marks to get into University or College. He is incapable of doing any Trades as he has no interest, is uncoordinated and exceptionally careless. Adding tools or heavy machinery to that is asking for disaster. When he is frustrated he now acts uncontrollably and immediately, so you don’t even have a chance to re-direct. He does not want to work and so he sabotages interviews to ensure he will never get hired.
At this point, if I ask him to assist with ANYTHING he flies into an abusive rage with unacceptable language. He will do what was asked, in the worst possible way, destroying things if he can and then stating “I asked for it”. I have stayed calm for the 14 hours it took him to mow a 30 by 40 ft lawn; stayed calm as he mowed over flower beds and trampled over newly transplanted gardens. Then I have taken him to the bank to repay me for the plants he ruined and then to pay me for the labour of having to re-do it a 2nd time.
He has regressed so much in the last 6 months, I truly fear for his future. He is back to being an angry and uncontrollable 8 year old having tantrums and unable to be trusted, with all the rights and privileges of being an adult. He is making every bad choice he can and then defending his positions with lies. He steals and hoards food and his weight is now a major issue. I may have to install locks of the kitchen to prevent him access. My plan is to withhold as much of his money from him as possible, so he can not go to fast food places after he eats at home. But that will only work if his father supports it…which means I am in for a daily battle as his father is an idiot.
The thing is, at least if I am here, I can mitigate some of his fathers bad decisions. If we are apart…then my son has NO chance whatsoever. But I am stretched very thin right now, almost to the point of breaking. I am in a nose to nose, toe to toe battle every single day without respite and am in a constant state of stress. I have zero tolerance for bullshit from anyone, since I have to deal with it every second I am awake and breathing. I have no patience for liars and insincerity; because that is the world I live in.
I am taking his personal attacks against me very personally. He is targeting me because I am the one who makes and enforces the rules. He hates the rules and so he hates me. His volatile moods shift instantly and after a meltdown he will come up behind me and act like nothing happened. Meanwhile my brain is firing fight or flight hormones through my system and it is all I can do to not scream at him ‘to get the fuck away from me’ while taking a bat to his head in what I feel, is self defence.
He has discovered he doesn’t have to ‘DO” anything and that no one can make him. He is not like a normal young man where you can implement ‘tough love’ and toss him to the street or even set him up in an apartment. He can and has been taken advantage of. His father is against placing him in a group home and he refuses to go now anyway. So the burden for his care has been dumped solely onto my shoulders.
Over the last two years, I have been practicing being apart from him; allowing the training I have given him, the skills I have provided him and his siblings to be tried and practiced. It has placed a huge burden onto his siblings as his father is useless in regards to his management. And that is basically the problem. Every second of every day, he has to be managed. You do not enjoy him or want to spend time with him. He acts horribly. He is offensive and he does not stop with the fantasy talk. Being around him is an endurance battle to not lose your mind.
His regression is a direct result of my trial, part time absences and his knowledge that no one can make him do anything unless he wants to do it; and he doesn’t want to do anything that is asked of him. You can not motivate someone who has no motivation factors. You can not punish someone who does not care about anything. Name the therapy, I have tried it. I am not going to one more behaviourist or Doctor; not participating in any more therapy. At this point, I am fighting almost every day, JUST to get him to shower, brush his teeth, wear clean clothes and use the toilet instead of soiling himself.
Every day I struggle with a 280lb, 6ft 3” toddler who is over tired and having a tantrum because they didn’t get their way. A toddler that once beat me up and choked me until I almost blacked out. Someone that calls me names and belittles me with all the vocabulary he has learned over the years, trying to piss me off so instead of challenging him and enforcing a task to completion, I get mad and frustrated and just tell him to ‘go away’ so he doesn’t have to do it. He pushes and pushes with the hope I lose control and give in to his demands.
I am sick of being in his constantly abusive presence and having to do this intensive parenting every single day. I hate providing palliative care to a capable but lazy person. I am tired of training, re-training, and having to do it non stop 24/7 and never having a break from it or being able to enjoy the results of my efforts. The alternative is for me to walk away and let him do nothing every day and have his father allow it. No matter how bad things are, that is a very hard decision for me to make because it’s basically giving up on your child.
Part of me thinks that after everything I have gone through, walking away now would be the ultimate in personal parental failure. But I am starting to think that it may be the only real choice available to me. His continued abusive actions towards me are untenable. Since he does not have the skills to leave and support himself and his father refuses to place him in a group home, it falls to reason, I am the one who shall have to leave. I have known that for years. But the situation right now is one of high stress, no rewards and it has left me battered, numb and exhausted.