crash dump system failure

My son is brilliant and has decided that he is not. He refused to provide any work for the teaching staff to grade in his final year. Therefore he did not get any marks to get into University or College. He is incapable of doing any Trades as he has no interest, is uncoordinated and exceptionally careless. Adding tools or heavy machinery to that is asking for disaster. When he is frustrated he now acts uncontrollably and immediately, so you don’t even have a chance to re-direct. He does not want to work and so he sabotages interviews to ensure he will never get hired.

At this point, if I ask him to assist with ANYTHING he flies into an abusive rage with unacceptable language. He will do what was asked, in the worst possible way, destroying things if he can and then stating “I asked for it”. I have stayed calm for the 14 hours it took him to mow a 30 by 40 ft lawn; stayed calm as he mowed over flower beds and trampled over newly transplanted gardens. Then I have taken him to the bank to repay me for the plants he ruined and then to pay me for the labour of having to re-do it a 2nd time.

He has regressed so much in the last 6 months, I truly fear for his future. He is back to being an angry and uncontrollable 8 year old having tantrums and unable to be trusted, with all the rights and privileges of being an adult. He is making every bad choice he can and then defending his positions with lies. He steals and hoards food and his weight is now a major issue. I may have to install locks of the kitchen to prevent him access. My plan is to withhold as much of his money from him as possible, so he can not go to fast food places after he eats at home. But that will only work if his father supports it…which means I am in for a daily battle as his father is an idiot.

The thing is, at least if I am here, I can mitigate some of his fathers bad decisions. If we are apart…then my son has NO chance whatsoever. But I am stretched very thin right now, almost to the point of breaking. I am in a nose to nose, toe to toe battle every single day without respite and am in a constant state of stress. I have zero tolerance for bullshit from anyone, since I have to deal with it every second I am awake and breathing. I have no patience for liars and insincerity; because that is the world I live in.

I am taking his personal attacks against me very personally. He is targeting me because I am the one who makes and enforces the rules. He hates the rules and so he hates me. His volatile moods shift instantly and after a meltdown he will come up behind me and act like nothing happened. Meanwhile my brain is firing fight or flight hormones through my system and it is all I can do to not scream at him ‘to get the fuck away from me’ while taking a bat to his head in what I feel, is self defence.

He has discovered he doesn’t have to ‘DO” anything and that no one can make him. He is not like a normal young man where you can implement ‘tough love’ and toss him to the street or even set him up in an apartment. He can and has been taken advantage of. His father is against placing him in a group home and he refuses to go now anyway. So the burden for his care has been dumped solely onto my shoulders.

Over the last two years, I have been practicing being apart from him; allowing the training I have given him, the skills I have provided him and his siblings to be tried and practiced. It has placed a huge burden onto his siblings as his father is useless in regards to his management. And that is basically the problem. Every second of every day, he has to be managed. You do not enjoy him or want to spend time with him. He acts horribly. He is offensive and he does not stop with the fantasy talk. Being around him is an endurance battle to not lose your mind.

His regression is a direct result of my trial, part time absences and his knowledge that no one can make him do anything unless he wants to do it; and he doesn’t want to do anything that is asked of him. You can not motivate someone who has no motivation factors. You can not punish someone who does not care about anything. Name the therapy, I have tried it. I am not going to one more behaviourist or Doctor; not participating in any more therapy. At this point, I am fighting almost every day, JUST to get him to shower, brush his teeth, wear clean clothes and use the toilet instead of soiling himself.

Every day I struggle with a 280lb, 6ft 3” toddler who is over tired and having a tantrum because they didn’t get their way. A toddler that once beat me up and choked me until I almost blacked out. Someone that calls me names and belittles me with all the vocabulary he has learned over the years, trying to piss me off so instead of challenging him and enforcing a task to completion, I get mad and frustrated and just tell him to ‘go away’ so he doesn’t have to do it. He pushes and pushes with the hope I lose control and give in to his demands.

I am sick of being in his constantly abusive presence and having to do this intensive parenting every single day. I hate providing palliative care to a capable but lazy person. I am tired of training, re-training, and having to do it non stop 24/7 and never having a break from it or being able to enjoy the results of my efforts. The alternative is for me to walk away and let him do nothing every day and have his father allow it. No matter how bad things are, that is a very hard decision for me to make because it’s basically giving up on your child.

Part of me thinks that after everything I have gone through, walking away now would be the ultimate in personal parental failure. But I am starting to think that it may be the only real choice available to me. His continued abusive actions towards me are untenable. Since he does not have the skills to leave and support himself and his father refuses to place him in a group home, it falls to reason, I am the one who shall have to leave. I have known that for years. But the situation right now is one of high stress, no rewards and it has left me battered, numb and exhausted.



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20 Responses to crash dump system failure

  1. loneyheart says:

    I have no ability to grasp the struggle you live in every day. I did not have a challenged child. Raising a healthy teen was hard enough with an emotionally and financially absent father. Your strength has gotten you this far. No one can decide what is best for you or your son except you. Wishing you all of the loving moral support in the world. Hugs.

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Holy shit… this is really bad. This kinda reminds me of my oldest grandson – a rare medical condition caused problems that resulted in some pretty noticeable brain damage not long after he was born and while he hasn’t been diagnosed as having Asperger Syndrome, I recognize a lot of my now-adult grandson’s behaviors in this writing. I know it drives my daughter and son-in-law totally apeshit because no matter what they do to correct his behavior, he always regresses back to behaving like he’s nine or ten and not like he’s 24. I do have to say that the fact that he lived was remarkable all by itself; his disorder, while rare, is usually fatal in the first year of life.

    I’ve talked to my daughter several times about this, helping her come up with ways to keep her son in line and he’ll do okay for a while… then fall off the wagon. I’ve had some long phone conversations with him and my daughter says they have helped some because, strangely, he doesn’t want to disappoint me. My grandson, while a legal adult, cannot be allowed to live on his own (and he wants to); whether putting him in a group home will help is unknown at this point – and he’s already said he’s not gonna go to a place like that.

    I guess one difference is that when he gets pissed and jumps in his mother’s face, she will put him on his ass really quick – she knows judo, karate, and tai chi – and even I have told him that if he puts his hands on my daughter again, he’s gonna have to deal with me – and he knows I’m way scarier than his parents are

    It’s a work in progress, Rouged, and even I don’t know if his issues will ever be resolved or how to get him to behave as expected.

    • rougedmount says:

      Your daughter sounds like she has things well in hand. It is impossibly hard on a relationship when you have a child who has issues.

      With my son, if I can get him on the treadmill or exercise bike, anything to expend a large amount of energy, it helps him dramatically. He broke the bike last year in a fit and refuses to go on the treadmill now. So my solution has had to be adjusted. This is day 1 so we shall see how it works. I have involved his father in a passive role. He is to wake him up and ensure he is showered and dressed by 7:30am because he is to drive him to his work with him. Then, my son can walk the 21 Kilometres home. He can take as long or as little time as he wants.

      The point is, he is out of the house, which gives me some respite and he is getting exercise. I am hoping that by Saturday, he will be in the right mindset to have another conversation about expectations and appropriate ways of speaking to people and that he will be grateful to be able to stay at home and do a few ‘chores’ instead of walking home in the middle of winter when the temperatures are -20.

  3. jayne says:

    I feel for you and wish I could help you. xo, J

  4. Being 'Her' says:

    Omgosh I feel your pain!! My daughter is 20 and from 15 until still she has been so so so hard. I am starting to understand animals eating their young. I’m kidding of course. But I’ve been in tears and in complete frustration, unable to do or care for anything else from sheer exhaustion trying to keep her calm and happy and walking on egg shells to not blow up.. everything (usually my things) would get destroyed when she was/is angry. It is so so hard. I wish we were real life friends… I can’t believe how much we have in common. Its so frustrating when she acts the way she does, especially when all my other kids are honor roll students, respectful and kind and outgoing. I raised her no different. Hugs to you, I know how very hard it is. Email me… I’m here, all hours.

  5. larryarcher says:

    There comes a time when you may have to accept the fact that nothing you do will make any difference and no matter how hard it is, to walk away. I have a friend who’s daughter got heavily into drugs as a teenager. She would disappear and her parents would scour the rough sides of town until they finally found her. She would stay a couple of days and disappear again. Finally, they said, this is destroying your mom and dad and we can no longer take it so you have a decision to make. The next time you walk off, we’re not coming looking. So when she disappeared, they did not look for her. She’s been gone for almost 2 years and while it has destroyed them, they are coming to grips with it.

    If you destroy your life and it makes no difference, what have you accomplished? You may just have to accept the fact that there is nothing you can do and turn him out to sink or swim. Sorry if I sound like Dr Phil but this is the one time I agree with him, tough love may be your only out.

    • rougedmount says:

      i agree in principal..but you can’t really abandon someone just because they have’s not like he is in full control of all his choices.

      • larryarcher says:

        Sorry, I didn’t realize that he was autistic and yes that will certainly complicate matters.

        One of my cousins-in law’s daughter was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and suffered brain damage due to oxygen deprivation during birth. She passed away at age 16 with the mental ability of a baby and had gotten extremely hard to deal with because she was full grown but had the mind of a baby and would strike out with a vengeance if anything bothered her.

  6. Your words speak of your pain and frustration so eloquently…hugs

  7. dievca says:

    Just sending energy. Positive energy to help stop your depletion. Good Luck.

  8. revealedwoman says:

    Goodness, I thought I had problems with my daughter.
    How old is your son? Being tall and powerful is very intimidating for you.
    Is there any way you could get him into a residential college?
    A very close friend of mine adopted 4 children, the eldest of whom has Aspergers plus other serious issues. This daughter also refused to wash and dress. Eventually, aged 21 and with the help of the public social services, her mother managed to get a place for her in a hostel and a job working with horses. She copes, someone keeps a broad eye on her and my friend no longer has to deal with the everyday trauma. But that’s over here and I’m sure there is little help for you available.
    I can only wish you strength and patience.

  9. Have you thought about getting him a caregiver? Someone you can pay with HIS money and take some of this stress off of you for a few hours a day? How about having him institutionalized for a little while? If he’s abusive towards you and you are trying to teach him consequences for his actions, that might be a consequence he understands?

    My nephew has Asperger’s, but doesn’t act out nearly as much as your son. He’s 13 now — I do not envy my sister-in-law as he gets older…

    I am so sorry for your struggles with this. I am sending you light and love ❤

    • rougedmount says:

      add hormones to the mix and things can become an issue quickly..the problem is the aspergers conflicts with the normal way you deal with teenagers .. and you are unsure whats attitude and whats ability.. it is a horrible few yrs.. if possible giving some respite to your sister would help her SO much in the next few years

  10. ContactRida says:

    the walking home idea sounds good, as long as he doesn’t have money for a taxi. hang in there. sending warm thoughts your way too.

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