words unsaid

I have a new follower and I have visited his blog. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I could barely read some of his words without feeling the old twist of my gut and have the harsh blur of tears filling my eyes with their salted sorrow. I imagined it was him, his words to me. That I had been followed by a man who meant so much to me and who I walked away from and here he was sending me a message that he knew this was me.

It’s not him, but while I read his words, voraciously consuming them, skipping and skimming to get the message before the content, I pretended that it was. I did not realize how much I miss him, how much I hold his memory just beneath the surface. I can’t move on because I am still holding onto him, blocking any attempt for another to come into my life.

It’s made me realize how hard it must be to move on once someone dies. How you hold onto the memory as your reality and sometimes it becomes an empty and lonely thing because you cling to a past instead of accepting the gifts of your present. I don’t want to be that woman. He meant so much to me, he protected me, forced me through what I could not bare to go through alone. And I remember why we were so good together; how easy it was, how simple.

And now I have stranger’s words impacting me like a physical blow with how much pain it brings to my heart because I miss the simplicity of what we shared. It makes me crave those words to be spoken to me, knowing that I am missed deeply and still loved, even though we both made other choices.

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9 Responses to words unsaid

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Sometimes you have to make other choices, to take what was so wonderful and set it all aside… and I don’t think you really ever forget those memories. In lots of ways, Rouged, you remind me of a woman I once loved so very passionately and the chemistry between us made love and sex so easy, so damned familiar, and so damned beautiful. She was starving, married to a man who had no imagination, no real passion in his heart and soul for her… but he’s a good man, a good husband and father.

    Duty required we part ways and over the intervening years, I thought I had purged myself of her… until she found me on Facebook and all those memories came roaring back. I cried, she cried and because when we were together, we learned something about love that neither of us could ever guess at. And even though I’m with someone, one of the hardest things to do is resisting that pull that brought us together in the first place, an attraction that our combined intelligence couldn’t prevent, let alone the love and, yes, yes, a million times yes, the lust that redefined the phrase “carnal knowledge” to us. If I could, I’d run to her right now… but I had to promise that I never would and I understood that.

    But you never forget a love like this – ever. I understand how you feel because you remind me of the woman who taught me to understand it.

  2. jasongrey39 says:

    I think we all want to know we are missed, it is soothing to the heart.

  3. Awwwwww! Sending you thoughts of comfort and lots of hugs.


  4. dragonfly918 says:

    Jesus. Another post pulled straight from my head and heart.

    I can’t even talk about my own married ex-lover that I had the misfortune to fall in love with. But you just said it all anyway.

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