sexual depression

My spouse has been groping me for a few minutes in the morning before he gets out of bed, to get ready for work. This way he ensures he doesn’t have to ‘actually’ do anything sexual with me. He ignores me when he has time available to actually be sexual with me. Evenings and week ends are taken up by him ‘being busy’ either actually doing something or pretending to, in order to avoid me and the potential to actually engage in sex.

It’s been three months since he was inside of me, and even then it was for less than 60 seconds. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if a man doesn’t have regular sex, he is not going to last once he does engage in sexual exchanges. I think I had that figured out by 16. The issue is once he cums, he is done, and certainly he is not going to touch me once he finishes with his own personal gratification, but worse is that he is done for weeks or months.

I am annoyed at the little groping game he plays. I don’t even want to address it with him though. I just can’t even be bothered as it won’t make a difference. He will take it as a reminder, notification that he should fuck me and get it over with, so I will get the 30 second of insertion then back to re-setting the time clock on being ignored again. I can’t talk about my needs with him anymore and that is what I find the most unusual. I have rinsed and repeated for our entire marriage and I don’t have anything left.

I started to write about it on the blog, and went “eh…why bother”. I stopped and moved on to something else, and then I started to actually think about how I feel about it. I am just so done playing his dumb game. Plus, I simply do not feel like playing any of my own. Yes, I could probably entice him to respond sexually by throwing out a suggestion that I was/am/will be fucked by another man, but WHY? All it does is to arouse him into Cumming quickly and not satisfying me at all, and I already LIVE like that. So why let him get any extra pleasure from the fact I have had/will have another man taking care of me sexually?

It’s been a year since the last time I had a knowledgeable man touch me and bring me to passion. It’s been a year since I was played with and consumed with the dedication of a man who loves a woman’s body and bringing her pleasure. It makes me sad that the wasted year of my sexual life being shelved was because I need to feel a sense of trusted friendship and kinship with the man I am with as opposed to simply using his cock as a personal and interactive dildo. I view it as a necessary evil, ‘liking’ the man who is inside of my body. Things would certainly be easier for me if I could just accept casual sex.

But then again, if I did, I would not be who I am and in spite of everything, I do like myself. I know I can not expect a man to magically appear simply because I have need of one. I am aware I have to put my availability out there and search for a partner who will accept a part time relationship where sexual connectivity is a priority but not the single thing that we have between us. The single problem I face, is that I am now suffering from an inherent distrust of a mans ability to be honest and it’s preventing me from looking.

I am swimming in the cold waters of a rough sea, half way between an island and the shore line, not sure I can make the distance to either side and not knowing which way I should go. Knowing I can not stay where I am and fearful to make a choice and then having it prove to be the wrong decision, once I waste the time, effort and energy to get to where I decided to. Staying where I am is wasting much needed resources and energy that would be better used by deciding on something, anything, other than staying immobile by fear and indecision.

Mentally, I got it. To be honest, I think I am getting to the point where my energy level is simply not there anymore. I have fought the battles so many times. Swam the distance, just to head back to the middle again, that I am losing my will to fight forward simply with the bright idea that “hope” will make it all worth while. I know it’s the depressive mood I am speaking with that is coloring my perceptions. But depression feels warm and comforting when I have been alone and cold for so long. It almost feels soothing to lose myself in its familiarity.

It whispers in my ear, that it’s okay to feel sorry for myself. That everything sucks and is unfair and I have been abandoned to my own resources because no one is capable of taking care of me like I am of myself or I that I am intrinsically unworthy of being loved and cared for. It pets me with venomous fingertips, slowly poisoning my reasoning and inner voice that speaks to all my positive traits. It leaves me with a false sense of security and feeling worse than I did before.

Depression is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself except you have to learn to live with it or to adapt to it, because you can never completely leave it behind, no matter how far away you go from it. It’s always having to be vigilant with yourself as depression seeps into your present mood as soon as you let your guard down. Depression is an opportunistic bitch.

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12 Responses to sexual depression

  1. amediablogger says:

    Is your husband open to couples therapy? Perhaps he has some issues going on that he’s unable to express to you.

  2. frankly1900 says:

    Oh dear, it seems the world is closing in on you. Yoga is great if you are feeling down. You do have a decision to make, with no easy path option. It will be your perception that determines your happiness as you travel through this period of time.

  3. jayne says:

    I had a wise teacher who told me once that it’s ok to feel bad, sorry for yourself, hurt and so on. She got in these moods too. She gave it 20 minutes and then took some action of some kind away or out of it. That advice has helped me cut ties sometimes so I don’t drown with the thoughts. I’m not saying this is a solution but it helped me address a problem and still have some distance between it and my sanity – my ability to gain strength against the issue. I am not pretending to have any solutions but where you are, is not an impossible problem to solve, it just feels that way. I know your thoughts here as if they were mine. All you can do is keep your face to the sun.

  4. emmiebear51 says:

    The depression is caused by your situation which causes immobility which causes depression which causes fatigue etc etc etc. I understand what you are going through because as I’ve said before, your story is mine. It’s so much easier to stay in the cocoon of what we know, isn’t it? I wish I had the solution for you, I don’t, but I just wanted to say I get it. I do.

  5. Jess says:

    I’m so sorry hun…wish I knew what to say in response. I relate to what you said about depression…it IS like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. 😦

  6. loneyheart says:

    those who have not lived there do not know the pain. A maternal hug from one who once lived in your shoes.

  7. j226 says:

    shit….I thought I was reading a page in my journal. My husband and I haven’t had sex in quite sometime and if I bring it up …nothing happens. The last time he even gave me any oral gratification was May 2013!!! He refuses to take any pills …. yeah he doesn’t get hard like he use to and well sex (when it happens) is beyond boring. Not like it use to be….. he’s totally fine with cuddling but I need more A LOT MORE!!!

  8. dragonfly918 says:

    God, have I been there. When you are nostril deep in shit and all you can see and smell is an ocean of shit. I can also relate to the fondling thing. Reading about it reminded me of when my husband wanted to touch me and I was repulsed by it.

    The following may be TMI and please dont hesitate to delete if you find it inappropriate

    You may think I’m nuts, but for myself, the very lack of sex causes depression and anxiety since I’m very highly sexual as you are. And reading that your last lover was a year ago…omg. I would be insane. Betty White said it best, an oldie but goodie, the best way to get over a man is get under another one. It doesn’t help if you are looking for an emotional connection obviously, but the needs of the body are met, and that’s half of it. We don’t always have to have an emotional bond with our food. 😉

    Also, causal sex was difficult only the first couple times. But now I find great freedom in having sex with a man I barely know, and I can’t be bothered to remember his name after. Why should men have all the fun in this arena? Hit it and quit it, as my cousin says. Of course having 2-3 men on bootie call is much more convenient than always having to look, and one man isn’t always available when you need him. (swing parties are fun too)

    I’m sure that many reading this would call me a callous slut, and that may be true, but I sure don’t care. I get what I need with the minimum of trouble, which by that I mean having to deal with other people’s emotional baggage and problems.

    Right now you seem to be in a sort of purgatory, in stasis, and that’s familiar ground to me too. The only advice for that, and take it or leave it, is deciding what you want and moving in that direction, even if it’s baby steps, even if it’s only mental: “I am going to just think about having a new lover today.”

    My heart is with you…

    • rougedmount says:

      omg…i cracked up “We don’t always have to have an emotional bond with our food”… loved it! as to people who judge? glass houses and all that.. good for you for being so wonderfully proactive about your needs! I would love to be as open..perhaps one day

  9. Ned's Blog says:

    This was like reading the female version of myself. And I’m man enough to say that. And also that I’d make a really ugly woman. My first marriage was a constant torture of head games and a lack of sensuality. I am a very physical person and appreciate the intimate curves, scents and sounds that make a woman who she is. I gave up that part of myself for almost 10 years after being told for most of them that there was something “wrong” with me for wanting that level of affection; I kiss in public, hold hands, whisper things — it’s just who I am. You deserve to be who you are and appreciated by someone who values those things about you. I’ve been remarried for six years now. When I help my wife with her coat, the last thing I always do is squeeze her tush. And she always smiles and says, “thank you.” I love that. And the fact that she doesn’t make me like there’s something with me for being that way.

    You deserve the same — and so does the man who can appreciate you.

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