I’ve been absent
Life get’s that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
While I normally have tons of material cached in the memory banks of my laptop, I have been suffering the inability to convert emotions to words and as a result, I have depleted my reserves completely.
Because I have done this dance many times, I know the battle I face is in momentum and I know you have to force the normality that does not happen unless I make it a choice and not an action.
I’ve been suffering from atrophy.
I have struggled to shape a formless mass of feelings not understanding or knowing what to call them specifically. It’s like someone dumped all the primary colors into a pot, resulting in sludge, a disgusting mess of color; rather than applying color in individual layers, like words on paper, individually beautiful or vibrant.
I am unable to paint either a story or a picture that is vibrant and bold, honest and real because my raw material is damaged.
The funny thing about depression is that you have no idea how deep it is until you finally fight your way out of it and look back at where you came from. The only thing you can do is trust the fact that it will eventually end, simply because it always has. Your frustration with the length of time it is taking to feel better, is actually a positive sign that you are aware that you are depressed and trying to crawl forward into normal again.
I am not looking for miracles or the sudden dawning of revelation type events. I simply want to feel again. I want to feel something besides numbness interspersed with sadness. At this point I am not even searching for joy, I would settle for peace or contentment. How about a sense of well being served with a side of pleasure for simple things?