undiscovered damage

A fellow blogger Hemmingplay commented on one of my posts, https://rougedmount.wordpress.com/2014/01/26/is-an-affair-worth-it/ and my reply ended up being quite lengthy, so I decided to enter it as a separate post.

When the primary relationship is devoid of loyalty, openness and trust, there can be no impact on something that does not exist. When little ones are involved, when children are involved ‘period’ I believe their interests and needs come first, even at the personal sacrifice of parental needs, as long as any resulting negativity can be mitigated so they do not see any impact of the adult decision to remain married in a loveless or sexless marriage of what amounts to convenience. Children do not need to be aware of everything that does ‘not’ occur in the parent’s bedroom.

I am not talking about an affair that is the result of pheromones and a rush of impulses that end up with carnal unions of people who have no ability to express self control. I do tend to be judgmental of people who are intrinsically selfish and place their needs for sexual validation above their children’s needs for stability. I believe it to be the height of hypocrisy that you try and teach values and morals to young children while not living by them. I have spent 27 years living in sacrifice, so people who fail to even place marginal effort into repairing a marriage when kids are involved, tend to trigger me into instant judgement of their situations.

If you have married and value frequent sexual expression as the single thing you can not give up under any circumstance, then you have no business being married at all if you can not be faithful, in spite of any reasons why your sex life may dissipate or disappear entirely. If you value being married more than you value a monogamous marriage, then you have to decide what you do when faced with infidelity. If you remain married to a serial cheater who is an opportunist or who may have had a moment of weakness and who has them frequently, then you are choosing martyrdom over marriage.

Being faithful for 23 years without effort was looking inward at my marriage and trying to solve its problems. Once I accepted the issues and problems with the marriage were not mine, it gave me the freedom for the first time to take responsibility for my own sexual health and needs, back from someone who did not value the gift he had been given. Looking outwards from my marriage, finally gave me the perspective to see it for what it truly was. It took another man, not the one I was married to, to show me that my perception of what I believed to be true, actually was. I had gained a clarity that was not possible before and it did not involve creating any issue for my children, friends or family by my filing for divorce, to do it.

You can be as open as you want with someone, yet if they do not believe what you say, to them it’s never been spoken or is a lie. It does not take away the fact that your reality is your personal truth. Broken trust can not be claimed by someone who gave you no trust in the first place. I do believe the vows say “love, honour and cherish” as opposed to “forsake, abandon and ignore”. The longer the latter is practiced, the easier it is to turn towards someone offering you a fraction of the first. I have spent the last few years speaking a truth that is not heard by my husband. Everyone else now knows and understands to a very small extent, but he is willfully ignoring me, the same as he always has.

My belief is that you protect your children and their future first and then turn to healing yourself. What was a negative is now a positive. I am fortunate in that I can do this all while staying married to someone simply because he does not see me or hear me at all. An affair may be the only source of comfort and support you have had in 25 years. If you have taken the time to dissemble your entire relationship and work at repairing the un-repairable, then this small respite towards the natural end of a marriage that should have ended years ago, had it not been for the children, is sometimes the saving Grace to a life given in service to your family.

I have been able to work at healing myself so that when the time does come for me to divorce, all of the hard work will be behind me and i can truly look to my future as being part of a couple where honesty, communication and sexual expression is wanted, practiced and sought out.

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10 Responses to undiscovered damage

  1. hispetra says:

    The hardest part is living together still while dealing with the breakup.

    • rougedmount says:

      exactly..because you have mentally changed..

      • hispetra says:

        Have I changed mentally? How so? Not sure if I am understanding your meaning clearly.

      • rougedmount says:

        its easier to live with someone before you realize you are not being treated well and fairly…once you understand, once you mentally change how you think, it’s harder to live with someone and pretend all is fine.

      • hispetra says:

        That’s interesting. I was just picking up my phone to tell a girlfriend that as much as I would like to help her, she’s probably better off asking someone else. Plus, I can find a fishtank on Craig’s List. (Inside joke.) I can unload all my baby stuff on Craig’s list too. I’ll settle up my lab and call it a night. I really need new friends. I’m tired of whiney people.

      • hispetra says:

        *tab*

  2. hemmingplay says:

    Beautifully expressed. I thought this was especially good:
    “…My belief is that you protect your children and their future first and then turn to healing yourself. What was a negative is now a positive. I am fortunate in that I can do this all while staying married to someone simply because he does not see me or hear me at all. An affair may be the only source of comfort and support you have had in 25 years. If you have taken the time to dissemble your entire relationship and work at repairing the un-repairable, then this small respite towards the natural end of a marriage that should have ended years ago, had it not been for the children, is sometimes the saving Grace to a life given in service to your family….”

  3. dragonfly918 says:

    I completely agree with you. Children ALWAYS come first. It is a privilege and a gift, not a right, to raise decent human beings into adulthood. Why have them otherwise? But people are damaged by their own parents and we live in a society of instant gratification where our personal feelings are paramount, regardless of the consequences to other people.

    Having said that, making the choice to meet one’s needs is a vital one. Sex is always viewed as something, especially for women, as something we shouldn’t really want, let alone need. Sexuality in women is a subject for an entire book so I won’t get into it here, but I also need sex as much as I need to eat, and being in a marriage for 30 years where I wasn’t fed for 15 of them without begging, was akin to abuse. I was incredibly faithful, by today’s standards, until I thought I was losing my mind. I finally had to end the marriage (not just because of the lack of sex–as it was just one symptom of his lack of respect and consideration. These things are never straight-forward) so I could live before I died. It takes courage to accept oneself for who we are, and then tell other people.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    • rougedmount says:

      “I finally had to end the marriage so I could live before I died.” I have said this almost verbatim for a few years now. it truly is a revelation that living is an option after years of neglect.

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