I dreamed him
I stared into his beautiful eyes, searching out and remembering every detail of his visage. It was the visual slaking a long denied thirst and I was so happy to be with him again. My hands traced the contours of his face and head, feeling the shape of his bone and muscle under the soft skin and slight abrasion of his facial hair.
I could feel him; his hands on my face and in my hair. I could hear him breathe and feel the heat on my skin. I leaned into his neck and could smell his unique musk. I surged with desire and need so strong that I cried out in my sleep and woke myself up. I laid there in the dark, eyes staring up at the dark ceiling, panting with heart pounding. Desperate with wanting to fall back asleep instantly and to that exact moment, so I could touch him again.
Feeling my throat tighten along with the tingle of tears forming in my eyes in my frustration that I was back in the reality of a night where he is not here. He will never be with me again; feeling the pain of that separation as if it were a fresh razor sharp cut across my thigh. Seeing the red, red blood form along the line to seep and pool before falling in a cascade of macabre art down my leg before my mind registers the horrible damage that’s been done to it and flooding my pain receptors with throbbing awareness that takes my breath away.
I closed my eyes and felt the scalding tears slide from the corner of my eyes and into my hair, burning my skin in cold trails of useless memory. I could still feel him, my brain still telling my confused body that I had just touched him. While I knew it was not possible, my hands felt warmed from his skin. The sexual arousal he brought was rampant in my heated body. My desolation, that he was gone, as real as when I removed him from my life a year ago.
I have come to terms with the knowledge that will miss him for the rest of my life. I will live with the understanding that time can pass and my life will continue but there will always be a part of him inside of me. He will always have access to my subconscious mind no matter how successful I am at getting on with my life or even eventually finding someone to share part of my life with.
My single wish is that I discover a man who can hold me when his memory comes and remind me of why he is in my past, so I can enjoy the present I have without him in it. One day I will be strong enough to start removing the stone wall I have protected myself behind. It’s bitterly cold and desperately lonely in it’s vast and far reaching shadow.