Guess why affairs work?
Because so much is missing in your relationship, that even the chance of getting caught doesn’t seem as bad as existing like you are.
Think about that for a moment…
You are sexually so disconnected from the person you should the most connected with, that you are willing to gamble every other single good thing in your life against escaping the overwhelming pressure of your life and lack of sexual release, as it is.
You have gone through years:” trying”, therapy, counselling, reading, educating yourself, trying to accept the sexual limitations imposed on you, focusing on; the kids, your job, the gym, paint by number kits or having the cleanest windows in the neighborhood.
In return, your needs continue to go ignored, even though you express them constantly. You go to bed sexually frustrated; you wake up even more sexually frustrated. You tell your spouse that if they want to improve your mood, then they can simply fuck you more often and you are brushed off, pushed aside and made to feel unimportant, unloved, unwanted and like less of a person because of it.
Everything ends up irritating you because you are in a constant state of frustration and denial. And if you hear one more person talking about holding hands and dancing in the kitchen or going on a trip for their anniversary, or getting a simple Birthday present or even flowers on a rainy day, then you just might end up punching someone in the throat.
An affair works because it gives you time to figure out what you want to go. It gives you time to plan and arrange for the physical separation because you feel like the emotional separation happened years ago. An affair gives you time to start the healing process from the damage your spouse has caused so you can get up enough strength to move forward into the next part of your life.
Strength they have smashed from your heart, mind and soul by their constant rejection.
Some people try so hard to make things work, that they end up staying years past the time they should have left. This means they have compounded their pain for such a long time, that it takes them longer to disengage and pull away from what they know and understand, even if everything about the sexual relationship ‘does’ suck.
It’s even harder to do when everything else in the marriage is fine.
Most normal monogamous, married people have a hard time coming out to their friends and family that they live in a sexually dysfunctional marriage. Most people feel like they are being judged for wanting to divorce because you never get laid. You feel like a sexual deviant when the reality is all you ever wanted was a fucking hug at the end of a hard day, to be made love to in a messy bed on a rainy Sunday morning, to have your hair brushed away from your forehead and be kissed then taken by the hand to sneak off for a quickie when the kids were consumed with sugary cereal and cartoons.
Affairs work because your partner has heard the truth of what you needed for so many years and has thrown it in your face as an un-achievable need that they don’t deserve the continued fidelity you gave them during the entire marriage, now that you are making your exit plans. They certainly have proved they wouldn’t believe the truth of why you were leaving, even if it bit them on the ass.
Yes, an affair is worth, if you want to re-claim some of your self worth so you can eventually divorce and be who you should have been, if you had an understanding, accepting and communicative partner in the first place.