Is an affair worth it?

Guess why affairs work?

Because so much is missing in your relationship, that even the chance of getting caught doesn’t seem as bad as existing like you are.

Think about that for a moment…

You are sexually so disconnected from the person you should the most connected with, that you are willing to gamble every other single good thing in your life against escaping the overwhelming pressure of your life and lack of sexual release, as it is.

You have gone through years:” trying”, therapy, counselling, reading, educating yourself, trying to accept the sexual limitations imposed on you, focusing on; the kids, your job, the gym, paint by number kits or having the cleanest windows in the neighborhood.

In return, your needs continue to go ignored, even though you express them constantly. You go to bed sexually frustrated; you wake up even more sexually frustrated. You tell your spouse that if they want to improve your mood, then they can simply fuck you more often and you are brushed off, pushed aside and made to feel unimportant, unloved, unwanted and like less of a person because of it.

Everything ends up irritating you because you are in a constant state of frustration and denial. And if you hear one more person talking about holding hands and dancing in the kitchen or going on a trip for their anniversary, or getting a simple Birthday present or even flowers on a rainy day, then you just might end up punching someone in the throat.

An affair works because it gives you time to figure out what you want to go. It gives you time to plan and arrange for the physical separation because you feel like the emotional separation happened years ago. An affair gives you time to start the healing process from the damage your spouse has caused so you can get up enough strength to move forward into the next part of your life.

Strength they have smashed from your heart, mind and soul by their constant rejection.

Some people try so hard to make things work, that they end up staying years past the time they should have left. This means they have compounded their pain for such a long time, that it takes them longer to disengage and pull away from what they know and understand, even if everything about the sexual relationship  ‘does’ suck.

It’s even harder to do when everything else in the marriage is fine.

Most normal monogamous, married people have a hard time coming out to their friends and family that they live in a sexually dysfunctional marriage. Most people feel like they are being judged for wanting to divorce because you never get laid. You feel like a sexual deviant when the reality is all you ever wanted was a fucking hug at the end of a hard day, to be made love to in a messy bed on a rainy Sunday morning, to have your hair brushed away from your forehead and be kissed then taken by the hand to sneak off for a quickie when the kids were consumed with sugary cereal and cartoons.

Affairs work because your partner has heard the truth of what you needed for so many years and has thrown it in your face as an un-achievable need that they don’t deserve the continued fidelity you gave them during the entire marriage, now that you are making your exit plans. They certainly have proved they wouldn’t believe the truth of why you were leaving, even if it bit them on the ass.

Yes, an affair is worth, if you want to re-claim some of your self worth so you can eventually divorce and be who you should have been, if you had an understanding, accepting and communicative partner in the first place.

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39 Responses to Is an affair worth it?

  1. Wow! That’s all I think I can say…

    While I feel for your situation, truly, there is always another side to every story…there are unrequited requests and love not received in many different forms that can ultimately lead to a situation where an affair is desired…by both the one desiring the affair and the one who, in your mind at least, has precipitated it. Not saying you’re not justified in having your needs met and wanting to seek that out…just…wow.

  2. emmiebear51 says:

    It’s like you have a window into my life….

  3. emmiebear51 says:

    Reblogged this on My Batty Life! and commented:
    A very interesting post from a woman whose blog I follow.

  4. ContactRida says:

    somewhere, somehow, humans were sold on the notion that relationships must be monogamous. where is this written? i am curious as to why monogamy is presumed to be the only option in a relationship.

    • kdaddy23 says:

      @Rida, monogamy became a ‘necessity’ when we – humans – went from hunter/gatherers to an agrarian society although the earliest place it was written was the Bible – do some serious reading of the Old Testament and check out “Sex At Dawn” – it kinda explains this better than I’m doing here; religion played into the necessity for monogamy to better insure perpetuation of the species and based on the premise that sperm was plentiful but eggs not so much.

      We know today that monogamy is not the only option; it’s just a continued behavior that’s been ingrained into us – it runs deep in many cultures around the world even though there are some societies that still embrace polygamy and polygyny.

      @Rouged, in ‘most’ cases, an affair is a better option than having to go it alone and more so when one is ill-prepared to go it alone; it’s better than staying in a sexless marriage and having to continuously suffer from that lack of physical and emotional affection and contact; of course, that depends on the situation and the reason why the affair is being undertaken. In your situation, it’s a good option; you get to keep the security of being married and since your husband has little or no sexual interest in you, you can turn to someone else for that and more so if he knows you’re stepping out at times and he hasn’t boiled you in oil to this point.

      But, as you probably know, the only person that can answer this question is the person thinking about having an affair. But there are other questions to be considered: Does the means justify the end? What are the risks, i.e., what are the gains versus that which one stands to lose? Do you have a plan in place to deal with the consequences of your actions or, whatcha gonna do if you get busted? How far are you willing to go to get that which you want and need? This last question might sound like it’s related to risk… but it isn’t; this is about how far one is willing to immerse themselves into the affair because a lot of affairs are an all-or-nothing proposition but because of the risks involved, a lot of people won’t wholly commit to the affair because the deeper they get into it, the more of a chance there is to get busted.

      Here’s probably the biggest question (in my opinion): Is the reason why you (not you) want to have an affair a real and valid one? I know people who have gone off the reservation and had affairs for reasons that, after further review, weren’t real and, thus, invalid; they’ve ‘created’ a problem that doesn’t actually exist.

      How do you know when the affair is worth it? I’d have to say that if you enter into the affair and handling your business but your life continues on as if you weren’t having it – there are zero problems anywhere – then, yeah, it’s worth it. But there’s the rub: You can’t really know if it’s worth it until you really do it; some people have the justification for an affair but at the moment of truth, they don’t have it in them to go through with it or they do it and, emotionally and even morally, they fold like a house of cards so, no, it wasn’t worth it. There is a reason why one should never start something they can’t or have no intentions to finish…

      Just my $5.00 worth on an interesting topic…

      • ContactRida says:

        @kdad- thanks for the reply. it still doesn’t make sense because one woman can only get pregnant once every 9 months. in 9 months, one man can impregnate hundreds of women. which scenario is better for the survival of the species? i say the latter but we see cases of that in kentucky and west virginia that would speak otherwise.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        @Rida, it doesn’t make sense… but it’s easy for us to say and see this today, not so simple back when the change was made. Today, many of us understand that it is very possible for us to have our cake and eat it and in many different ways, ways that monogamy not only seeks to prohibit but it also cannot compete against the diversity being non-monogamous can bring to a relationship IF people can get their heads around it… and most people can’t and this includes having affairs.

      • rougedmount says:

        …aaaaaaand youareloved…lol
        i firmly believe that if u have done all the work and finally make a conscious choice to cheat, when it’s a decision and not a reaction? THEN it is the right choice..
        i love that I just wrote that!..i am so glad i had the idea..lol

    • rougedmount says:

      its a relatively recent phenomenon you know..i say we revolt..hold a sit in..or on…

  5. Pink Woods says:

    Hmmm..have you tried reading the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman? Based from most of your posts.. it seems that your love language is physical touch. And your husband maybe speaking another kind of love language (unfortunately, it’s definitely not physical touch, maybe act of service, etc.?). Learning to know how your partner expresses his love for you may be helpful. Besides, if you’re speaking the language of physical touch and your partner doesn’t…he maybe feeling unloved too. 😦 He may have emotional and love needs that are unmet too just because both of you speak a different language.

    • @pinkwoods I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like this is helpful in this case. Even if her husband has a different “love language”, he should still be willing to have sex with her, when she has made it abundantly clear that she needs to get laid, period. Habitually withholding sex from your partner is neglect,and there is no reason anyone should have to live their adult life without sexual exploration and connection, regardless of their marriage vows. If her husband has needs that aren’t being met, and he communicated them to her, then you would say she is wrong for not trying to accommodate those needs, right?

      Same thing–even if this was about love languages, and hers is physical touch, then her husband, knowing that, needs to step up, or be prepared to handle the fact that she is going to get her needs met elsewhere.

      I also disagree that she should feel better just because her husband is probably showing her love in different ways. As a person in a marriage with mismatched libidos, I will say it is soooo much more complex than just “oh well, my husband doesn’t fuck me but I know he loves me because he brings me coffee, so its okay.” No. It’s not okay. Unlike the other love languages–words of encouragement, acts of service, etc, sex is actually a biological drive. It is not just about showing love, sex has so many other effects and benefits, and to some people it is absolutely vital. If you are a highly sexual person, without it, you will wither and die on the inside. No amount of bringing me coffee or drawing me a bath is going to take the edge off the fact that I am a sexual woman and I need that contact.

      • rougedmount says:

        ok… I seriously cracked up reading ““oh well, my husband doesn’t fuck me but I know he loves me because he brings me coffee, so its okay.” ..and the reason is because on occasion when i have been particularly annoyed about the sex with holding ,i have quipped something along those same lines. “you think because you built me a fire (wood fireplace) 10 days ago, that i ‘asked’ you to make for me, that equates with you doing ‘something nice’ for me?..uuhhh ..no. he doesn’t understand that it’s never happened…

    • rougedmount says:

      That is a very good point and I highly suggest people consider the type they are. Unfortunately, with a person with a narcissistic personality, the 5 Love Languages: verbal, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch…those things mean nothing. My spouse sees nothing beyond his world.

      • It’s funny you mentioned the 5 love languages…before I moved out, I was reading the book (again) and mentioned it to my husband saying “t’s such a basic yet effective way to understand how people view love. Isn’t that interesting?”

        He turned to me and said “not really.”

        There’s nothing one can say to such a comment.

      • rougedmount says:

        ..[closed mined]..it’s really interesting how far people go to pretend to be ignorant of needs clearly expressed

      • I became so used to it that I truly believed, even with all of my education, accomplishments, and skills, that I was inept at interpersonal communication. #gaslightedagain

      • rougedmount says:

        *hand smack to the forehead* because i know that position all too well. and i was almost painfully embarrassed to admit/acknowledge my position to others. their shock at the reality of my life made me realize how disconnected i had actually become from ‘who’ i actually was.

      • It is bizarre to me that intelligent women like us can find ourselves in the situation! I’m *still* shocked at my own disconnectedness and inability to realize what the hell abuse really is. I had a moment like this over the weekend when a long-time friend said to me “Oh Dharma, you do know that is abusive behavior right? You know that don’t you??” I stared at her like a deer in headlights because intellectually, yeah, duh; emotionally – not so much. I don’t even feel the pain of embarrassment. There are many things I haven’t quite “gotten” as of yet, but I’m not about to stop trying.

      • rougedmount says:

        its because we rationalize and compromise, we compartmentalize and forgive. we analyze and realize no ones perfect and so we try to teach and support others through learning…all the while not knowing , i mean REALLY not knowing, that some people are ‘not’ teachable. i still find that a hard concept to wrap my head around. it’s like their entire language, which i can see, hear, write and speak…all has different meanings, than what I am used to. continue forward into healing and understanding…i believe that i was not taught this level of understanding for no apparent purpose..someone , someday shall benefit

      • “some people are ‘not’ teachable” – I am having a hell of a time with this – I am an educator, a professor, a consultant – it’s what I “DO”…[my turn to slap my forehead]

        Thanks for the encouragement and insights. I benefit from wonderful blog pals like you every day. That’s because I *want* to learn…no, I HAVE to learn. That’s also what I “do”. 😉

      • Pink Woods says:

        I guess in that case, there’s really nothing that can be done… if he himself resist to change for the better of the relationship. 😦 You deserve so much better than that.

  6. daytightliving says:

    Yep. Pretty much. Thos who have been cheated on will not like this post. But anyone who has been in these shoes knows exactly where you’re coming from.

    I could have lived the rest of my life without sex. I really could have. My affair was not about sex at all.

    Granted, we now have the most incredible, passionate and also tender sex I’ve ever had in my life. because it’s born of complete trust and the utter lack of bullshit that accompanies relationships that start out in more ‘traditional’ or acceptable ways.

    I simply did not respect my ex-husband any more. I didn’t like him either. He was and is a lazy, selfish, disgusting, childish, greedy idiot. I was so alone and so unhappy. I couldn’t talk to him. He couldn’t understand me the way I needed to be understood because the gulf in our values was so incredibly vast.

    My affair partner, who is now my significant other, is the one I want to wake up every day with and grow old with. It’s wonderful and amazing that we have a very satisfying sex life. But it’s not what drew me to him. He made me feel not alone anymore. And now I don’t dread the next 10, 20, 30 years of my life anymore.

  7. Agreed. Unfortunately. Even after the affair I cannot find a way to be heard. It’s very sad and certainly no justification, yet that’s the way it worked out for me. At least I know I’m not hideous, horrible, and unloveable. Moreover, I also know that I am capable of love – which I began to doubt somewhere along the way because I simply stopped feeling anything at all.

    Dharma

    • rougedmount says:

      external validation is exceptionally important to the over all mental health of an individual. it helps to teach us that those issues are their own and not ours even though we carried them so long.

      • Exactly. Boy did I have a lot to learn about which issues belonged to whom…I’m really glad I pursued figuring it too or I’d still be taking responsibility for all kinds of shit that isn’t, in fact, MINE to fix. pfew!

      • rougedmount says:

        AND the absolute benefit of that is you fix your issues before going to someone new as a broken person who repeats mistakes. lessons learned that are priceless.

      • Oh resounding yes! I’ve even tried to explain this to H, of course to no avail. I can’t be the partner I want to be in any kind of relationship (colleagues, kids, parents, friends, whatever) unless I learn my lessons.

        Once you know, you know.

        Otherwise, the cycle of teaching will continue with rougher consequences until the lesson(s) are learned. They just keep comin’ back.

  8. iceman18 says:

    Wow, I’m not alone! Your post resonated with me and the marriage that I find myself in after 25 years. Was is me? Was it her? What lead to my affair and all the elements that follow.

  9. hemmingplay says:

    There are circumstances where an affair is perfectly understandable, even right and compelling, but still not the right choice. I don’t want to post the details here, but would like to get your take on it if you cared to spend the time.

    • rougedmount says:

      i greatly appreciate the sentiment and also agree with you that while understandable, right and compelling…an affair is ALWAYS the wrong choice. Unfortunately, for some it is the only choice acceptable from the list of options, that will result in the least amount of a secondary damage, if undiscovered. if a person has examined their options and know without doubt that over years of trying to resolve issues and being emotionally abandoned, sometimes this may be the right personal choice for them, at that moment. It is one they can accept living with for the rest of their life, without regretting. You may regret the circumstances that brought you there, but you never end up regretting the single thing that got you through it.

      • hemmingplay says:

        Yes. But damage done if undiscovered is real, if not as obvious as something that comes out into the open. It’s a complicated problem. Even if the affair is purely emotional, not physical, and whether or not the reasons are examined fully, it does affect the primary relationships by violating things like loyalty and openness and trust. If children are involved, especially young ones, it’s much harder to justify, at least in my opinion. It’s an ethical decision, and somethings sacrificing one’s own wishes because innocents would be harmed. One might regret the decision in one sense, but taken as a whole, may not need to.

        I’m referring to the ripple effects, on friends, children and the web of connections we all have to understand, in spite of the rush of impulse and emotional need. It may come down to deciding how selfish one wants/needs to be, because there is always collateral damage. As you say, it may be rational and can be done without regrets, but it’s never without consequence. And it’s never easy.

        I’m not being judgy about this, and had one devastating experience that gave me some insight. I eventually handled it so that I didn’t have regrets. But each situation is unique.

      • rougedmount says:

        … and that is the amazing thing about the human experience…we are all individuals with a variety of responses and needs…

  10. Pingback: undiscovered damage | rougedmount

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