Advice to a Curious Cuckold

When a heterosexual couple comes to the decision that they want to include another man into their life, the decision comes with a myriad of questions they may not have previously considered. The one I want to focus on at the moment is the HOW to find someone appropriate, to add to your sexual life to service your wife’s sexual needs, thus meeting your own as her husband who wants to experience a cuckold lifestyle.

The easiest way to do this is by using an online dating service. You ensure you place honest, accurate information about what you are looking for and a little bit of history as to why. You clearly define the role you expect the additional male to play in “your” sexual life, based on the conversations you have had with your partner. You come up with a “menu” of things you want from the male and then you write it down in the profile you are creating.

You provide a list of the secondary sexual characteristics that attract you to a man: everything from height and eye color, down to approximate shoe size and penis length. If you like a man with low hung testicles over ones that are high and close to the body, say it.  Paint the picture of the physical “type” of man you prefer. Then add the personality traits you find attractive. Remember that not all men who enjoy the lifestyle of servicing another man’s wife, views himself as a ‘bull’ with dominant characteristics. This is why it is so important for you to define his personality.

Once a man reads the physical list and personality traits, he will see himself in your words and initiate contact as he feels he meets the initial criteria. If he does not meet everything on the list, most men will immediately advise you of them and tell you why he feels it won’t matter that he does not meet them. Only you can decide if it would be a deal breaker or not. Does it matter if he is 5’10 instead of  6ft tall? Probably not. But would it matter if you said his penis must be 8+ inches and he was only 5.5? Definitely.

The ultimate decision on the man a couple brings into their sexual life, falls 100% to the woman, in my opinion. It is the ONLY way to ensure she is excited about him as a sexual surrogate for her husband instead of simply accepting him to please her partner. The difference in her sexual response to him, because of this, could mean the success or failure of the endeavour. Her body, her sexual appetite, her choice.

As the male partner, you can set up the profile and even filter many of the nonsense replies or replies from men who do not meet the minimum requirements, so that her time can be spent focusing on the men who DO attract her, so she can come to a decision faster, on the men she wants to meet. Once she starts going through the filtered list, you can do it together and this way you would learn a lot about your wife on ‘why’ she finds one man more desirable than another. It will make you see her quite differently as her choices become clearer. It will help you understand her better.

I can not stress enough that it is your job to ensure her safety. So you make sure that when she meets a potential lover, you are close by, but not with her. You want HER to decide on his suitability and she has to be free to do that without initial interference from you. Even if she says she want you there, I do not think it a good choice as the entire dynamics change and it’s not conducive to the end goal of finding a sexual partner …so I really feel it best she meet him alone.

Only the couple can decide on the type of man they want.

  1. A single man with no encumbrances will normally have a place to play. Perhaps he is focused on his career and has no time to date traditionally but he desires a sex life. Or he is single by choice as he prefers the role of being a sexual surrogate to another mans wife and has not found a woman who will accept that in their own relationship.
  2. A newly separated man. He will normally not have a place to play as he may still even be in the marital house. He may have been in a sexually dysfunctional relationship for years and they have just started the process of separation, so he feels he can look for sexual partners. But he is at an emotionally vulnerable place and does not want to risk involvement with anyone that may be expecting anything emotional to develop, in the case of traditional dating.
  3. A divorced man will have his own place to entertain and his availability for sexual liaisons may be based on when he has his kids. He is normally tight financially and may not feel he has the resources to date traditionally. He may be in a period of experimentation and checking things off the bucket list after years spent in an unfulfilling marriage. Sexually he is not ready for monogamy or traditional relationships. He wants a steady sexual partner simply so that it frees up his time for his kids and to get his life back on track without the expectation of spending time with someone outside of the bedroom.
  4. A married man can make an ideal choice as an addition to a couple’s relationship ‘provided’ he is there to meet YOUR needs and not simple his own. I find this is a very important differentiation. It also depends on your comfort level as a couple, but it is my position that if you are stable enough to try this lifestyle then you want someone stable enough to support your choice’s as a couple.

If a married man makes the difficult decision to stay married and have his basic sexual needs met outside his marriage, because of his wife’s inability to accommodate him, then that is between him and his partner and has no place inside of the cuckold relationship you are developing. If his circumstances change while he is part of your sexual life, then you have to trust his communication style and ability to express to you why he wants to either adapt what you have or end things amicably. It needs to be clarified from the outset that his simply fading away, is not an option.

Personally, I believe a married man who is a serial cheater is not an option for a cuckold relationship. He will always be looking for his” next fix” and exposure to him and his lifestyle puts you as a couple, in danger, both in regards to STD exposure and emotional damage. A married man who has ANY issue with addiction; whether it is alcohol, drugs or sexual addiction … is not an option. The reasons are self explanatory. It is highly important you listen to your inner voice and gut feeling when it comes to perception of a potential partner.

A married man who is committed to his partner and has a sexually dysfunctional relationship with her, is ideally the best match for myself, simply because we share a similar thought process in regards to commitment to our partners, family and social circle. In effect, you are providing something to him, a sexual experience he is not getting at home that enables his marriage to continue functioning, even if it is at a dysfunctional level; and in return your relationship blossom’s as you share an open and honest sexual communication that allows for sexual freedom and needs to be met.

Choosing a man in the same socio-economic group and family make up, as you are in, helps to ensure you are on the same page as far as  experience goes. You both understand each others ‘real life’ positioning as you both experience it at times. His time is limited due to his work and family obligations, the same as yours is, but he is taking the time for himself to have a simple basic need met. He normally will NOT have a place to entertain, though as trust develops you can expose more and more of your real life to each other and even decide to open up each others homes to each other for this purpose.

A married man who is involved with a couple on a friendship basis that is also sexual, will gather very little suspicion from friends or neighbours because most people do not think about the sexual life that may be occurring behind closed doors. It is not unusual for a male to visit a couple or a couple to visit a man at home. You are hidden in the open by the normality of the visit. You can have a friend or simply keep it sexual…it really is only defined by what YOU want and decide.

If you take your time and choose well initially, then you are well set to enjoy a long term, part time, sexual relationship with someone who you like, admire and trust; someone who becomes part of the fabric of your sexual history in such a way that it enhances who you are. Once the hard part is done, in choosing, then it really is simply a matter of getting to know each other and then grow from there what you need them to do, in order to enhance your sex life.

Open communication is VITAL between all three of you for this to work. If it is not working for the husband then he has 100% right to have things end and under NO circumstance can he ever, ever, ever use this decision to include another man in your sexual relationship, as a future weapon against his partner. He is to be treated as a ‘former lover’ or simply as a living dildo with NO merit into how your primary relationship works. He can be assigned no blame for anything that occurs between the two of you, as he was INVITED into your life. You went looking for him…remember that.

Finally, ALWAYS demand STD testing and provide your own paperwork BEFORE any sexual contact. Play safe, use condoms 100% of the time. Do not trust that he is sexually monogamous to you because the ramifications if he isn’t, are simply too big to ignore. Only time will tell if he can be trusted with your sexual health and at that point you can make a decision if you want to go bareback during sex with him.

Just because you decide to do this once, doesn’t mean it has to ever be done again. But my belief is that once you DO make that choice and make the effort into embarking on this type of cuckold relationship, making it viable means awareness that you should commit to it for at least 6 months. This enables you to form a clear picture of if it works for you as a couple and it gives you time to not just adjust but adapt to those changes this will bring into your marriage and relationship.

If you just do it once, then it will not give you the true experience that you have spent so much time ensuring the dynamics would work successfully and would be no different than just picking someone up at a bar to hook up with. It doesn’t have to be a cheap and tawdry experience …unless you are into that and if that’s the case then discount this entire post, slap on some thigh highs and heels after you get your Brazilian and get out there and have fun.

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12 Responses to Advice to a Curious Cuckold

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    I have to tell you, even though this type of relationship has no real place in my life, I always find your pieces fascinating, well explained and insightful. The care you take in explaining different aspects of decision making, the possible consequences and benefits, and personal experiences is a rare combination. There’s always something to learn or understand. Thanks for sharing that.

  2. play613796 says:

    This should be a “must read” for any couple who is seriously considering entering into this kind of lifestyle. What you describe is a very meticulous but necessary way to approach so many of the important questions involving this decision. Thank you for sharing your insight on this fascinating topic.

  3. larryarcher says:

    I would like to throw in a couple of comments. (1) Always meet a prospective partner in a public place that you can bail from if you decide that it’s not going to work out for any reason. It’s a lot easier to walk out of a bar than kick him out of your house. (2) From what I’ve seen in swinging, be cautious around a single guy with no existing love interest. You have to question why he doesn’t have a significant other as there might be a good reason. If you are happy in your relationship except for the sex then you may get into a situation where he may fall in love with you or you him and you might bring another set of troubles on yourself. One of the reasons we swing is that you are getting together with someone for a brief period for sex alone and nothing else. Certainly you have to come to grips with the fact that you’re simply fucking this person and cannot rationalize it as a love affair or something more lofty. This is one of the reasons we like married people as they are less likely to become infatuated and less likely to brag to all their friends.

    • rougedmount says:

      i do want to stress that it’s okay to develop feelings for someone..its quite natural and normal if u are involved with someone over a longer period of time. the real work comes from understanding the place those feelings hold… always a secondary position to your partner…

      • John Smith says:

        I couldn’t agree more! I know that my wife has developed some level of “feelings” for all of the lovers she has had (not all the men, but definitely the ones that were long term). My wife requires some kind of emotional connection to really enjoy the experience.

      • rougedmount says:

        i truly think to be completely disconnected would require a level of psycho pathology i simply do not have. being able to compartmentalize is fine..but not disassociation…(thanks for the comments! enjoy the blog)

  4. Pua Nani says:

    have you initiated this process with your husband? I hope you’ll share about what happens! Love your personal stories

  5. Anonymous says:

    My wife and I often talk about the cuckolding life style, after 23 years of marriage we have decided to try the life style out, we are going to book into a hotel in a few weeks time and see how things go. We are not arranging a meeting with anybody. We are just letting my wife flirt with a male that takes her eye and see what happens, if we find that the guy is interested I we both will encourage things to develop, Thank you for the advice very helpful.

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