I have been thinking a lot about a fellow author and his wife, who he blogs with, in the last week. My accidental discovery of his blog in September has played a pivotal role in how my thought process has changed, is changing, in regards to my relationship with my husband. I feel like after years of being mired in mud, that after following his blog now for these past few months, I have for the first time, in years, actually gained some traction and there has been forward progress in my marriage.
I thought I had tried everything, in regards to ‘fixing’ issues my spouse had when it came to matters of a sexual nature. The biggest failure I can determine as to why they did not work for me initially, is that while I may have ‘tried’ I did not understand the thought process behind them. I neither appreciated the commitment I needed to devote to it nor did I truly understand the reasons why my commitment to the new normal, was imperative to its success.
Plus, on a larger scale I neither believed, accepted nor wanted ‘my role’ in the type of relationship that would work for my spouse. While I am making it work, it is working; I find that I am fundamentally opposed to how it makes me feel on many levels. I am responding to my husband’s basic sexual need and in turn I am being rewarded by a sexual relationship that has somewhat increased in frequency. It comes no where close to meeting ‘my’ needs but I can not deny it IS progress.
Lucky for him, I am a sexual chameleon and can acclimatize to the needs of the man I am with and reflect his exact desires back to him in a manner that is authentic and real. I become an exact model of his sexual fantasies and make it seem as if it is my actual nature, as opposed to something contrived and to which I have adapted to. The only actual problem, is that in providing for his sexual needs I give up my own, and that was not something I have been able to do, graciously, over the lifetime of our marriage.
I finally feel like I understand why the traditional form of sexuality inside a relationship does not work, after 27 years of marriage. Why monogamy to someone who is not your sexual match, simply can not work, even if you compromise to make certain aspects of it work. I know why it’s not sustainable for me and it makes me realize how some relationships would then be vulnerable to an affair years before anyone actually understood the reasons behind why it happened in the first place.
My husband is a cuckold; though if you were to ask him he would deny it vehemently. I believe the pathology of how he became that way was a combination of things: youngest child very close in birth age to his siblings; an uneducated and over bearing mother; heavy involvement in male-centric sports, all resulting in no sexual involvement as a teen and finally meeting ‘me’ and having me pursue him until he caught me, regardless of how he may have felt about the matter.
I truly believe that the version of me he met and fell in love with, laid the final groundwork to him being a cuckold. Looking back at how our relationship started, I really did not give him any chance whatsoever to tell me a sexual relationship between us was not an option. I wanted him, I meant to have him and his opinion needed to come to terms with my desire to have him sexually. He was and is the complete package of what I find sexually desirable in a man, at first glance.
To say that I was very demanding would have been an understatement. I was sexually experienced and had been very sexually active from a very young age. When I met my husband for the first time, I was overcome with the need to have him in my life. I could neither stay away from him nor explain my instant reaction to his presence. He was a 6’ft 4 260 lb, mass of solid muscle, wide shoulders, massive thighs, high tight ass, thick dark hair and beautiful green eyes. To say he was attractive, in the most deliciously masculine male way, would be accurate. I lusted for him instantly.
Yet I also felt like I had just met someone I had always known and I could not stay away from him. I needed him immediately more than I had ever imagined needing anyone. It was love and lust, remembrance and acceptance, all at first sight. Meeting him was a physiological and emotional memory and it burst over me during the exchange of our very first glance. It actually took my breath away and the friends who were with us when we met, all saw it and remarked on it. It has only ever happened twice to me and this was the first time.
I should also mention that when I met my husband, how I looked may have been a major factor into planting the seeds of for him being a cuckold as well. I was on the varsity soccer team, was very athletic and I had a perfect bubble butt and incredibly perfectly muscled thighs and calves. My waist was 18 inches and my breasts were an enormous 34 GGG . While I am only 5ft 2, my measurements looked like I was a manufactured, sensual doll. Not only did I look like the fictional cartoon character Jessica Rabbit, I moved like her. Gracefully movements, throaty feminine bedroom voice that distracted men and women alike.
The male attention I generated just through the routine of my day, was enormous. I could never get away from the attention and my tom boy abilities combined with how I looked, made me the center of attention no matter what I did. There had never been a time I could remember that men had not wanted me and that how I looked was not an issue for how other women perceived me. I was a powerfully sexual looking woman with a reputation created from the misconceptions and rumours spun from jealousy and I focused all of that onto a man who had no experience or method to deal with me.
I am sure that in his mind I was a voracious sex kitten who was being satisfied by multiple men and had chosen him to add to my stable as a permanent partner. He was never jealous of the attention other men gave me, which was signifigant; I can now see it aroused him to be in possession of something they had wanted or may have had. Besides our youthfulness and natural vigor, I am sure now that this was the driving force behind our incredibly satisfying sex life.
His male competitiveness to keep me satisfied was triggered every single day from the simple fact that other men continued to pursue me heavily, even in front of him. This is something that my fellow blogger talks about in detail on his blog “lovesmallpenis” and it’s what finally triggered me to think about how my own marriage actually formed, back when everything worked for us sexually, for the first 5 years we were together.
I have been incorporating many things I have read about in his blog, over the last few months, into the day to day mechanics of my marriage. Most have worked to invoke change like I have not seen in the relationship before though some have failed hugely and resulted in set backs. The biggest challenge I face with him is communication. He will not speak of ANYTHING of a sexual nature…ever. I get no feedback or acknowledgement from him in anyway that this is what he wants or needs.
I simply base my success or failure on his immediate reaction and subsequent moods to what I have said or done. I do not agree with this in principle. To be honest I abhor it and resent him for making me try and figure his sexual needs and desires out on my own. Because it pisses me off, there are times where I am looking to trigger his reaction, any reaction, and I have said things I would have previously considered mean and then I end up getting a sexual reaction from him. This would have confused and upset me, had I not had access to the road map Steve’s blog had provided me with.
When my spouse starts making excuses as to why there will be no sex or intimacy that evening, starting at 2 pm; going on about how tired he is going to be tonight and how he is going to go to bed early or how he has a big day ahead of him tomorrow, one of the things I have quipped as I go about preparing dinner or cleaning or what ever it was I was doing is, “I don’t need to hear your lame excuses for choosing not having sex with me, I don’t care since I spent all day yesterday fucking another man, anyway. I’m good”. BOOM…all of a sudden he is now interested in sex.
I advise him in a variety of ways that his sexual services are no longer needed, as I have been taken care of already. I ask him if he can massage my ass and thighs as they are sore from being so deliciously used from fucking another man, who was very well hung, for several hours yesterday. I ask if he can you rub my shoulders and neck because they are tired from giving a man with a huge cock an hour long blow job earlier that day. It doesn’t matter what I ask him for, I try to turn it into a sexual reference as to why I am looking for something non sexual from him. It is amazing that it is working.
I think the responsibility for solely satisfying me was too much of a burden for him to carry and so he withdrew from the role entirely. When he believed himself to be simply a selection I added from the ‘a la carte menue’ of men I obviously had at my beck and call, he was happy to think that his inclusion met some of my needs, not all of them. Once he felt the weight of commitment to be my singular source for pleasure, I think he felt overwhelmed simply by virtue of my sexual nature.
Once I started openly responding to, acknowledging and stating my reasons for being absent from home, it seemed to have triggered his competitive streak in that he is paying more attention to me; he is being more present in my life and being more intimate even though he is mostly incapable of being more sexual. I am allowing him to service my non sexual needs only, allowing him to be denied sexual gratification, allowing him access to touch me non sexually when he chooses to, all without making demands on him that he service the arousal he generates in me sexually because other men are doing that for him. I let him know it and he seems to like this.
The fact was that when I ‘was’ being taken care of sexually by another man (which was over 10 months ago), my husbands touch did not piss me off. It pissed me off because it aroused me and I knew he would not take care of my sexual needs and that would lead me into a horrible state of frustrated arousal. Yet, if I had spent 6 hours in bed with my lover and had cum 10 times, my husbands touch later that day was welcomed, as I no longer was looking for it to be a sexual encounter, as my needs had been met that day.
This idea that your sexual needs can be taken care of by a man who is not your husband, is a very hard thing for a monogamous and faithful woman to wrap their head around by the way. It’s not what I signed up for when I married him because I find my husband very sexually appealing. He is a constant source of arousal for me and so to not have him touch me sexually, triggers a constant series of emotional baggage to be thrown under my feet, making me stumble as I try to negotiate my way around them. Plus it makes me resent him. I feel cheated out of the sexual marriage I feel I was promised based on the first 5 years we were together.
So, even while I journey forward on a path of him being a cuckold, we do not walk together sharing the experience. We may be walking in the same direction, heading towards the same destination, but we are not on the same path. This is HIS sexual journey, even though he is in denial about it, and not mine. Mine lays ahead of me at a crossroads to his. What I need from sexual interaction with a man is fundamentally in opposition to what he can give to a woman and at this point I wonder if it can be complimentary or if it has to be separate.
The lack of communication in my marriage has been detrimental to the sexual honesty a successful relationship needs to thrive. If being a cuckold excites you then you have to be honest with your partner and provide her a map of things to do, say and experience so she understands your commitment to the marriage and to have your sexual and emotional needs met by the person you have created a life with. If she feels you are withholding from her, she will not trust what you are telling her in regards to seeking pleasure elsewhere. It will be viewed as a marital kamikaze move towards future divorce.
Most women are intuitive and know something is not right sexually if you are withholding a large portion of who you are, even if they can’t pinpoint it. Though some are completely clueless and want to remain that way. Most will do anything they feel is necessary to make their marriage work and that begins with a discussion about needs. By not giving them an opportunity to speak openly, by refusing to communicate, you are doing the marriage and the woman a disservice. Your spouse is the single most important person in your life and this IS the type of thing you need to trust them with.