rocks and hard places

i tend to like strong masculine men
tall in stature and wide of shoulder
men who are capable and educated
i like men who are givers in bed
ones who can control themselves sexually
Yet are still not only demanding
but love their dominant, pleasing role
a man who likes to do little things
romantic and thoughtful to make me smile
i need a man who can commit to communicate
someone who gifts me his valuable time
while respecting my own as well
i am normal, stable, sane and sensual
i want an emotionally vibrant relationship
as well as a sexually rewarding one
its important for me to choose the right man
who would want an affair for similar reasons
compatible with my marital situation
and commitment to stay with my family
but that would require actively looking
searching for an affair partner
and as much as i have the need to cheat
i find i am lacking the desire to look
i wanted my husband to be my lover
yet i was forsaken and abandoned so often
in so many ways, not just sexually
that it’s made me too afraid of repeating mistakes
and trusting him to not do it again in the future
i don’t know how to reconcile staying faithful
to a man who has been trying to repair things
when he is unable to incorporate a sexual component
into the stable friendship we coexist in
i am uncomfortably positioned, mired in indecision
stuck between the soft penis i have
and the hard cock i need to be happy

This entry was posted in Affair, Sex and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to rocks and hard places

  1. mckismeisreallyme says:

    on point!

  2. sarecover says:

    Word.

  3. tlcoles says:

    This is sexually irreconcilable. The rest doesn’t have to suffer. But you’re not “cheating” if he knows. At least not in the typical sense. His agreement to “don’t ask, don’t tell” means he’s acknowledging that this is hard but necessary. (This is the situation, right?!?)

    It’s important now that you move forward with the strength of your convictions. No more of the “soft, small penis” complaints. See the end of blame.

    See too that there are PLENTY of others in the same situation. There’s even specialty websites to answer the need. (I know because I used one when I was in your situation and did find someone who, like me, didn’t want to leave his marriage.)

    So know that what you’re doing is how you’re both saved to enjoy the other parts of your marital and parental vows. Move with it already!

    • rougedmount says:

      …lol…i am struggling more than i should be – i know it. i know i need to ‘move on with it’…i just really believe that it will happen once i am ready and obviously i am not ready or i wouldn’t be struggling so much… part of me feels my marriage is in transition..i just don;t know what direction it;’s taking and it’s a rather disconcerting feeling.

      • tlcoles says:

        Unless you have fortune-telling talents you haven’t told us about, you’re in the same situation as any other human of having to take risks with the unknown. What *is* known — about forced-chastity in this case, abuse as you labeled it — has to be the driving force that launches you past the worries, anxieties, and limited set of expectations. But you won’t know that until you untie yourself from “what has been” to seek out “what could be.”

      • jayne says:

        Hey Rougedmount, tlcoles says it pretty clear. I think that the mental step between where you’re at and where she is, is you having a healthy sense that what you want is simply possible. It is definitely deserved and necessary for you. I believe and feel that I myself have worn similar feelings like a wet suit for a long time. I intentionally changed the words I thought and my perspective little by little by thinking with different words. It sounds incredibly shallow and trite but it is key to change. My old self needed to hear my new self to feel what I knew and then to act on it. It’s a process. I think you are getting there just by what you wrote. xo, J

  4. eriklehman says:

    *wink* I feel the same, in the opposite condition; in need of a welcoming soft place I am… It is a tough situation, especially when you care.

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