My struggle with intimacy with my spouse has been over 25 years and so different things I write about may be distant history. I do want to clarify something though: I am ‘rarely’ upset by our disparaging sex drives any longer. I have moments just like anyone else, but it really is a flare up that dissipates after writing about it and very rarely do I actually show my frustration to him or for any length of time, unless it is something relatively big on an issue I have made clear I do not want breached.
I learned over the years that he has a right to his sexual identity and appetites, the same as I do. I learned that he has the right to expect to live in a house with someone who does not make sexual demands of him and not hold his lack of a sex drive against him. His need to show the world he is a married man with a family is all he wants. His sex drive dictates release every 3 months or so and his preference is to use a woman’s body for this without the exchange of reciprocation.
Our sex drives are not now, nor have they ever been compatible. His inability to pleasure me stems from much more than his small penis. I have told him many times over the years that if he simply used what he had, then everything would have been fine. I have even said things like “it’s not fair the kids think I have mood swings when in reality it’s just that I am sexually frustrated from you neglecting me and my deciding to stay faithful to you and accept your lack of sexual attention”.
After 15 years of trying to ‘fix’ things and be supporting, it’s only been the last 5 where I have started to take responsibility for my own body and have my needs met. It has been the most complicated journey I have ever had to take. In my core, I value and believe in monogamy yet it simply does not work in a relationship where sex drives are so greatly different that when you compromise all you can, you still fall far short of where you can live in acceptance of where you are.
I am not okay with laying under a man for 30 seconds to 3 minutes, 3-4 times a year and call that a sexually fulfilling life. I am not okay with never being kissed or touched sexually except when my body is being used during those brief moments he needs to ejaculate. This is his sex drive and this is his sexual needs being completely met inside of a marriage. This is all he wants or needs and to ask him for more makes him upset or angry. Yet, this is the sex life he expects me to remain faithful to.
Demanding he give me more than he is capable of sexually, is no different than asking me to be happy to accept less than I need. He will not compromise on this. I can not force him to get hard or stay hard, I can not force him to last, I can not force him to give me sexual attention. I can not make him pleasure me until I orgasm. It falls on me to make the sacrifice of my sexuality if I choose to stay married to him.
When I speak disparagingly about his penis size, it is because I am completely frustrated; not just by his small penis but by his small attitude. I DO judge him for it. Just like I judge ALL men who are selfish in bed and fail to appreciate a sexually open and viable woman who is sensual and receptive to anything and everything he could ever want or imagine as a sexually healthy partner.
I am a fucking Goddess of earthy delights who adores the male form in ALL its amazing shapes and sizes and he could care less what he has. He is using this priceless vessel as a chamber pot to shit in and it both horrifies and disgusts me in my bad moments. I have had to struggle to realize that MY worth to him is not as a sexual partner and therefore he simply does not see or care to see the sexual aspect of our marriage.
I resented that for a very long time. It took me years to work through the damage that rejection creates in a woman’s heart. I had to accept his choices as his own and not as something that diminished me. If he could not live up to his ‘manly duties’ as I saw them and he would not accept the inclusion of another man in my life who could stand as a sexual surrogate to him, then what choice was I left with? Divorce; so I could include sex in my life or taking a lover, so I could keep the marriage, give my spouse the sexual life HE wanted AND provide for my own sexual needs.
Who would have thought that cheating on your partner would have been the solution to giving him exactly what he wanted? The ONLY downfall is that he EXPECTS me to live with his diminished sex drive and remain faithful without my needs being met. He expects that I compromise and accommodate his sex drive. Well, I compromised for 22 years, remained faithful and accepted no physical or sexual relationship. So now it’s MY turn. He either accepts it or he can divorce me over it. This is exactly the choice he gave me and I hand the decision back to him.
And YES, I have said it to him exactly like that. I have no rage at him or the situation any longer though I do still struggle with my personal need for monogamy. I thrive when I can sexually focus on a single man. As my comfort level and trust deepens so does my ability to be sexually expressive with him. I do not require multiple partners; I get no sense of sexual excitement from including new persons into my sexual life. For me, that surge of lust comes from knowing someone and remembering what they do to me and what I will do to them.
In my heart and mind, I believe that if you love someone you want what’s best for them and that you are willing to do anything possible to ensure their needs are being met. I know that if I was left sexually unable to give myself to him and he needed sexual gratification, I would happily have given him the permission to find sexual release elsewhere. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship and we do not have it in our marriage.
I provide lectures and make statements, as any conversation we have is completely one sided up to the point he can get away from me so he doesn’t have to hear it. For years I allowed it, respecting his need to digest what I said. But as the years went on, I learned that’s not what he was doing. He used running away as an avoidance technique. He never had any intent on listening or implementing anything I talked about as something that was important to me at all. That was a bitter pill to swallow.
Then I chased him to make him listen and we would have heated arguments where he would refuse to stay on topic. He did not fight fair and many times would make me feel like I was crazy and it made me doubt myself and what had actually happened. It got to the point that I became confrontational on anything he said that was a misrepresentation of fact, just so I could point out to him how often he actually lied. Of course he denied it all and I could not make him see what he was doing.
The only saving grace was that I had been keeping a journal for years and so I had something to look at to verify the truth of what I was saying. It gave me a platform to stand on in realizing that he was more troubled than I had ever imagined him to be. THIS was the moment that things started to change in the relationship and I started my journey to discover what exactly his issues were as opposed to trying to get him to acknowledge that there were issues with the marriage.
Years of counselling and therapy occurred and after 1-2sessions he would bail and I would continue. I went back to University and took classes: psychology, women’s studies, religious studies, family studies. Some of the most effective classes that I took in managing my marriage were business classes and Human Resource practices on how to effectively deal with difficult employees.
Once I accepted his sexual issues were HIS and that there was nothing I could say, do or learn that would possible change his ideas or practices it gave me the freedom to discover what I needed to do to make MY life more fulfilling. So I had an affair. So what. I am fully prepared to lose the marriage because in my mind it was lost 5 years ago. I accepted his need to not be sexually called upon to service my needs without divorcing him and so now he has to accept my need to have someone replace him as a man who can satisfy his wife sexually to meet MY needs. I would prefer he give me 22 years as well…just to even things up.
If he decides his pride can not accept this arrangement and the the way he wants to handle my sexually claiming responsibility for my needs is by including a man who can take care of me sexually, then I will happily share with anyone who wants to know, that we are divorcing over his sexual inability to perform. If his choice is divorce then my choice is disclosure. And yes, I have told him this as well. I know it’s a threat and I don’t care. I am done playing by his rules and living with his choices.
I lived my sexual prime and my entire adult life in an almost celibate marriage filled with traumas and issues. I am being authentic from now on, even if my spouse refuses to believe the things I continue to say, just as he refused to listen in the past. The only real issue I have now is inside of my own mind because I do not enjoy the fact I need a lover. I do not want to actively look for one as it seems premeditated. The thrill for me is not in a search to find a new sexual partner but to give all I am to a man who is IN my life. This is at complete odds with ‘finding’ a lover.
I need emotional, spiritual and physical connectivity because it’s lacking in my marriage. I am absolutely terrified of bringing someone else into my life because I was burned by doing so in the past and I am positive that it destroyed part of my soul in a way my marriage never did. It’s left me in a very uncomfortable stasis knowing I have to move but fearful of the direction to choose.