wedded, bedded and breeding

No, I am not happy that your wife is pregnant and I am not happy that you told me. The black and white sonogram, a tiny reminder that your life has changed dramatically. You moved on. Yet you still include me in the strangest of ways and times. “I thought you should know”. Why? Why did I have to know? Why did you think it necessary that I know that you are having sex with your wife and got her pregnant?

You made it seem like it was illicit. “It’s not like you knocked up a mistress or a lover, you know. Once might expect a husband to impregnate a wife.” You knew it would be tender for me to hear and it was. I was not gracious with you at hearing the news. It’s funny that so much time has passed between us and yet there was a nudge in my stomach telling me that once was, no longer is and a reminder that you feel the same way. You don’t have to brace yourself to tell a friend that you are expecting a new addition to your family.

I truly think that we shared so much and were so important in each others lives, that there will always be that ‘what if’ between us. Can it be considered an ‘emotional affair’ when what we had existed before what you found a new life with your wife? We turned away from each other but neither one of us let go. Not in the manner of people who normally end things. She would be devastated if she knew about how you felt about me. You realize that I am the one you are honest with, even though you live with her, love her and are having a baby together?

I’ll be strong enough for both of us and stay away from you, even though you ask to see me. I am doing it for her and for the man you are trying to be. I gave you up so you could find this life that you always wanted and it just might take another woman to make sure you stay faithful to your wife. I’ll do it because you were and will always be, that important to me.

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15 Responses to wedded, bedded and breeding

  1. mel says:

    Ugh. I cannot like this. You are a very good woman. I could never stay away….

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    I hope he will fully understand your sacrifice some day, and how it took your strength as a woman to make him be the man and father he needs to be. I can feel the pain in your words, as well as the resolve; it’s the kind of insight only someone who has been a wife and mother — while never relinquishing her identity as a woman — can truly express.

    My best and most respectful thoughts for you.

    • rougedmount says:

      Your words have stroked my hair and hugged thanks for that. I hope he does as well. He relies on me to be strong when he isn’t. We both understand our ‘truce’ and understand we have to pretend to be ‘just friends’ but like with anyone you have a very deep connection with, we have a short hand. I highly doubt it will ever go away. I want this for him as much as he does. He just has trouble remembering it at times when he feels there are things I need to know about his life. Sometimes my greatest fear, is that I wanted it for him more than he did and I pushed him too hard towards her.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        I’m glad to know I could give you some level of comfort. I know our blog exchanges are sporadic, but the power and honesty of your heart and writing tends to linger.

        In reading this, I have to say that kind of connection can’t ever truly be severed, and maybe it shouldn’t be; those relationships are rare and a gift. It wasn’t until I was 40 and divorced that I was given that gift after a chance encounter brought my wife and I together. We have our own language and have adopted each other’s phrases and facial expressions in the way we communicate. As I’ve told her many times, anything that happens in my life — good or bad — doesn’t seem real until I can share it with her.

        So I know how powerful those feelings and that connection is.

        That said, when it comes to matters of the heart — particularly when that kind of deep connection is involved — you can’t be pushed away from it and into something you don’t want to be a part of.

        So don’t hold yourself responsible for pushing him into something; In his heart, he was already heading there whether he realized it or not. Because you care for him, you simply gave him permission.

        It’s something she can never know; and he should never forget.

        And neither should you. Not that you could…

      • rougedmount says:

        thank you sincerely for allowing my writing some time to linger in your head space. it comforts me, thinking the words are out there and may live longer than i do. he and i ended our relationship as a result of a very big misunderstanding and by the time we corrected it, he had made choices i refused to let him back down from. both of us are aware of the gravity of both of those choices. its why we have agreed to be polite and interact as if every message was being read by a team of forensic lawyers specializing in divorce law…lol. the problem is because of the connection, a single word can mean 100 things and we know exactly which one it means. that hasn’t dissipated over time. both of us are committed to protecting his wife from knowing that he and i seem to have this bond that has not ended. every once in a while, i think the ‘what ifs’ get the better of him.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        Every once in a while, “what ifs” get the best of all of us. You have to remember to also ask “what if I didn’t” sometimes, too.

  3. 'Tis says:

    What an ASS! :/

  4. theotherwoman97 says:

    That must have been an unbelievably painful moment; I am at a loss for words, trying to come up with something adequate to say….

  5. kdaddy23 says:

    Rouged, I get this and how it makes you feel… but I’m not quite sure what else to say. I know I’ve been with women in an affair and have them suddenly resolve things with their spouses and while it kinda hurt, it was also expected because people do change their minds; they see the light as it were and decide to get back on the path and do the right thing as they are expected to do.

    Even you continue to do the right thing despite the fact that you have a valid reason for never wanting to do the right thing. Sure, you stay with you husband for what I’d say is a damned good reason… but you’re still with him regardless of the reasons why you are. So… if the man you’ve been seeing gets his wife pregnant, well, okay, I can see being pissed about that just as I can see and understand why you’d let him go so he can, at the least, be the father he’s gonna have to be… and I can also see why you’d not want to be bothered with him and how you’d see it as a betrayal.

    And it happens to a lot of people, hon, and there’s no real comfort that can be given except to understand that it does happen and especially when you’d rather not have it happen. It leaves you in a physical and emotional lurch; it makes you feel as if you’ve been used, that you’ve been lied to, stuff like that. I know I learned that in the times I’ve had this happen to me, to look solely at the fact that while what we had is now over, while it was happening, it was, in fact, good.

    And if you were in that good space before, you can be in that good space again. We learn the hard way that nothing is forever, that the things that happen to us are just fleeting moments in time and since we know this to be true (even though we might not like the truth of it), it becomes a matter of snatching all of the good moments we can and wherever we can.

    It may not make you feel better but this is the reality we all live in. I have let women I have loved with all my heart and soul walk away from me because I knew they had to or I was the one who walked because I had to because we all, ultimately, have to do what’s right for us to do and even if the other person doesn’t like or agree with it.

    I wouldn’t mind being your lover and I’d rejoice in it and the woman that you are. But, if for some reason you found a way to make that part of your marriage work and you knew in your heart that you had to give it a chance, I would let you go… and I would hate having to do it. I would even sit and think of any and all ways for you to go back to him and do what you have to do… but still keep you in my life and, yeah, in my bed – and even if I knew that it wouldn’t be possible, that it wouldn’t be right not to give you that chance to make things right and to live with him as you’re expected to.

    It hurts… but now it becomes a question of what is going to dominate your sense of purpose – being hurt behind something like this or continuing your quest to get that which you so desperately need to feel whole and loved… if even for a fleeting moment of time.

    I’m probably not sounding like much of a friend but which do you choose to do?

    • rougedmount says:

      Thank you for taking the time to provide some wonderful thoughts. I should clarify my history with this man; while documented in my blog it might make sense to have it in one place. I was with him 2.5 yrs during the time my father was dying of cancer and up to his death. It was while his 1st marriage was in it’s inevitable demise.
      His story was pretty simple. He dated her for 2 years while in University and they had a rocky relationship of breaking up and getting back together. He graduated, broke up with her and took a job away in part to get away from her. She followed him, they got together, she got pregnant and so he married her.
      By the time their child was 2 he knew, he had moved out of the bedroom, increased his work hours and advised her he was divorcing her. Over the next year they struggled, tried to make things work. The more she irritated him and the less he was able to ‘cope’ and then he started using alcohol as a crutch at night to avoid interaction once their child went to bed. He advised her he was filing for divorce and he told his family.
      She got pregnant with their 2nd child and he discovered she had gone off the pill about 6 months prior by going to the drug store and getting the prescription history. Her attempts at having sex, when she hated being touched, now made sense. He felt betrayed, used and trapped. This is when he met me.
      While with me, we discussed many things: how long he should stay with his wife and why. We decided during he should stay for the pregnancy and up until the baby was 18 months old and his wife could return to work and the little one could go to daycare. We discussed his drinking and how it had to stop (and it did). We discussed and planned how he should work his way out of his marriage. We talked about the trauma from his childhood and how it impacted him. How he was the man he was and how he wanted to be in the future.
      We fought. We battled, we made each other look at painful things and then we worked together to heal each other. I can not tell you how many times we cried together. We spent every single night together skyping: watching movies together, watching hockey games and football games. We would sit down once the kids were in bed and have a drink together, chat and plan the ext day or week, discuss kids and finances. For all intent and purpose WE acted like most married couples would have.
      Only we lived in different houses and were married to different people.
      Then came the day he could no longer stay married to his wife. It was too hard and he could not do it anymore. And so he did not tell her this time, he just financially prepared everything and then advised her they were separating and he was moving out. This way she could not trap him again if he was too weak to say no to the offered sex.
      This is where we had the biggest misunderstanding of our relationship.
      I had made it clear I was not leaving my marriage while my son still needed the 2 parent house. I advised him that when he left her it meant he would be leaving me as well. He stayed with her almost an entire year before he couldn’t do it anymore. So once he left her, I wished him well. Told him I supported him and I hoped that he could find someone who would love him and allow him to be the man he was meant to be.
      He was shocked, upset and angry then hurt. I felt I was supporting his breakup decision. He on the other hand wanted me to stay with him and was angry that I had basically cut him off and said no. Only I had misunderstood his anger and pain and thought it was directed at his ex and not me. He left her for himself and not to be with me but he thought he had made it clear that he wanted me in his future. I on the other hand, did not believe that a relationship started as an affair had any potential for long term possibilities and I refused to listen to anything differently.
      Each one of us thought we were supporting the others decision to leave, when both of us wanted to be together. By the time we had figured it out, it was after I pushed him to date and see a woman who I thought would be incredibly suitable for him. We talked about her and their blooming relationship and I made it very clear that he would be dense to let her get away for a variety of reasons I pointed out. He agreed, they got serious, I backed off completely after 3.5 years of speaking 100x a day we hadn’t spoken in weeks.
      From the time he moved out, until the time he moved in with this woman and her son, was 4 months. From the time he met her to the time he married her, was 11 months. We kept very polite, very civil chats occasionally until the week before his wedding. Then it was a marathon 6 hour very real and very brutal conversation/fight where I basically berated him into standing by his decision to marry her.
      I would not allow him to break off a wedding a week before hand and I was so angry with him. Angry he moved so fast between his marriage and another. That he moved so quickly away from me to another woman. He said I was his first choice, I’ve always been his first choice and since I refused him, then he would be with her by default. This made me so angry with him but I would not allow him to hurt her or her son by being stupid. Don’t use me as a reason to call it off.
      Man up and make a choice to stay and accept your life with her or leave her but not to come to me…but to get your life together so people don’t blame you for ruining your ex wifes life and then your fiancés life. It was too much pressure to put me under. Too many families torn apart and too many children hurt. I couldn’t do it. It was the hardest thing I every had to do because I loved him and he loved me Again huge fight with him because he didn’t have the right to love me and plan to marry another woman in a few days. He wanted it to be me.
      Truce and time, little to no contact, cordial and very, very proper communication between us. I started seeing someone else and was with him 1.5 yrs. Once I started seeing him, it gave him the security to talk to me more. Once that relationship ended and I was devastated by it, he made it clear he was struggling with keeping me as a `friend`. His instinct was to step back into my life again. The only issue is he was no longer married to a woman who lied and deceived him; a woman who was a horrible wife, mother and person in general. He was now married to a woman who was widowed, wonderful and a solid and practical match for him.
      I did not know her, but could not possibly hurt her by every resuming any type of relationship with him, other than what we already had between us. I orchestrated his meeting her, being with her, marrying her…all because I couldn`t. I could not allow him to throw it away. I am not a martyr and I know he made his own choices. I supported the ones he was making as alternative plans to the ones he wanted. But it came at a price and a very high cost.
      He has struggled with his choice and our connection. When I was with someone it was easier. Now that I am not, it`s harder for him to stay away. To be honest, it`s harder for me to be the strong one. But I will not ever be with him now that he is in a good marriage to a good woman who needs him and who is good for him. I won’t do that to her and I have no problem telling him he is an ass for thinking it, let alone telling me about it. He knows it. But he also has no problem telling me that the connection we share is not ever going to go away and had we not had the mis-communication, both of our lives would be very different right now. but we have made our choices and we have to live with them.

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