the ageing erection

When a man tells me he is 45+ my immediate concern is “I wonder if he has erectile dysfunction”. I have to be honest, I mentally screech to a stop and immediately think about his penis and if it’s functioning. Or if he takes the blue pill to compensate for any mechanical issues. Does he even admit he has issues! Is he on other medication that might impede an erection? What if he has psychological issues that prevent erection? I don’t do that when a man is in his 30’s or early 40’s as I assume he will  be in his sexual prime having both experience and control by now.

I have lived my entire adult life with a man who was sexually dysfunctional. His penis and brain connection is/was broken when it comes/came to sex with me. “Age” is not so much an issue for me when thinking about potential partners, as sexual viability or sustainability is. Being older, balder, hairier or not as physically put together, is not the issue. It’s my very real fear of his being unable to ‘perform’ in bed when it comes down to the sexual act. When his “as hard as it gets” is semi-soft and he can’t penetrate you, it’s going to be noticed and its going to impact me negatively.

I can not take the absolute rejection that comes from being sexually involved and intimate with a man who fails to get an erection, even though he ‘says’ he is excited. It doesn’t matter what he ‘says’, his soft cock is a reflection of his having no desire to have sex with me, which validates why my husband never wanted sex with me. See how circular this becomes? I blame myself for your soft cock, even knowing you may have a medical or mental condition that prevents one. Why would I do this, still knowing it’s not true? Because I was damaged by my husbands sexual rejection of me.

The only way I can overcome my personal damage of 23 years of my spouse’s sexual dysfunction, is to have it repaired by having the broken pieces nailed back together by the hammer of a hard cock. If a man doesn’t have one, can not get one or can not maintain one, it just adds to the damage my spouse caused to me. I can’t do that again, I won’t. A man has to be able to use my body to achieve erection and to use to make himself orgasm. If he can’t do that, then I see it as my personal failure as a woman. Knowing this isn’t true, doesn’t stop my mind from believing it.

Don’t talk to me about using replacements: oral, fingers, toys or any combination thereof, because they are just that; replacements. Those are part of what I consider a healthy sex life. But being a heterosexual woman, it means I want/need/deserve a beautifully hard cock and since I did without for most of my adult freaking life, if that’s the one thing I can’t give up, I should not have to qualify it any further than it’s what I need and want. My preference is for men my own age and they can not ‘lie’ about their body because if I discover differently, I don’t care how much i may like him, any potential for a relationship would be forfeit. Not much pressure. Get hard or get out.

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42 Responses to the ageing erection

  1. mrmodigliani says:

    Such assumptions about men a few years older are not accurate. If a 50 year old man is in good health and at a fit weight, everything works the same as a 25 year old.

    • mel says:

      Sir, a fit, physically healthy 40 year old can still have E.D. If expected to perform more often than his mind or body can deliver, ANY age man can have difficulty with erection. Arousal is fluid, dependant on so many variables, and unfortunately, men don’t have the luxury of still being able to perform when mentally aroused, but not physically.

    • rougedmount says:

      good to know..unfortunately my experience is based on actual encounters and not statistics, though I will happily take the names and numbers of the highly functioning men you mention…lol.(kidding)

  2. dievca says:

    I was more concerned about a heart attack during sex….Master is 60+ and still rocking without help. The older ones are out there~ look for healthy lifestyles and fit bodies for the age.

  3. babygrl52 says:

    I’ve Been with a man who is in his late 30’s and he can not barely get erect. It does “fuck” with your mind. How can it not? How can one not take it personally? Even if there is a “reason”, the lack of standing at attention in your presence stings.
    It’s a suck ass situation.

  4. mel says:

    A flaccid penis in the face of arousal is ALWAYS a blow to a woman’s self-esteem. My husband is not sexually withdrawn, as yours is, and he does try to make me happy. But when he is unable to get or maintain an erection, it is a slap in the face, despite him telling me it still feels good, that he wants me, that it’s not my fault. It cuts very deep. You are not alone.

    • rougedmount says:

      going from deeply aroused and erotically charged to almost sick with the realization he is soft.. the exact polar opposite of aroused is? nauseous? unfortunately i am damaged from the sexual relationship and it impacts how i see the big picture in my future

  5. oceanswater says:

    I agree with Dievca, My sir is in his 50s and doesn’t skip a beat. He gets hard just texting me and when we are together, let’s just say Wow!! I think the younger 30 somethings abused drugs in their lives which may have messed them up some. I don’t know, I just know that I would not be with him if he had that many problems getting it up.

  6. kdaddy23 says:

    Rouged, I’m 58 and I don’t have a problem getting and keeping it up but, really, if a guy has a problem with that, why would any woman assume it’s because he’s not aroused by just the thought of laying the pipe to her? Without proof – and I mean doctors telling him he has ED issues – all that really happens is he gets shamed and blamed for having and issue and she’s having self-esteem issues for thinking he has a problem that, in truth, has nothing to do with her.

    Sheesh!

    • I don’t know if Rouge is southern, but I felt that way when my husband had issues for a year or so due to stress. We are raised to please, to take care of, and when we are talented in bed and then cant please or feel we have failed to please, it is a personal blow. I never worry about a man’s age, i can get him hard most always, but if it happens more than as an occasional fluke, we can feel we’ve lost our mojo as sexual goddesses…lol…and it can cause depression, etc.
      When you pile all of the other issues going on, it becomes a heavy weight to carry, with self doubt creeping in, self esteem, and confidence flying out the window…

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I understand, I really do and if you think it’s bad on women, it’s even worse on us. A couple of things, though (well, maybe more than two): If it’s not a problem, don’t worry about it because all that stress is going to do both people in. Don’t worry about something you, as a woman, can’t do anything about. ED happens to us at any age and for numerous reasons and unless you’re the reason why a guy is stressed so badly he can’t get it up, seeing this as a fault of yours just adds more stress to a situation that is best handle with the least amount of stress possible.

        And if you’re bent out of shape because he can’t get it up, all you’re gonna do is put more stress on him – you can easily see how this can spiral out of control, right?

        As men, we pretty much all like to think we’re super studs, ready to fuck at a moment’s notice and then more than capable of knocking any woman into the next zip code. The truth is a whole lot different; we put pressure on ourselves to perform – hell, women put pressure on us to perform and, yeah, whether the problem is physical or mental, even the best of us have failed in the past… and could fail at any time.

        All I’m saying, ladies, is that if you can’t get him up and keep him up, it might not be your fault – so don’t act as if it is. Indeed, one of the things I learned about this – because it’s important to know – is that just as we have to be with women, a little patience goes a long way. We can get overstimulated, lose our erection and even cum too soon… but there’s no need to get bent. Just relax, chill, and understand that it happens and it’s not the end of the world.

        So don’t act as if it is because if you do, it’s not going to get any better.

      • rougedmount says:

        i actually agree with this daddy…but in my circumstance, i was patient with his refusal to have sex and his excuses for 22 years. he withheld as a punishment to me…so now that his physical issues mean its impossible now most times for him to have sex..he is more relaxed and stress free than he has bene in years when it comes to ‘sex’…i cant argue my case for using his hard cock when he says he isnt interested and his body shows me his lies…now he has the soft penis he always wanted

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Yes, darling woman, your situation is quite different and you gotta know that I feel your pain: No woman should ever go without being sexed frequently and repeatedly. I’ve always felt that if you have a woman, you do her until you actually can’t do it anymore… then you find other ways to knock her ass into the next county.

        If you have ED issues or even low libido, if you love that woman, you will set your pride aside and free her up so she can still have the sex she needs – and you’re not going to regret it because anything that makes her happy will spread to everyone else.

        To do anything other than this, in my opinion, is the ultimate failure as a man – period. It’s one thing to have these issues… but if you’re not gonna work on them and do everything humanly possible to work on the issues, then if your woman steps out on you, you get exactly what the fuck you deserve.

        The only things that could happen to me to make me not want to fuck my lady’s brains out are being in a coma or dead; otherwise, I’m gonna tear her ass up and if I can’t do it, I will find someone else to do it.

        Yeah, love is like that and any man who doesn’t understand this really and seriously needs to get their head checked out. Your situation really makes me angry…

      • rougedmount says:

        i love your passion..you remind me very much of a close friend i have who even talks like u do and says a ton of your sayings..lol. i am glad u understand my sexual frustration comes from long term avoidance until his body met his mind in refusal.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I’m honored – thank you. And, yes, I do understand your frustration; I just think it’s insane for tippy to have to endure this…

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Yes, darling woman, your situation is quite different and you gotta know that I feel your pain: No woman should ever go without being sexed frequently and repeatedly. I’ve always felt that if you have a woman, you do her until you actually can’t do it anymore… then you find other ways to knock her ass into the next county.

        If you have ED issues or even low libido, if you love that woman, you will set your pride aside and free her up so she can still have the sex she needs – and you’re not going to regret it because anything that makes her happy will spread to everyone else.

        To do anything other than this, in my opinion, is the ultimate failure as a man – period. It’s one thing to have these issues… but if you’re not gonna work on them and do everything humanly possible to work on the issues, then if your woman steps out on you, you get exactly what the fuck you deserve.

        The only things that could happen to me to make me not want to fuck my lady’s brains out are being in a coma or dead; otherwise, I’m gonna tear her ass up and if I can’t do it, I will find someone else to do it.

        Yeah, love is like that and any man who doesn’t understand this really and seriously needs to get their head checked out. Your situation really makes me angry…

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I understand, I really do and if you think it’s bad on women, it’s even worse on us. A couple of things, though (well, maybe more than two): If it’s not a problem, don’t worry about it because all that stress is going to do both people in. Don’t worry about something you, as a woman, can’t do anything about. ED happens to us at any age and for numerous reasons and unless you’re the reason why a guy is stressed so badly he can’t get it up, seeing this as a fault of yours just adds more stress to a situation that is best handle with the least amount of stress possible.

        And if you’re bent out of shape because he can’t get it up, all you’re gonna do is put more stress on him – you can easily see how this can spiral out of control, right?

        As men, we pretty much all like to think we’re super studs, ready to fuck at a moment’s notice and then more than capable of knocking any woman into the next zip code. The truth is a whole lot different; we put pressure on ourselves to perform – hell, women put pressure on us to perform and, yeah, whether the problem is physical or mental, even the best of us have failed in the past… and could fail at any time.

        All I’m saying, ladies, is that if you can’t get him up and keep him up, it might not be your fault – so don’t act as if it is. Indeed, one of the things I learned about this – because it’s important to know – is that just as we have to be with women, a little patience goes a long way. We can get overstimulated, lose our erection and even cum too soon… but there’s no need to get bent. Just relax, chill, and understand that it happens and it’s not the end of the world.

        So don’t act as if it is because if you do, it’s not going to get any better.

      • rougedmount says:

        i am not a southern belle but love the culture..but the personality trait is there that you speak of. his flaccid penis was the ultimate rejection and i felt that way because of the 15 years worth of effort i put into trying to ‘fix’ things with him. all while fending off the attention of other men who wanted what i was trying to get him to notice.

    • rougedmount says:

      i get it…but like i said..a lifetime of conflict around sex means i view it with a hugely skewed perception..and it is icy immersion into cold water to any arousal on my part

  7. Glenn says:

    Well if being with a guy who can’t get it up bothers you so much don’t date one. That way you won’t get the disappointment of being with a guy with a soft dick and he won’t be stuck with a woman who fucked in the head. Win win.

    • daytightliving says:

      “Glenn,” why do you have to be rude? This is a personal blog and the writer can say whatever she likes on HER blog. She shared her personal perspective of how she perceives this problem.

      As someone who has experienced it once or twice with different partners over the years, I have to say I agree with the writer. How could a woman NOT think it has something to do with her? That there’s something about her that doesn’t work for him, that he can’t get it up and she’s the reason why?

      We can have a discussion here without being rude and insulting. Which I’m certain was not the intent of the writer of this blog. But it’s clear that was your intent. Please take your childish comments somewhere else.

      • rougedmount says:

        YOU are the most awesome’est person EVER..thank you very much for the defense..i am the writer of this blog and i completely endorse this comment…lol…i am going to leave his comment up to remind me of how damaged some people are.

    • rougedmount says:

      i have warned you twice now about personally attacking me. if you don’t like what i am writing do not read it. if you would like, i can assist with that by blocking you

  8. Wow, I can do relate to this! I too, would take it this way if he says he’s got for me but I’m barely seeing/feeling a semi on his end. Honestly, if he really wants it – then he should come and get it – with a full hard on. If a guy needs toys for his woman because of it, then what’s the point of her even bothering with him when she can do that herself?

    • rougedmount says:

      i would be fully patient (and was for 15 years) if he had used it when he had it or lost the use of it through normal issues..but the mental castration was purposefully done to himself and his lack of seeking medical attention is inexcusable to me. He is happy that he now no longer has to lie about lack of interest.he just points out his flaccid penis.

  9. jfbreak says:

    I’m a new follower here and am trying to catch up. Going back to something you wrote recently, it sounds like your husband might get an erection if you told him you had just been with another man. But that probably doesn’t help if the guy you were just with can’t get it up.

    I just turned 50 and yea, I don;t get the instant boners I used to. I’m certainly not ready for the blue pill, but there are times when it would help – with my wife. After two decades of marriage, it just isn’t always as exciting as it was. I know, sad, but true. In our case, toys help a lot.

    • rougedmount says:

      well welcome to my blog and thank you for following! i have written quite a bit over a few years …so its a bit like coming into an existing soap opera..lol.. i have real world mixed with history..fantasy mixed with truths..unfortunately i did not diverge between anything and used this space for my mind to vent and so there is no real ‘topic’. It’s just me and my words as they come inspired. Coles notes version of my marriage: me, 22 years faithful, high sex drive, sensual, sexual, attractive, educated, dynamic, strong. HIM: stopped touching me when i was pregnant with first child. Mentally could not adjust to me as wife now that i was mother. i was patient understanding supportive…major issues with family, finances, infidelity (his, though he denied it), and issues with our oldest son that progressed as he got older. I could not leave my son because of the situation (it is exceptionally complex but boils down to safety and future potential)…and all I had to do was accept that he wanted a sibling to joke around with and present to people as part of his family unit and he did not want any contact that was sexual in nature…fast forward through a crisis that lead me to seek comfort from someone who challenged me, pushed me, demanded that i get through it and he taught me how to love again and how loving someone meant letting them go if it was in their best interest. then i met someone who changed me life and then destroyed me. i am not sure i will ever recover from it. he healed me and then he lied to me.
      the only man i have ever encountered with an erectile issue is my spouse. any other man has no issues. i am attractive and a goddess in bed.
      and toys are a part of a healthy sexual relationship..unfortunately i do not have a healthy sexual relationship with my spouse.

  10. Also, the issues are deeply emotionally and psychologically bound, as Rouged goes to great depths to explain. If ‘he’ is not willing to explore his old issues, then nothing ‘she’ does will matter. It boils down to a willingness to do the work of looking inward, grieving and then making positive change. I find this entire journey amazing…

    • rougedmount says:

      exactly! no matter what i do..its his journey…i supported him for 15 years… i just can;t pretend that it doesn’t bother me when it does…besides its not like i could hide my instant reaction

  11. jayne says:

    Just an FYI – There are men who have no problem, there are men 45+ who still have the sex drive you are wanting. I think it also has to do with the use it or lose it theory which goes for women too. But I see how your thoughts go there. Physiology and age is real. So you state “high sex drive” if you want. xo, J

  12. Paul Nichol says:

    Absolutely no problems here, 50 this year, we have a great sex life. It is uncommon for us not to have sex 4 times a week, and sometimes twice in a row. We have been married 25 years. I am not boasting, I just want people to know that all men have erection problem; they are either get hard at just the thought of sex (which can be a problem) or they do not (which I understand from reading this post is a bigger problem).

    I just wanted to stand up for men who are over 45 who can stand up. We are not a rare breed.

    • rougedmount says:

      I am glad it’s not an issue for you and your wife Paul. Unfortunately, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and an extremely low sex drive is a very big problem for many women who live with a man who does have these issues and who won’t admit them or deal with them, which was my case.
      If you add medical issues on top of that, then a normal sex life is simply not possible. It leaves the female partner in a difficult position having to deal with this, not as a couple but as an individual who is in part, being blamed for his issues.

      • Paul Nichol says:

        Obviously, there are no easy answers to such problems, as each person’s circumstance will vary and no two people share the same perspective, even on the same issue. I know I would find ED very difficult to deal with, however, I love my wife deeply and we stimulate each other in many other ways than just through sex, and I know she would agree me.
        We all must find our own paths through the difficult terrain of our existence, but it is the difficulties and the loves we experience on that journey that defines us, in our hearts of hearts.

        Travel well

        I forgot to thank you for the likes on my own blog, so therefore, thank you. 🙂

  13. Ron says:

    Rouge – you’ve got a powerful blog. The support you get is a reflection of how wonderful a person you are.

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