premature

How long has it been since he touched me? Almost 11 weeks. That’s 3 months for all intents and purpose. I should have been expecting this but of course I let my guard down. He has been doing a few little things around the house for me. He doesn’t do anything without expecting something in return. I hear him showering for work and when finished he comes back into the bedroom. I had thrown the covers off my naked body and he walks over and starts to touch me. Since it’s been so long since I had any male touch, I respond immediately, igniting like a match thrown onto wood covered in lighter fluid. He is 40 minutes late in leaving for work already. I know he doesn’t have enough time to finish anything and yet here he is starting something.

He stands beside the bed and leans over me. Hands grope bare, cool skin, fingers immediately push inside me, mouth pulls hard on a bare nipple. My body arches and I flood in wetness.  I reach out to and hold onto his thigh before I come around and feel that his penis is hard. I stroke him a few times before he steps back and out of my reach. He asks if he should get the big dildo, I say yes, knowing it will make him late for work, but I don’t care, not now that he seems willing to pleasure me. He pulls away from me completely and then as he stands there in his boxers, his penis pulled out through the middle, he starts to cum. Too late, his hand grabs at his shaft, squeezing, trying to stop what’s already happened.

I look up into his face, not believing what I am seeing, then back to the penis that he released again, so it could finish spurting onto the hardwood floor. Just the idea of using the big dildo on me, caused him to premature ejaculate without even being touched. I said nothing, though the look on my face must have said everything, as I rolled in the opposite direction to get off the bed and go into the bathroom and close the door, so I would not have to fucking look at him. Once again, he used touching me to arouse himself, to get himself off, after months of complete non sexual contact with me, leaving me frustrated. I listen to him quickly leaving the room, muttering something I could not hear through the door and over the sound of the running water I was splashing on my face; I assume to get his clothes on and get out the door to work.

I am in a fucking ugly, mean mood right now. Mad at myself for forgetting to ignore my body when it responds to his touch. Mad at the bastard, who was the perfect sexual mate to my body, who hurt me and who I had to kick out of my life. Mad at the idiot men who pant after me and don’t come close to being what I need sexually or mentally. Mad at men who can’t control their fucking pathetic little pricks and expect a woman to want to have anything to do with them sexually. Again back to being mad at myself for fearing to go out and find a lover who can service me sexually who is a fucking beautifully cock proud, dominant man who I don’t have to fucking parent to try and teach him how to perform.

Fuck.

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21 Responses to premature

  1. mel says:

    I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how awful this was for you, and I know in this state, you don’t want to, but perhaps it might help to be compassionate about his plight? I’m sure he feels awful. Shameful. Disgusting. And hates his own body and mind as much as you do right now.

    The shame he feels right this very minute will shape his actions towards you for days, even weeks. If you DO feel any compassion for him, maybe it would be worth it show him.

    I’m by no means an expert at this, my own difficulty is the only thing I have to draw from. I do know, when faced with this issue myself last year, I made a concentrated effort to make sure he ejaculated more often.

    I understand your frustrations, and I sympathize with them, trust me. But part of the problem here is what is going on in his head. Shame that he cannot be the man you need him to be. Shame that his body defies him. Shame that he can’t help you achieve the release that comes far too easily for him. And shame that he’s let it get to this point.

    If you can get past the stress this putting on you, and see what it is doing to him, maybe, just maybe the two of you can come to a resolution together??

    You have every right to feel what you’re feeling. And maybe you cannot find compassion for him because he’s already used it all up. But I know that when you are able to turn thoughts around, see things from all sides, and experience the draw of tuning into your partner, great things can happen.

    I hope it’s not too late. I hope if you do extend the efforts, he does as well. I hope he does not ignore how this unintentional abuse harms you.

    • rougedmount says:

      I was compassionate and understanding for 10-13 years or so. Give or take an additional 5-8 years. He is selfish and only cares about himself sexually. One can not work with that or hope to change it. He has so many issues that it is far beyond my ability to solve them. He needs counselling for the issues created from his relationship issues with his mother. He suffers from a Madonna complex towards me as well as being a passive aggressive, narcissist.

      He has medical conditions that impact him as well and is now taking medication for: diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid, high cholesterol. He will not talk about his sexual dysfunction and instead says there is no issue in spite of my telling him bluntly that there is and in the past have said things like “I am having sex with my boyfriend later so it doesn’t matter that he did not get me off.”

      He has been given every chance in the world and then far, far, far beyond. He disgusts me. He had everything, including a wife who was patient and willing to work with him and his issues and he threw me away like garbage. He is a user who refuses to accept his role in anything as he is a narcissist who blames me, is angry with ME for everything he fails at. He could care less what I think, what I say or what I do as long as it doesn’t impact his life and how it appears to others.

      He needs me to be here so he can present that he is “married with kids”. I may as well be the door to the dryer or a strainer in a sink. We have no relationship…nothing to work with and resolve. Just a big fucking mess of blame and denial. He is not shameful at all. He is a user who uses and that’s exactly what he did. Purposefully. As I have been withholding his ability to use me as a cum dump to keep the peace.

      He just found a way to get around it.

      • mel says:

        I’m sorry. I really am. I hope you can find a way to trust another man, then. A way to heal yourself from all this clear abuse. You are worth the time and effort. Hugs, you are in my prayers.

      • rougedmount says:

        i am actually glad it happened…it was a reminder (again) that i do not have to sacrifice myself because i am sacrificing my time by having to stay here. it reminds me that i made the choice to have a lover for a reason and that reason is more than still valid. sex with my spouse is simply a way to invest 2-3 minutes every few months to pay the price for the peace i need to deal with the other issues in the house, like dealing with my oldest child. my marriage is not a relationship and i have to keep reminding myself of that. thanks for the kind words and thoughts.

  2. willowdot21 says:

    I can’t say I like it no one would like that. But you are not alone, my husband had an at least 10yr affair, left me came back and now has not touched me for again at least 10yrs. Everyone says how lovely and kind his is. How much he has done for me ( true I broke my back really badly 4yrs back , had 3 operations. I have worked bloody hard and am doing well ..walking gym and physio.) But he can be so unkind … but that is my problem.
    You sound younger and stronger than me sort yourself out get up and sort him or leave.. haha that easy.. yer.tell me about it .I’d say I am here if you need an ear but you seem to have it sorted.
    I wish you well , don’t waste your life I did!

  3. Glenn says:

    “Mad at men who can’t control their fucking pathetic little pricks and expect a woman to want to have anything to do with them sexually. ”

    As someone who has had to deal with the insecurities of being one of the lesser endowed males 45 years and 1o years of ED problems that makes me feel real good. Thanks.

    • rougedmount says:

      Glen, if you can not see why I am upset at my spouse or why any woman would be upset with a man who did this, then you are as selfish as he is. This post was not about YOUR sexual issues. It was exactly how a woman feels when she is sexually invalidated by someone who has no concern for their partners needs. If it made you uncomfortable to read, then GOOD. Think about why that is and what you can do to change it. Your insecurities are brought about by your experience and if you brought a different attitude towards the person who is sharing their body with you, you might have a different experience to draw from. There are a lot of men who have a small penis who aren’t selfish and uncaring in the bedroom and they have NO issues with the size of their cocks because the size of their personality and willingness to sexually satisfy a partner, makes up for it. Sexually selfish men are far more unattractive than a man with a small penis.

      • Glenn says:

        Yes I can understand why you are upset with your husband but the comment I quoted was aimed at MEN who can’t control their fucking pathetic little pricks not MY HUSBAND who can’t control his fucking pathetic little prick. I’m not the one doing this to you.

      • rougedmount says:

        yes it was directed at ‘men’ because if a man is reading this and can apply it to his situation, i want him to know how damaging it is to a woman and how much she resents feeling used. i am SO over sexually selfish men. i will not be giving second chances to any other men and they are going to have to understand that my damage is something they have to deal with in the future. there will be nothing but brutal honesty from me and my needs will be considered or i will simply move on to someone else who is far more capable than they are in bed.

  4. kdaddy23 says:

    You said, “He has medical conditions that impact him as well and is now taking medication for: diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid, high cholesterol. He will not talk about his sexual dysfunction and instead says there is no issue in spite of my telling him bluntly that there is and in the past have said things like “I am having sex with my boyfriend later so it doesn’t matter that he did not get me off.”

    In a way, I feel sorry for your husband because there are medications that will take care of the conditions you mention… and can rob a man of his libido, his erection, his control and, worst of all, his self-esteem. I understand your deepening frustration and I asked myself what I felt was an important question: If she’s aware of what his mental state and his medications are doing to him, why does she keep expecting him to perform as if there’s nothing wrong with him?

    No, I’m not knocking you, dear friend, and I still say you need to take a lover or three or four… but I also wonder if you are fully aware of how mentally devastating it is for a man to have his ability to have sex taken away from him? As for talking about it, well, that’s fine if a man can even bring himself to talk to his woman about something that is beyond mortifying… but it is a problem in the area of what, if anything, can be done about it and, depending on what specific medications he’s taking, there may not be anything that can be done that’s not going to jeopardize his health and even his life.

    And even if there were something that could be done, the mental and emotional damage has already been done and without some really intensive therapy, probably will never be undone and, no, I’m not talking about whatever damage you’ve added onto the situation because I know that as confident as I am in my ability to please someone sexually, my biggest fear is, “What if I can’t? What happens if ED hits me or I have to take something that’ll strip my libido from me as quickly and as easily as I can take off my socks?”

    As men, we try not to think about this any more than women want to think about heading into menopause and all the issues this stage of life can cause them; our ability and desire to have sex is an integral part of us and to know that there are things that can take this away from us – and almost at any time – is beyond depressing… so we try not to think about it… but when it strikes us, not only do we have to deal with the loss of our ability to want and have sex but now we have a pissed off partner to deal with as well.

    I still give you huge props – you’re amazing in that you’re that rare woman who actually wants to help her man get through this so they can get back to being happy again. Everyone, including me, is telling you to get that lover but you continue to stay true to your vows. Maybe the question I asked you about your expectations is rhetorical – perhaps you are, in fact, very much aware of the effects of his medications as well as the impact on whatever self-esteem he has left. Is he being selfish? As you’ve shared with us, yeah, maybe he is… but for the benefit of others who are going through what you’re having to endure, I just wanted to state for the record, your Honor, that there are things that can combine to rob a man – and ultimately, his woman – of the pleasures of the flesh. I’m not defending your husband but, as a man, I can identify with how he might be feeling.

    • rougedmount says:

      I understand your comments about my expecting performance from someone who is medically impaired. BUT…lol…his issues surrounding sex were in place long before medication or physical issues began. His issues with sex were and still are mental, to a very large degree. In fact he now uses the medications as ‘an excuse’ and that pisses me off. He will not change them nor will he add Viagra to the mixture. He simply dos not ‘want’ sex with me.

      Where before he would give an excuse as to why he would not want sex, his hard penis, proved his words a lie. He would be hard when I watched porn in bed and when I asked him to look at it with me, he would turn his back to me. I would buy erotic magazines and read them out loud in bed and he would ask me to be quiet so he could sleep. I placed my box of toys in his side table and would ask him to pass me one so I could play with myself in bed. I would vibrate and thrust; pant, groan and talk how much I loved having a cock fuck me until I would cum. He turned his back and would ignore me. I would wear corsets and gartered stockings to bed after having bubble baths and wine, he would ignore me and place pillows between us, so I “wouldn’t disturb his sleep”.

      Well now he has the soft penis he always wanted that ‘proves’ he is too tired, too sick, has a headache, has to get up early, has a lot on his mind, has too much stress, etc.

      He HAD libido, just not directed to me; he HAD a hard cock, he just refused to use it with me. He HAD a sex drive and was horny and would withhold sex to punish me or used as a part of a power struggle between us if I did not go along with his mothers plans for OUR family. THIS is why I started to be brutally honest with him and throw it in his face for the pathetic excuses they were. It’s why I turned up the volume on being sensual and sexy because I knew it was making him hard and that he was listening to me and yet he was withholding sex from me.

      When I could tell there were starting to be medical issues with him, he refused to go to the Doctor. He refused to go for 5 years and as his health deteriorated, it impacted his ability to get an erection. Never once did I ever throw that in his face or use it against him during this time.I also toned down a ton of what I had done to try and entice him to have sex with me. I DID however bully him into seeking medical attention.
      (I made him get higher life insurance as well…but he has borrowed money against the policy for years without telling me…which is another topic entirely…)

      I finally got him to the Doctor by having a massive fight with him and had him take my one son to the Doctor and I had made an appointment for him as well, so he was blindsided into an exam and blood work that confirmed everything I had been warning about for YEARS. This is when he went on the medication and this is when his actual medical castration took place. THIS is when I actually took the lover I had for 1.5 yrs, because at this point, there was nothing to stay faithful ‘to’. I was miserable and so sexually frustrated that I could not act reasonably any longer.

      When I reacted hormonally to a man, I did not expect it, but it was the most powerful reaction I have ever had to anything in my entire life. To my absolute and utter surprise it made me a better wife as I was no longer angry at everything! My husband had no pressure to perform as he was not able to any longer, we no longer fought about sex or how the pillow was in the wrong place and how the ketchup doesn’t belong on that shelf and how my hair was too curly today because all of a sudden, I was sane again.

      The entire time he could have fucked me and didn’t, was about 10 years. The medically created issues that have removed his ability, for the most part, have been during the last 5. Had it not been for his prior 10 year refusal and his seemingly happy acceptance of not being able to perform now, I ‘may’ have been more sympathetic to him. Now he is happier than he has been in a very long time.

      When I had the lover, if my husband wanted to use me as a cum dump to get himself off for 2-3 minutes every 3 months, it did not matter to me. I allowed it as it did not sexually frustrate me as the only touch from a male that I had had for an entire year. When I was being sexually taken care of by another man, my husbands callous need to use me instead of masturbation for a few minutes meant nothing to me. It didn’t make me angry or resentful. I serviced the need in exchange for the peace.

      Without a steady lover, I can not tolerate this kind of sexual interaction with him as NONE of my needs are being met. So I made it mandatory that if he wanted ANY sexual touch from me, then he had to use a toy on me first. He had to arouse me to orgasm and once I came once (which is a shame since I am actually multi orgasmic and he is not taking advantage of this), then he could enter me and cum in 30 seconds…30 seconds would be considered long for him.

      Premature ejaculation means that the last time we tried to have sex (3 months ago)? As I mounted him he started to cum before I could even get his half erect soft penis inside of me. This time? He stood by the bed and the idea of having sex made him cum. The last time I used his cock for an orgasm was 8 months ago and that was simply because I was so upset and aroused that I started to cum as soon as he entered me. He lasted 10 seconds maybe? The second I started to orgasm and clench it forced his small and now flaccid cock out of my body and left me horribly aroused, cumming on nothing making me cry from the cruel irony and frustration.

      A mans erectile issues are not his own when he is in a relationship. They are shared with his sexual partner and magnified by our own vulnerabilities. I need a partner and a mate. I need emotional and spiritual support. I won’t get this until I divorce him. The LEAST I can do is have physical gratification from a man who is skilled in bed and knows how to handle a dominant and wilful woman who has a high sex drive.

      I can’t handle the sexual frustration any more. And every time I have to endure the fucking disaster of his attempt to sexually satisfy himself it reminds me of what I am missing and how I can’t do it and stay sane. I need a fucking machine. A multi orgasmic man who stays hard and can play me like a mandolin. I want dirty, hard sex with my ass spanked and hair pulled back and I want my pussy to feel busied and battered for days afterwards so that the memory can tide me over until I can see him again.

      If I have to stay married to support my son, then to endure my spouse, at least I need to have the sexual satisfaction that will keep me from losing my mind by making me lose my inhibitions I have to keep so carefully controlled in my real life as a loving mother and patient wife.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Yeah, I’d rather you stay sane to support your son and you know I understand… but my asking gets you to respond and in ways that other people who have this problem in their lives can see how it can manifest itself and, for men, give them some incentive to get checked out, deal with stuff that may be causing depression and, damned right, if your relationship with your woman means anything to you, investigate every available solution that’s doable.

        I’ve read of men going to the extremes of having penile implants installed, a highly risky thing to do because of the risk of massive infection and damage to penile structures – but they do it because they know that being able to have sex is so horribly important to them and their partner.

        The thing that gets me about your husband is him knowing there’s been a major problem and him not doing one damned thing about trying to fix it – it just amazes me because I know I would NEVER give up trying to have sex with my woman and, yeah, do whatever I had to do to keep her out of some other guy’s bed but, also, if I had exhausted all I could do in this, then I’d insist that she take as many lovers as she can handle because if I love her as much as I said I did, then why would I want to see her sexually unhappy? If she’s unhappy, all she’s gonna do is make me even more miserable than I am about not being able to fuck her and that, my friend, doesn’t make sense to me… and it shouldn’t make sense to any man putting his woman through this emotional torture…

      • rougedmount says:

        i think he is used to an angry and abusive mother and he tried to transfer his experience of that onto me and because i am not he tries to create it…and that is the time we actually fight..i am done…faithful no more…fuck it…i dont care if it results in divorce..i am heading there in 2 yrs anyway.i know you know what i mean..and i know you have the balls to be a man..if he had a 10th of what you had i would have settled..

  5. jayne says:

    Damn the comments sure went off topic. It’s a meticulous balancing act emotionally to go through all of the physical and emotional desires within your constraints. It just sucks – there is no justification, no reasoning, no sense in it, except to maintain a priority you are upholding above your own needs. I hesitate to state it because it is associated with many polarizing and devalued roles women have but, you are holding steadfast to a responsibility that is no one else’s – being a parent. I know your will and heart are in the right place and I’m not the only one who sees your truth here.

  6. Detritus says:

    There is obviously so much history here that I cannot offer much more than what you are feeling. The only thing that I am thinking, and it’s because I have suffered from this in the past, is with regard to the premature ejaculation aspect of this page taken from a chapter of a much, much larger book.

    I offer that… a man, regardless of almost any possible difference between himself and another man, is incredibly embarrassed and shamed by the betrayal of his own body against his mind. Premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction is equivicably the same… a failure to be a man. I’ve felt the shame. Women I’ve been with in that time have been supportive and having a woman be angry over it would be overwhelming for me.

    That being said, I’ve been married for many, many years and am extremely unhappy with the state of my marriage so I can understand how the actions (or inactions) of your partner only provide credence to the suspicions about their personality and desires. I know it isn’t easy to know where to go from there.

    I wouldn’t dare challenge you as being justified or unjustified in how you feel… all I’m doing is offering a different perspective for you to ponder. And maybe you already have… I just want to offer something .

    • rougedmount says:

      i certainly appreciate and value your view point…and i actually completely agree with it. which is why i ‘understood’ and worked so hard to improve things with him over the years. BUT…lol… there comes a time when you realize that his premature ejaculation was a “choice” and not something he could not control. Once I discovered that… I was pissy to say the least as I had invested 6-7 years to assist him in overcoming the issue. I will write more on the topic to give background…

      • Detritus says:

        During the times that it happened to me, it was never a choice but I would not dismiss the possibility that it is something that you could choose to do. The other choice being that, even if it was not a choice, you can choose to work on it. Choose to help your endurance. He obviously did not choose this.

      • rougedmount says:

        thats the issue Detritus,,ge did choose it..its his way of avoiding sex with me

  7. I feel so sad for both you and your husband. It sounds like neither of you are happy, and you both resent each other. But even more than this – you both profoundly resent yourselves. It sounds like hell, prison, a trap.

    Please don’t take his behaviour personally. It is not a reflection of your worth or attractiveness, just a reflection of his pain. Please don’t back his actions up with negative thoughts towards yourself – that is to say, if he avoids having sex with you it’s not because of who you are. Please find yourself attractive, and rely on your own good opinion of yourself. Your opinion of yourself is more important than anyone else’s. Even if he were happy, your opinion would still be more important. Please focus on loving yourself unconditionally, irrespective of any shame or guilt or mistakes you’ve ever made. You can apologise to yourself if you like – I’m doing that a lot lately, for putting myself down so much. I accept the apology and I always respond, “you were just doing your best”, and follow it up with, “thank you [me] for understanding”. It’s not your fault.

    • rougedmount says:

      Thank you for taking the time to express your views and to share some of your personal journey. I am not happy with most aspects of my marital sexual relationship, but other than that, there is no resentment for the most part, though like any normal person, I do have flare ups. My life is a good one I am grateful for it; it is far from being difficult on any level other than in intimacy. I have worked over 20 years to distance myself from self blame. His issues are his own and I have done the work to understand that. I am a very confidant woman my perception of myself is not dependent on how others view me. It does not hurt that I am educated and attractive.

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