using men as bridges

Thanks a lot for ruining everything for me

It doesn’t matter who I meet from now on, does it?

They aren’t you and so I have no fucking interest

I am not aroused by them, not interested in them

Their situation could be fucking perfect

And yet… nothing

Not a single remote interest on my end

Is it their fault? No. It’s yours.

How am I supposed to live in a state of heightened arousal?

Only to have the damper put on every time I meet a man, who isn’t you?

I have started purposefully seeing other men and it’s not fucking working

How many months or years have to pass before my head and heart move on?

I am actually pissed off about it. Mad at myself.

My body’s betrayal to just forget about you and get on with living

Yet here I am with no sexual interest in other men

They may as well be eunuchs for all I desire them

Perfectly good men, perfect on paper, perfect choices

Nice men who are handsome, accomplished

But every single thing about them, I compare to you

And the longer I spend with them the more uncomfortable I get

I end up having a conversation with YOU, instead of them

All the while telling you to get out of my head so I can be in the moment

And let me accept them for who they are

Instead of who they aren’t and it doesn’t work

You have ruined everything for me

I am so fucking stuck it’s not funny

And the only thing I can actually do is keep using these men

To try and get over you by hoping one of them

Eventually breaks through the barrier you have placed around me

When you claimed my heart and soul in your twisted hands

And wrung every bit of gain I had made from my failed marriage

Just to damage me far deeper than I ever thought possible

I am so fucked, it’s not funny

This entry was posted in Affair, Relationships, Sex and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to using men as bridges

  1. And he doesn’t even care. There is not left of me. Just broken.

  2. I dont even know what to say to that. Keep trying. It takes time to get over anything in life…. especially a man.

  3. One foot after the other…

  4. Marian Green says:

    Your anger shows your strength. You aren’t powerless, though it may feel that way at the moment. Hugs. -m

  5. ballsakhung says:

    “I have no fucking interest/ I am not aroused by them, not interested in them.”
    Honestly spoke.

    (Sighs. And then takes off mask)

    Your last set of poems were going one way. This post is going another.
    We can see you’re hurting. So I am going to talk to you out of Love and not out of Lust. (Forget my ‘BallsakHung’ persona for a moment – my wanton mask). I know you’ve tried to talk to your husband on a couple of occasions and he’s not interested. That’s because he’s made up his mind. Next, you need to talk to family and friends (those close to you) about this, if you haven’t already. Now, my advice might come as a surprise:

    1. Stay away from your blog and anything that harps on about ‘love’, ‘sex’, ‘relationships’. Stay away till you’re stronger in mind – that is to say, stronger at heart. (You heart is broken, I know 😦 ) You may feel the need to do the same old things. But the blog might not be a good idea. You decide.

    2. Remind yourself you’re still alive. You’re not in a novel or a film. This is ‘you’ – real – living, breathing, right now. You are going to be dead in who knows – thirty years, fifty years… who knows? What if it’s next year? I don’t mean this in a morbid sense, but as a way to get you to spring into positive action, to realise the valuable, golden stuff you have (but might have become blinded to appreciate because of your grief): your son, for instance; your healthy, fully functioning body; you don’t have a handicap or a mental disability… Think about the poor, the orphans, the less fortunate than you. You have the world in front of you, your life, and possibilities of adventure.

    3. Relationships sometimes don’t work out. That’s fine. These are not consoling words. They are a fact. But there’s a reason for it. And when you’re 15 years older, no doubt, you will post your thoughts about it, in a kind of ‘do you remember that time when…’ kind of way. The benefits of hindsight! Do not be fixated on this now. Now you need to get up, turn around, and turn away (from him). Have an affair? No, not in your fragile state of mind. I’m being real. Hope you don’t mind. A divorce then? Yes, if both of you – together – can’t fix this. Fixing it is key.

    4. So, what are you supposed to do? Get on with your life – without thinking of literature or movie plot templates. Your story is original. Keep it that way. What does ‘get on with your life’ mean? 1. Remember your key duties (your son, your well-being and livelihood) and 2. Ask your self what is the point of your life? This massive question, you might have successfully avoided through life and simply held onto things people pass around. Like, for instance, you’re supposed to find love, get a house, a family and live happily ever after. So, what about the 90% of people devastated in war torn countries? My point is, this ‘norm’ as universal is imaginary. Everyone has different lives. Everyone is messed up in their own way. FACT. The question remains: what is the point of your life? What is the point of life? Sometimes difficulties occur to ‘wake you up’. You’ve not been seeing something. What is it? Are you really that devastated with the loss of your husband? Or the loss of the way you had hoped your life would go? Or the fact that you have to address the question about the meaning of your life? Every question has an answer. Seek through the world, the universe and your life for that answer. Because the truth is possibly right in front of you…

    (Please let me know if my words were too dramatic – whether they might have been helpful. Or not. One word from you, and the rest will be silence, if needs be).

    • rougedmount says:

      i very much appreciate the time it took for you to share with me. i certainly value your thoughts. it helps to clarify or define something and brings perspective i think warrant exploring or revisiting.

      i should probably point out that my blog is not written in a linear form or as a ‘diary’ of events appearing in progression of time. it is a blend of memory, events, recent and past, a documentary of expression. my little tag line at the top “i write when the choice is to die if i don’t” is more accurate than you can ever imagine. writing is my therapy, my best friend, my love and my child. writing is not what i do, it’s who i am. i could no sooner stay away from it, than i could abandon my self.

      this post was not about my spouse. my feelings surrounding him are well and long resolved though i still struggle with annoyance about it occasionally. this post was about a narcissist i allowed into my life, who hurt me badly. though he does not know he did. it was about how i struggle with my feelings about him and my ability to trust myself because of it.

      • ballsakhung says:

        Okay, that’s a relief to hear. You sound collected enough, though I hope this isn’t an act.
        (I put my mask back on 😉 )

        “My blog is not written in a linear form” – Oh! That does now explain a lot.

        “This post was not about my spouse. my feelings surrounding him are well and long resolved.” – My bad. Especially if you felt I’d over-reacted. (Damn. She now knows I do possess a heart, more than my blog might suggest. Hmm. Don’t worry. Poker face. No sweat. Eyes iced. We’ll do something about that…)

        “This post was about a narcissist i allowed into my life, who hurt me badly … It was about how i struggle with … my ability to trust myself because of it.” – My dear Rougedmount. This changes everything. You are full of surprises. So you love the chase. And the hunt. And we wonder who is the prey and who, the hunter. And the other – who shot the poisoned arrow…?

        A world where even the shadows have shadows…

        (I put on the cape and edge into the darkness. Twilight has ended. My eyes are steady. They simmer as they penetrate you…)

      • rougedmount says:

        of course u did not over react!..i felt completely cared for and a veil of protection being thrown over my shoulders..lol..that or the cape of invisibility…not sure…in any event..it was welcome. i have been forced through life and circumstance to fight my battles quite alone and i do not know how it feels to actually have a male protector. it’s quite novel. i think i may like it

    • rougedmount says:

      this song was so very beautiful! i loved it!

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