Thanks a lot for ruining everything for me
It doesn’t matter who I meet from now on, does it?
They aren’t you and so I have no fucking interest
I am not aroused by them, not interested in them
Their situation could be fucking perfect
And yet… nothing
Not a single remote interest on my end
Is it their fault? No. It’s yours.
How am I supposed to live in a state of heightened arousal?
Only to have the damper put on every time I meet a man, who isn’t you?
I have started purposefully seeing other men and it’s not fucking working
How many months or years have to pass before my head and heart move on?
I am actually pissed off about it. Mad at myself.
My body’s betrayal to just forget about you and get on with living
Yet here I am with no sexual interest in other men
They may as well be eunuchs for all I desire them
Perfectly good men, perfect on paper, perfect choices
Nice men who are handsome, accomplished
But every single thing about them, I compare to you
And the longer I spend with them the more uncomfortable I get
I end up having a conversation with YOU, instead of them
All the while telling you to get out of my head so I can be in the moment
And let me accept them for who they are
Instead of who they aren’t and it doesn’t work
You have ruined everything for me
I am so fucking stuck it’s not funny
And the only thing I can actually do is keep using these men
To try and get over you by hoping one of them
Eventually breaks through the barrier you have placed around me
When you claimed my heart and soul in your twisted hands
And wrung every bit of gain I had made from my failed marriage
Just to damage me far deeper than I ever thought possible
I am so fucked, it’s not funny