unfaithfully yours

I wake up to him getting out of bed
Every day and every night it’s the same thing
It’s complete and absolute; he does not touch me
He knows I have not been happy with him lately
I have pointedly gone out several times this week
I leave in the evening without saying anything
Come back home very late and climb into my side of the bed
He is either not asleep but pretends to be
Or he is disturbed awake for a bit then places his back to me
I wonder if he thinks I am out fucking someone
This morning after coming back home, to another mess in the house
I cleaned up the basics in the kitchen
Right in front of him, I put dishes in the dishwasher and started it
Wiped down counters, and put away everything
He tried a couple of times to make small talk
Say good morning as I scrubbed the sink out
So I had a clean kitchen to make a morning cup of coffee
And I just paused to looked at him without saying a word back
Then continue cleaning
I was blocking his exit to the hot tub
The haven he goes to in order to avoid me
I think after the last 7-10 days he knows I am pissy with/at him
And so he spent the day doing ‘chores’
Things to try and appease me back to neutral
Getting groceries and then putting them away himself
Making me a fire in the family room as I watched my football
He did my laundry!!!! I can’t remember when that happened last
He reminded a son to walk the dogs without being asked
All normal things for most people but not in my life
The last time he even attempted sex was 2 months ago
And I don’t want sex with him anyway
But I am sexually frustrated and I have told him so
I have come out and said that he is not taking care of my sexual needs
So I am finding men who will
And then I go out
So he is not touching me, even casually in the most non sexual of ways
But he is not upset either, that I am going out and in no contact
Part of me thinks he wants me to have a lover
So it takes the pressure off of him to try and be a real husband
It’s hard to explain to people I live as a single woman
When I say we share a bed, there is a very real and clear line
It is a King sized bed to accommodate two people who do not touch
We do not meet in the middle even accidentally
He almost had an erection last week
He rolled towards me in the morning to pat the cat who was sitting on my chest
And I noticed he was not completely soft
I could almost feel something besides the bulge of his belly
Of course I didn’t mention it, as he had no intent of using it
I just don’t understand how his sexual drive is zero with me
Though I am the first to admit that I act disdainfully towards him now
Ever since I made the decision to not accept being his 2 minute cum dump
Because I have no lover to actually satisfy my needs
Things have not been good at home between us
He alternates between being happy with it, which pisses me off
And acting like he is an offended party who is hard done by
I suppose I should be more pro active in searching for someone
After all it would seem if I am sexually happy
Then my home life is happy as a result of it
I just can’t seem to imagine making the leap towards trusting someone
And frankly why I don’t accept a simple physical affair
Is simply beyond my understanding
It is not that I am not interested or needful of the physical male contact
I am
But I am just tired of the stupid lies and half truths
And have no desire to dance to a tune I find offensive at best
I am discouraged from my past and I just don’t want to trust
I don’t even want to try as I emotionally seem to be closed off
As much as I need someone I seem to be unable to be open to it
You can’t play the game if you aren’t a player
And I am terrified of finding myself fooled again
By another man who has the ability to hurt me
Because I gave him permission to, from being in my life
And I am dealing with a spouse that just is not capable
Not in any way, of providing me with the things that I need
A man who is responsible for so much damage that it’s hard for me to see him
As someone who is anything but the source of so many of my own issues
That’s not really fair to him but I can’t seem to get beyond that either
I have to wonder how much of my issues stem from the damage I faced as a child
Maybe I trust too much and for too long because I never could
I always thought I dealt with the reality of my situation
Fixing things as they needed it
But the actual truth is I just may be closer to one of those dreaded optimists
Assigning purpose to the unreasonable and hope to the hopeless
And when you add battling demons and personal depression
Dealing with autism and mental disorders of the people you live with
Maybe it gets so much big, you lose yourself inside the picture
And have no idea how to paint yourself back out of it
Or even into the safety of a perfect little corner

This entry was posted in Affair, Family, Relationships, Who I am and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to unfaithfully yours

  1. loneyheart says:

    I feel the pain in your heart. The moment that comes when you no longer want them or care. When you are raging inside from need but the idea of them touching you is to painful. I wish you peace. And strength to live your life however works best for you and your children. much love

  2. Johnny Ojanpera says:

    Sometimes I think you are writing my near future in so many of your posts. Different issues because of the opposite sex thing, but so similar in the marital deadness, followed by this thirst for needs to be met. I haven’t made any moves yet; only in thought so far. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It matters to many of us. 🙂

  3. mel says:

    I’m mad at this. It looks an awful lot like my future.

    It’s not fair, and if he’s content with the way things are, then maybe you should find a playmate. I don’t know. Cheating sucks. But living in a sexless marriage? And he won’t get help? He won’t find out what his problem is? That’s bullshit.

    I’m sorry for you. It’s completely unfair. ❤

  4. phoenixasubbie says:

    I lived this sexless marriage for years. You both deserve better.

  5. ballsakhung says:

    Very heartfelt. The fact is he ought to be pleasuring you. It’s not about him getting the most of you when he feels. Two-way is key, logical, the way.

    You’re also looking into your past to see if there’s anything there that may have helped the impasse you’re in. I’d like to offer this: No. From what you’ve written, it’s not your fault. I guess you ought to come clean and say to him that you’re worried, how can we make it work, make it better. How can we get you to communicate what you’re truly thinking, truly feeling? Ask him directly: what’s wrong? (Perhaps you don’t want to know. But, no. You ought to know his mind – because its affecting all involved).

    Another possibility: seduce him. Go all out. (It will prove you’re at least trying to make it work) See how he responds. (He can’t get inside you till he’s used his tongue for something other than talking…)

  6. babygrl52 says:

    Ugggh. Im Sorry. It Is So Incredibly Frustrating, Scary And Heartbreaking. I Wish You CaLmer Thoughts.

  7. daytightliving says:

    Reading this makes me so sad for you because I know what it feels to “live” this way. It’s not living. It’s hardly even existing. 😦

  8. There should be a place for all of us forlorn souls can go and get hammered together. I’m thinking something tropical with a well stocked bar by the water’s edge. Punching bags would be nice too. The full body type. Hanging from palm trees.

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