Almost a year ago, I started receiving messages from a man on Facebook who used to work with an old co-worker of mine. He had seen my information when I had posted something on her wall and initiated contact with me. At first I was stand off’ish, I certainly never initiated contact, but I gradually became more accepting of his contacting me, simply due to his honesty and charming behaviour when we messaged each other. He introduced himself and how he knew our mutual friend and proceeded over the next few weeks and months to tell me about himself.
He made it very clear that he found me attractive and he was interested in knowing me better. I was flattered but was not tempted. The whole idea that I was approached via Facebook, kind of creeped me out a bit. My settings are such so that he can not see my personal information…but still. He is 8 yrs my junior, single and with no kids. Through the year I have learned that he is exceptionally sexual and intuitive. He has been very transparent about his past, his wants and desires. I have questioned him extensively. He has answered me with smiles and patience.
He does not know it, but we would be very compatible in the bedroom and to be honest I am becoming tempted to meet him. It has been an ongoing joke, him asking if I want to get together with him and my flat out saying “no”. He laughingly and graciously lets me know that he will continue to advise me of his interest until I ask him to not contact me. I don’t want him to stop as I rather like it. It’s a bit of an ego boost to have a young beautiful man tell you how much they find you attractive and enjoy chatting with you.
The biggest issue I would have in meeting with him, is that I how could I expect a monogamous affair with him when he is a single man? I assume he would still be interested in finding a woman to marry and have kids with. His attitude is “if it happens, it happens”. He has also said that if “we” were together, he would not be looking elsewhere. Forgive me if I have a hard time believing that. I do not want to place the failures of others onto his shoulders, but I can not help but feel that may be a hard thing for him to do. Especially since by any measurements, he would be considered “a good catch” for the female market looking for a potential single mate.
Statistic wise, he is a tall black man who is very attractive and has an exceptionally good job. He has his own place, nice vehicle and is educated, articulate and sexy as hell. Did I mention that he is also in possession of just over 10 inches of thick, serviceable man flesh which he has complete and absolute control over? Over the last few months I allowed our conversations to touch on the aspects of sexuality I was interested in. I wanted more information and to be frank, I have been sexually frustrated and so I asked him about it.
I am not sure if that was such a good idea or not, in retrospect. All it did was frustrate me knowing this vibrant, sexy, well hung man wanted me sexually, especially once I was in the throes of sexual withdraw. It’s like complaining I am hungry and then having someone place a top sirloin steak in front of me with all the fixings, lighting scented candles and handing me a fork and steak knife. I am left sitting there looking at the fine dinner in front of me and yet I am hesitant to dig in and enjoy it.
Plus, I had never “seriously” entertained the idea of actually becoming involved with him until very recently. Our online conversations just served to provide a titillating “what if” for when I fantasized about the possibility of making the jump to this imaginary woman I thought I could become, who would actively accept the pursuit of a man who had the intent on making her the receptacle of all his sexual desires. At the beginning when the chats started, I was happy where I was and who I was with and after my affair ended, I was in a fog of depression that I have been unable to swim out of and so I never considered actually accepting his advances.
So imagine my surprise when he reached out again to me yesterday and my initial reaction was one of curiosity and semi actual interest. Part of me fears meeting him. Okay, a huge part. I know he wants me and I know I have major attraction to him already. That means if I met him, it would for all intents and purposes be for the exploration of starting a sexual relationship. I have to say, at this point, I have no interest in ANY emotional content with anyone, so it would make sense to start a physical relationship with someone who is offering themselves for that purpose only. I have no idea if I am ready to walk down that road, of a sexual relationship only, even as sexually frustrated as I am. I think that’s probably a lie. My body is dying to be used in the manner I became accustomed to. Mentally, I just haven’t caught up.
This tall man with a muscular body wants me. Never mind his wide shoulders and a chiseled chest, you should see his abdominal muscles! He is nothing but definition with that “V” at his lower waist and looks like he just stepped out of a fitness magazine. It’s a good thing I am a confidant woman or I would never even consider being naked in front of him. But the differences between us are one of the things that turn him on about me. Where he is muscled, I am curved. Where he is hard, I am soft. I am a shapely hourglass of wide hips and heavy breasts and he is an inverted triangle of taut sinew and corded tendons.
That’s why I find it so hard to not fantasize about him and what it would be like if I actually took the plunge and acted on the crazy idea that I accept his offer to use his body to please my own. That insane, ludicrous, farcical idea, that I could in fact actually DO everything I imagined and more if I wanted to by a single simple message of “I’d like to meet you.” I have no fear at all that he is not able to perform like he says he can. No man can be that understated and confidant without the ability to follow through. He is quietly sure of himself.
When I ask him something directly, he provides clear answers that let me know he would match my needs. He doesn’t embellish or provide information before I ask about it. He is respectful until I want details and then he answers directly and with clarity. The fact that he calls me “baby girl” goes a long way to making me feel like he is exactly the right style of men I could have in my bed. So, what’s stopping me?
Fear of being part of an unknown harem.
Fear of him not communicating that he wants to end things before he starts seeing other people.
Fear that he will say one thing and do the opposite.
Fear that if I have a physical relationship with him, I will have to trust him and what he says, when I have been damaged by my last relationship and I KNOW I won’t trust him because of it and that means HE is paying for the sins of others if I allow that.
Fear that because of his sexual history, he will get bored with monogamous sex with me.
Fear that because of his sexual history, he will get bored with monogamous sex with me and instead of communicating, he will have side relationships and keep them from me until I accidentally discover them.
Fear that I am living out an entire relationship with him, beginning to end, before it even starts.
I don’t know if I am ready to step into a sexual relationship for the sake of having sex. I really don’t know. He has listened to my concerns and he answers them but I have not opened up to him. I have kept a wall up. He has no idea who I really am and I do not know if I would want to share that with him if I am going to have sex only with him. But part of me feels like if I am going to find a sexual partner to service me, then this man would fit the description perfectly and have absolutely no impact on my life in any way what so ever. The idea of using a man to pleasure me is kind of avant guarde for me. I don’t know if I could pull it off. But I think I might have a damn good time while I am trying to figure it out. As long as it didn’t totally screw up my head.
As much as I am tempted now, I know I will not run headlong into anything. We’ve been talking for 11 months so no one can claim I rushed into things with him. I just can’t imagine going from the idea of monogamy, to having emotional affairs, to being sexually available for carnal exposure for the sake of satisfying a physical need. I think the issue is now that I understand what a good lover can do for me, I am finding it impossible to do without it. My body and my brain have been reset to understand that a man can be an attentive and giving lover who strives to place his partners needs before his own even while being demanding that she give control of her body over to him.
Right now, I am allowing the idea of it to be inside of my head. It feels foreign and uncomfortable and most of me wants to push it away. Because it feels awkward, I know I have to examine why and analyze it. I am not going to allow my body to make a decision my brain will not be able to handle and will not allow my mind to talk me out of something my body needs as much as air and food. Or I can just say what the hell and allow him to fuck me for hours and hours until I can’t remember my name, let alone the reasons why I put him off for so long.