the marriage marathon

i wish i could blame my mood on pms (i can’t… i checked the calendar)

i wish i could take back rants and rages (i can’t un-ring a bell)

i wish i could find value in the lessons i have been given (i can’t…i am tired of the repetition)

i wish God, karma or the universe would get the message that “I GET IT”

~ i promise that i get it ~

i am just not ready to leave because my job as mom is not done

i have weighed the cost of leaving against the cost of staying

the balanced list is for me to stay as the benefits are too high to leave

but i am so close to the finish that i can see it, almost touch it

i think it is making me impatient and throwing me off my stride

i feel like i have to force myself to maintain my pace

and not surge towards that finish line

to ensure that i have the reserve i need to complete the race

my marathon of a marriage is almost over

and i DO have the reserves to finish it according to my plan

as long as i follow the pace and not prematurely expend too much energy

my timing is at the critical stage

if i push too hard, too soon and i may not finish at all

i have to control my breathing, control my pace, control my emotions

now more than ever, i can not afford to make an error in judgement

the cost is simply too high

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10 Responses to the marriage marathon

  1. Curious Man says:

    Only you can fully understand what you are going through and where you want to go. You want it to happen now…but it is not the time. We still hold onto hope they will change and we won’t have to make that critical break. But they won’t and we will have to, when the time is right. Hang in there.

  2. jayne says:

    Will there be a party when we cross that damn line?

    • rougedmount says:

      listen….lol…IF there are reports of a naked middle aged woman, drunk out of her mind, jiggling her way across a sports stadium during the middle of a game,flailing her arms like the long tails of a kite, hooting and whoo hooing, i would not necessarily discount the fact that it may or may not be me…just sayin’

  3. reocochran says:

    You are trying, that is the best you can do! I also want to encourage you to remember that how you act will affect your children’s future relationships. I think by my leaving when my little ones were young, ages 5,3 and 6 months, they got the “best” of their father on weekends and heard no more fighting, bickering and my full attention was on them. I am now on a mission to find someone for me as I am an older adult! Thanks for letting me say my “piece of mine” and hope it does not disrupt your “peace of mind!” I find my adult children saying over and over again, “You did the right thing!” and also, “How could you have stood it anymore?” and lastly, “You are my hero, Mom, because you showed courage in leaving!”

    • rougedmount says:

      its wonderful you have such a great relationship with the kids..for the most part, my spouse and i don;t really fight or bicker..sometimes i feel like i parent him but for the most part? we just don;t exist for each other…other times he “tries” but i am long past being able to appreciate his efforts.

  4. corina says:

    my grandfather held on for almost 40 years before leaving my grandmother. There were always the children to protect (including my mother who also has that awful trait, he tried to make her grow out of it, to show her how to be a better person) — and he wanted to protect my grandmother too, he loved her truly. Then grandchildren came too soon and he held on longer. He held on for me — to show me that my mother and my grandmother were not my whole world and not my future. when he left I lost sight, but now I’ve found it — slowly coming out of the fog. I was lucky enough to have my father who also loved truly and held on for me. The stress ended up being too much for them both, but at least I knew them and saw their strength. I hope you successfully finish your marathon.

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