I seriously am in a state of neutrality. Ok maybe not neutrality; how about almost depression or inability to move forward or be flexible in my thinking or actions? I am no where near recovered from my 18 month affair with a man who turned out to be a narcissistic sociopath. I am living with a man who ignores me absolutely and completely. I might even say I am invisible at home, except I am completely taken for granted so that implies acknowledgement of some sort.
My stress level is through the roof in dealing with my oldest son who is 19 and has Aspergers Syndrome and who is now home every day 24/7 and I am left to deal with him and his moods with no outside assistance or break from him UNLESS I leave him alone to play video games 18 hours a day (which is his fathers solution to the issue and which I do not do, hence the conflict). Think how a 3 or 4 year old melts down who is too tired and over stimulated. Except he is 6’2 300 lbs and built like a linebacker.
I am sexually frustrated to the point where it is such a distraction that it could technically classify as a disability. It is just under the surface of everything I do or think about. And NO, masturbation is not a solution for me as it just makes me NEED penetrative sex with a real live man who is in possession of a very hard and very useable, erection. There is something I need from the weight and heat coming from a live man, who has wiry hair and rough hands, stubble beards that rasp my skin, deep voice that growls in my ear, that does not come in any other shape or form and can not be imitated.
I have actually tried to discuss “things” with my spouse. I have read some blogs where I gained inspiration from the “last attempts” that were made and things seemed to be going well; where the offending spouse finally listened to the concerns their partner shared. I was hoping, where I knew I had absolutely no chance for it to work, that this time would be different for me. But the attempt was not coming from a place in my heart where I was expecting reconciliation or an emotional release of connectedness. Even so, I laid my cards out on the table. Stated the obvious lack of touch, sex, intimacy or communication and how it impacted me. How the lack of it was forcing me to make decisions I would rather not make and how if he would not work on a solution with me then I would continue to solve my problem as I have over the last few years, which is by finding a lover who could meet the needs he was ignoring.
So he says “yes, dear” with a smirk on his face and then: leaves the room, rolls over in bed, turns up the radio, walks faster to our pace me and get home. He absolutely refused to even acknowledge what I say let alone deal with it.
This whole situation sucks. I can’t deal with this level of stress while being sexually frustrated because I am simply losing my fucking mind. I am being unreasonable and short tempered and I am pretty sure I have not smiled in 6 months. I am on the verge of a monumental tantrum. I can actually see the merit of throwing myself to the ground; kicking and screaming and refusing any type of solace, just to be able to release this pent up frustration and get rid of the mood that is swamping me under the stink of something putrid and virulent. I can see how violence could feel good to give into. Lord knows I have no patience for bad drivers. No patience for anything; my language has even turned for the worse. I feel myself being mean.
I can not handle a single thing from my son and his father right now. I just can’t take one more lie that comes from their mouth, not one more deflection and refusal to accept responsibility for what they do or don’t do. I am so freaking tired of every day of my life being a fucking exercise in patience. I HAVE NONE LEFT! I am sick of always being understanding, tired of being responsible, frustrated with being the sole conductor on a ride I never asked to be on, let alone in control of. I want off of this stupid carousel filled with people I can’t stand and would never chose to be with in the first place.
I have never wanted to be isolated more than I do at this exact moment. I just can not deal with one more thing. I have surpassed my limit. Not one more argument can come my way right now because I can’t face it. My stupid sister with her fake drama has made me sick. I am done listening to her crap too. DONE. Don’t even get me started on her particular brand of fucked up. Lies, lies, lies and I have no idea how she can even exist inside her own mind let alone in the world at large. Dysfunctional people surround me. Maybe that’s the problem! Maybe the fact is, I am so self aware that I am not damaged by self lies! I feel like I am the kid that shouted that the Emperor has no clothes on.