patience has left the building

I seriously am in a state of neutrality. Ok maybe not neutrality; how about almost depression or inability to move forward or be flexible in my thinking or actions? I am no where near recovered from my 18 month affair with a man who turned out to be a narcissistic sociopath. I am living with a man who ignores me absolutely and completely. I might even say I am invisible at home, except I am completely taken for granted so that implies acknowledgement of some sort.

My stress level is through the roof in dealing with my oldest son who is 19 and has Aspergers Syndrome and who is now home every day 24/7 and I am left to deal with him and his moods with no outside assistance or break from him UNLESS I leave him alone to play video games 18 hours a day (which is his fathers solution to the issue and which I do not do, hence the conflict). Think how a 3 or 4 year old melts down who is too tired and over stimulated. Except he is 6’2 300 lbs and built like a linebacker.

I am sexually frustrated to the point where it is such a distraction that it could technically classify as a disability. It is just under the surface of everything I do or think about. And NO, masturbation is not a solution for me as it just makes me NEED penetrative sex with a real live man who is in possession of a very hard and very useable, erection. There is something I need from the weight and heat coming from a live man, who has wiry hair and rough hands, stubble beards that rasp my skin, deep voice that growls in my ear, that does not come in any other shape or form and can not be imitated.

I have actually tried to discuss “things” with my spouse. I have read some blogs where I gained inspiration from the “last attempts” that were made and things seemed to be going well; where the offending spouse finally listened to the concerns their partner shared. I was hoping, where I knew I had absolutely no chance for it to work, that this time would be different for me. But the attempt was not coming from a place in my heart where I was expecting reconciliation or an emotional release of connectedness. Even so, I laid my cards out on the table. Stated the obvious lack of touch, sex, intimacy or communication and how it impacted me. How the lack of it was forcing me to make decisions I would rather not make and how if he would not work on a solution with me then I would continue to solve my problem as I have over the last few years, which is by finding a lover who could meet the needs he was ignoring.

So he says “yes, dear” with a smirk on his face and then: leaves the room, rolls over in bed, turns up the radio, walks faster to our pace me and get home. He absolutely refused to even acknowledge what I say let alone deal with it.

Sigh.

This whole situation sucks. I can’t deal with this level of stress while being sexually frustrated because I am simply losing my fucking mind. I am being unreasonable and short tempered and I am pretty sure I have not smiled in 6 months. I am on the verge of a monumental tantrum. I can actually see the merit of throwing myself to the ground; kicking and screaming and refusing any type of solace, just to be able to release this pent up frustration and get rid of the mood that is swamping me under the stink of something putrid and virulent. I can see how violence could feel good to give into. Lord knows I have no patience for bad drivers. No patience for anything; my language has even turned for the worse. I feel myself being mean.

I can not handle a single thing from my son and his father right now. I just can’t take one more lie that comes from their mouth, not one more deflection and refusal to accept responsibility for what they do or don’t do. I am so freaking tired of every day of my life being a fucking exercise in patience.  I HAVE NONE LEFT! I am sick of always being understanding, tired of being responsible, frustrated with being the sole conductor on a ride I never asked to be on, let alone in control of. I want off of this stupid carousel filled with people I can’t stand and would never chose to be with in the first place.

I have never wanted to be isolated more than I do at this exact moment. I just can not deal with one more thing. I have surpassed my limit. Not one more argument can come my way right now because I can’t face it. My stupid sister with her fake drama has made me sick. I am done listening to her crap too. DONE. Don’t even get me started on her particular brand of fucked up.  Lies, lies, lies and I have no idea how she can even exist inside her own mind let alone in the world at large. Dysfunctional people surround me. Maybe that’s the problem! Maybe the fact is, I am so self aware that I am not damaged by self lies! I feel like I am the kid that shouted that the Emperor has no clothes on.

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17 Responses to patience has left the building

  1. jayne says:

    You’re not crazy. Leave your son with your husband and go do something you want to. that is my advice. hugs, Jayne

      • jayne says:

        If you can take what you’ve taken already – you can try again. Little bits of joy while you work through do add up. I know your situation can be as horrible as hard as having a giant cheese grater rubbed up against your body but the alternative is worse, no? xo, J

      • jayne says:

        I relate so much to what you say. So much, in fact that I can’t always write except to encourage your already heavy heavy heart. It’s difficult to move when your heart is lead but it is still possible. Something that helped me was that saying “If you want different results, make different choices”. It’s a 100 percent accountability pill that is not easy to swallow but it’s 100 percent accurate. I have made hard decisions and I shy away from them still. It’s still fucken hard but all of them are leading me out of that abyss you and I made home. I feel for you and I get the feeling you “get” what I’m saying because our stories are very similar in nature. I would start by stop allowing your body to please someone who should no longer have your pleasure. He gives nothing back. xo, J

      • rougedmount says:

        baby primates were removed from their mothers and placed in an environment where there were 2 crude chicken mess fake mothers. one had a bottle with milk, the other covered in crude terry cloth. the babies clung to the fake mother to the point of dehydration and death because they valued touch and comfort over food. without a lover, that small measure of human contact was all i had to cling to for comfort. sad,huh?

      • jayne says:

        well, sad as a state to go through…I know, BUT what I cling to is the fact that I know better. If I know better, I can make choices for better. It is difficult – NO-It’s a feat greater than difficult can measure but then why do we know different? Why would we have the knowledge of “better”? I feel there is an answer somewhere in there that is past what we feel. I also think our perspective is critical to moving beyond our circumstances. We can stay in the defeated perspective but really, realizing that we made a huge error in judgement which turned out to be a great lesson. ( I know – that is the suckiest excuse for growth but it is what it is) Our choice of husband does not define us now. We can choose different but it is an uphill battle until we understand that our husbands were choices that we made when we didn’t know better. We are not our choice of so many years ago. I don’t know…it’s just how I reason without getting really angry because getting angry wasn’t going to end my marriage.

  2. “I am pretty sure I have not smiled in 6 months.”

    More than anything else you wrote, that passage physically hurt to read. I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way you encouraged me more than a few times and I want to encourage you. You’re right about the negativity of being steeped in dysfunction and the fact that nothing good comes of it. I’m glad you’re removing yourself from at least some of it [e.g., the sister’s drama]. I think I went through a few years where I didn’t (authentically) smile. No joy in Mudville as I felt I had struck out at bat in the game called Life. That continual return to the end of my tether damaged me over and over. Only now can I see the vague outline of the iceberg.

    I’m really sorry your husband does not realize what a gem you are. Sure, we all have our “things” but so what. That’s being human. And we deserve to be happy, whatever that means.

    • rougedmount says:

      you shall survive..women like us always do

      • I feel the same way as dharmagoddess — you have always had helpful words that uplift me and you help me make sense of things. I wish I had that same wisdom to impart upon you while you’re embroiled in this horribleness. I am assuming that a caregiver for your son is too expensive to entertain the option? Even if it’s just 1 or two days a week for 8-ish hours — that might give you time to free your mind a little.

  3. A Good Wife says:

    Before you can properly take care of your son, you have to take care of yourself. You sound like you are at a breaking point. It’s (passed) time to do something nice or yourself. Therapist, overnight at a spa, visit with friends, whatever works for you. Just release some steam and quick, before you snap. <<>>

  4. tispersonal says:

    i can so relate to this. to many times in the past i thought i was at my breaking point, that i wouldn’t be able to muster another ounce of strength to deal with all the crap in my life, let alone my husband and kids. mind you i’ve never had an emotional breakdown, but it almost got to that point and yet i wouldn’t allow it of myself because i knew if i were to crack i would have no one to lean on, there was no other responsible party within my home other then myself to take over. Sometimes, I would actually be screaming the question in my head. WHY CANT I BE THE ONE ALLOWED TO HAVE A BREAKDOWN????? as if that would somehow solve my problems. but to always be the strong one, to be in a marriage where you can’t count on your spouses shoulder in your time of need. it is one of the most heartrendingly desperate feelings. no one should ever have to go through crap like this. and hell that doesn’t even cover the sexual frustration bit. god knows, that takes it to another plain entirely. hugs, foot massages and margaritas w/ double shots of tequila being sent your way.

  5. njuri says:

    Sounds like you need a week on a tropical beach with a cute Cabana Boy… 🙂

  6. primalnights says:

    Ive read so much about you I wish you were close enough to meet for a drink.

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