I am corrupted and ruined. He changed the chemistry of who I am. My numbness is a veiled acceptance, but it’s a decision I will not falter from. I am not going back. I am not angry. His betrayal falls on his shoulders, but I have no idea what to do with the new self, he left me with. The one who knows I gave myself completely and just because the circumstances changed, doesn’t mean my devotion did.
I miss how he made me feel, even though I know he lied. I miss the things he did to my body, even though I know he did it to others and did not value the gift I gave him. Mentally, I have completely accepted everything, accepted he is not in my life and that he wasn’t who he said he was, but my body and my spirit have not. I am tortured by the lack of comfort he took away, that in retrospect, I never had. Other men do not compare to what I thought he was. I am ruined.