Truth: the lying

I am corrupted and ruined. He changed the chemistry of who I am. My numbness is a veiled acceptance, but it’s a decision I will not falter from. I am not going back. I am not angry. His betrayal falls on his shoulders, but I have no idea what to do with the new self, he left me with. The one who knows I gave myself completely and just because the circumstances changed, doesn’t mean my devotion did.

I miss how he made me feel, even though I know he lied. I miss the things he did to my body, even though I know he did it to others and did not value the gift I gave him. Mentally, I have completely accepted everything, accepted he is not in my life and that he wasn’t who he said he was, but my body and my spirit have not. I am tortured by the lack of comfort he took away, that in retrospect, I never had. Other men do not compare to what I thought he was. I am ruined.

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10 Responses to Truth: the lying

  1. rgonaut says:

    It’s like you’ve opened a Pandora’s box, or maybe let the genie out of the bottle. You can’t close it or put the genie back. Your standards, your likes your needs have forever changed. At least my own experience is like that.

    • rougedmount says:

      that’s very much how it feels. his sexual skill set were so completely perfectly attuned to mine, that I seriously doubt to find even a similar, poor facsimile of a match, if I ever chose to look. i find that i am actually mourning my loss of the kind of sexual relationship, i was born to have. he was not something i expected to have. i can;t imagine having the same thing ever again. i know it was a rare thing. and i am still at the point where i am no where near willing to search for something to replace it. i feel jaded…no one can match what i lost. so i am grieving the loss of my sex life…the substandard replacement is not worth the effort to cultivate. i need cake.

      • Oh I have so been there. I thought I would never find someone who equally compared to the married man in bed and then I found the Professor. He was almost as good on a technical level and emotionally the sex was even better in some ways. When that ended I thought all was lost and it still hurts but I have found the Pilot, who is fabulous in other ways in the bedroom, though not quite comparable to that emotional connection. Don’t worry, it doesnt seem like it now but someday you will be surprised. Now you know what you are looking for and that makes it easier to find.

      • rougedmount says:

        …from your mouth to God’s ear…

    • njuri says:

      ditto

  2. babygrl52 says:

    I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate to this post.

  3. I’ve said that to K more than once – that he ruined me. The way he made me feel – mentally, emotionally, physically. Especially physically. I’m just not the same anymore.

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