My husband has no clue about who I am, even after 25 years.
Is the failing his for just not being the kind of perceptive man, that I needed him to be?
Is the failing his for not listening to me, when I have completely opened up and literally laid who I am, on the table?
Who you will see is the person I present myself as, the one i have taken years crafting
I will try amazingly hard to hide the other part…my vulnerable self
I have been trying over the last few years to show and express how i feel towards people
sooner as opposed to later
The reason?… because life is short.. because love is precious…
I’ve tried to be more childlike in my acceptance of my feelings towards others.
Two little ones can meet, size each other up, engage in an activity and become best friends…in an hour..
Why and how is this possible?
I think its because they trust how they feel, when they are with someone who makes them feel a certain way…
They express their care and concern as  they hug and touch that person
They simply want to be around them because of how they feel when they are with them
We forget about that as we get older
We learn that people hurt us..that they aren’t what they seem
We start to not trust how we feel when we are around certain people, or once we leave them
We start question their honesty and integrity in how they deal with us
We learn  to mistrust how we feel
Don’t think that I haven’t already thought about “running away”, once I become close to someone
i have
Its something i fight against all the time, with anyone who seems to be understanding me  a bit too much
Appearing vulnerable is something I hate more than anything else in the world..
and I mean that more than most based on my personal history
Yet paradoxically,  its also the part of me that is brutally and openly exposed ALL the time.
I have iron control of myself, at almost all times
Even when under brutal or extreme pressure…i can always maintain composure and keep focused on the end result  or keep to my plan.
very, very, very few exceptions…like when my kids are hurt or when my father died.
Beyond this?…
Its exceptionally rare for me to give into showing who I am or expose how I really want to feel
Because of this, I tend to allow myself the freedom to feel passion…to completely give myself sexually
Its the one place where if a man knows how to reach me
I don’t have the ability to hold anything back from him
Its also an area where i have a lot of hurt…
My husband hasn’t  wanted me since  I got pregnant..and nursed..our first child
I actually lived apart from him for almost 2 yrs…when the kids were very young
Moving to “this city” was the “compromise” to reconcile
Within 6 months I knew it was a huge mistake
He lied , yet again, to get what HE wanted
I had committed to staying to raise the kids with their father, sharing the same house
…brutal brutal brutal…
I had valid reasons to stay…the need to protect my children’s safety was paramount
so…I endured 9 more years of struggling
Trying everything to get him engaged and wanting me..
NO stone left un-turned..marriage counselling, family counselling, individual therapy
He has had medical issues the last 3 yrs where sex is not something that is possible for him
Even before then..it was a few minutes then over..
He does not believe in intimacy..or touching..
I have lived a touchless existence, since my kids became teenagers
In the last 3 years is when i have needed the support of someone who understood me
More than I’ve needed anything else in a very long time…and didn’t get it from my husband
I simply did not have the ability to get through it without someone who was able to help me keep it together
Its the first time in my life I was completely and absolutely vulnerable and unable to protect myself
so..now…after a few years of healing
now i can..but its like new skin over a very deep wound..
healed but so fragile that when you look at it, while it may seem healed and looks fine…
Its not until you touch it, that you can see how soft it is
How easily it could be torn open and hurt again
The idea of giving someone that power to hurt me like that scares me so much its almost overwhelming
I desperately, desperately want to shut down..walk away..close off
Yet I know if I do, how damaging that will be..its not who I am
I am making the choice not to close down..and everything in my mind is screaming at me to protect myself
I am choosing to risk opening myself.. because i do not want to live half a life
I’ve done that my entire marriage
I treasure the feeling of caring for someone..
I know how rare it is, to truly and honestly feel and I don’t want to give that up
I’ve spent so many years living in an emotional vacuum, that i need emotions in my life..
Even if they’re not reciprocated…
I’m okay with that idea, as strange at it seems at first glance
I am grateful to know that I still have the ability to care so much, that it risks hurting me
To know that emotionally I can still function in spite of self protecting for years
That I still have the capacity to believe in love
I just need to be clear that no matter what I end up feeling…
I have made a lifetime sacrifice…a complete obligation..to finish raising my boys
I promised myself I wouldn’t leave my marriage, until the job is done
I am risking all I value and promised myself, because I simply can not be alone any more
Alone with a man who has shown me over a lifetime
That he does not understand me, he doesn’t know me and doesn’t care to try.
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2 Responses to Exposure

  1. jayne says:

    I know I’m reading past posts of things you’ve worked through. Let me just answer this question since no one else could. He’s messed up so bad that he can’t even fathom approaching his own shit. You could not have known that -ever…until you lived it. Did you ever figure out the lesson of your own from all this?

    • rougedmount says:

      i risked it all and lost it all. learning to let go, to trust and failing at both. struggling to keep it together in the short time i have left and realizing i am very close to becoming jaded..and i fear that more than many things…i do not want to paint all men with the lessons learned from the men i have allowed into my life. but it’s impacted me…hugely.

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